


This is You and Me

by Children_of_the_Shadows



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Puppy Shipper, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-16
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 10:42:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 81,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2465312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Children_of_the_Shadows/pseuds/Children_of_the_Shadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.<br/>The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.<br/>The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.<br/>The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wednesday_d](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wednesday_d/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)
> 
> So this was originally posted in ffnet, but a reviewer of mine asked if this could be posted here so that she could download and read it whenever she wanted to. And I never say no to my reviewers so here I am! Enjoy and don't forget to drop in a few words if you enjoyed the story!

 

**Part 1: How We Began**

**1.1: Meeting Your Past**

Charlus Potter believed in neither miracles nor chance. He strongly believed that life was a nothing but a series of intertwined events of varying significances throughout a certain period. Nothing happened by chance and while it may seem so at that time, in hindsight, everything really did happen for a reason.

His faith was, however, shaken one sunny Tuesday, when he was returning from a rather unsuccessful meeting with whom he had hoped would be a future business partner. They had rejected Nimbus Industries, a pet project very close to Charlus's heart, because "their business goals simply did not align". It had been a polite way of telling Charlus to  _fuck off._  To add insult to injury, Charlus had had his wallet stolen on his way back to his car. A group of teenagers had casually bumped into him, apologised, and then run faster than Charlus's old, middle aged legs could ever carry him. He had spent the next hour sitting in a café, sipping at the worst tea he had ever had the misfortune of tasting, while he repeatedly tried to convince an automated voice that he wanted to cancel his credit cards, not subscribe to more bogus promotional deals. Exhausted and emotionally drained, he had then walked back to his car only to turn the key to a failing engine and slivers of smoke slipping out of the hood of his car.

Despite being a man of extreme calm, Charlus had reached a point of utter dejection and expressed his frustration with something akin to a war cry. 'Aaaaarrrrggghhhhhhh!' He kicked the front tire angrily before pulling open the hood.

'For fifty quid, I'll fix that for you.'

Charlus was about to inform the boy exactly where he could shove that fifty quid, when he felt his breath catch.

The boy was leaning against his car, arms crossed over his chest as he surveyed the damage to Charlus's car. Long light brown hair ending in gentle curls, a thin, straight nose, and a small, pink mouth – they were features Charlus knew all too well. Yet, they did not seem to fit in the tall, lanky form that was now leaning over his car and inspecting the engine with scarred hands and bitten nails. They did not fit at all with the gruff yet low voice that informed him that the price might be hiked up to ten quid more if Charlus didn't answer quick enough. They definitely did not fit with the sly grin that spread across the boy's face, revealing intentions that were far from innocent.

Yet, Charlus dug into his socks, where he always kept emergency money for situations like this, and pulled out two fifty pound notes. 'I'll give you all of it if you can fix my car,' he replied in an almost challenging tone. He tried not to stare as a sarcastic brown eyebrow rose to his challenge, but he could not look past the eerie familiarity between his past and what stood before him.

He did not even know what he was doing; if Charlus were to be honest, there was no reason for him to pay anyone to fix his car. Charlus had run a one man garage for three years before finally expanding his business. He had worked himself to perfection, in order to both pay the bills and prove to his family that he did not need the Potter's old money to establish himself. Yet, he stood and watched as clever fingers worked expertly, inspecting and then making what Charlus knew was quite a simple task seem utterly phenomenal by theatrically huffing and sighing. The boy was putting on a show; how naïve.

Charlus knew even before he revved his engine that the boy had done a good job. What he did not know and only found out when he was about to pay the boy, was that he had spent the last half hour calling the bank for nothing.

'I'm against robbing the elderly,' the boy commented cheekily, nonchalantly taking out two crisp fifty pound notes from  _Charlus's wallet._ 'Those chavs were amateur anyway; you were just an easy target.' He closed the wallet with a satisfactory snap and smirked in a way that Charlus absolutely detested as he handed  _Charlus's damn wallet_ back to him. Charlus could tell without even having glanced inside that everything was intact; from his now cancelled credit cards down to his national ID that confirmed that he was most certainly  _not_ a senior citizen. 'Glad to be of service to you and thank you for the most generous tip.'

Infuriating.

That cocky attitude. It was so unlike the person Charlus Potter remembered. So, so different; yet when the boy turned away, Charlus could not help but see the resemblance between this boy and the friend he once treasured. And it was that attachment to his past that made him reach out, almost desperately, 'Wait!' he called louder when the boy hadn't heard the first time. 'Oi, what's your name?' Charlus asked, suddenly feeling like that one name could solve everything. Just one name could tell him if this was all just an uncanny resemblance or a figment of his imagination. 'I'm not going to report you,' he assured when the boy looked at him suspiciously. 'Just tell me your name.'

'Mongrel,' the boy replied, 'Moony for short.'

'Your real name!' Charlus growled, losing patience with the child. 'Not some street name that you decided to give yourself to make you sound tough!'

The boy crossed his arms in front of him. 'This is the name the streets gave me; this is what I go by.'

Charlus felt his heart sink.  _No name._  What now? He did not want to let the boy go; not when there was still possibility that he might be the only link Charlus would ever get to find a friend. 'My house; why don't you come to my house? You clearly don't go to school; I can give you a job.'

'Whoa, mate,' the boy moved back, brown eyes widening and arms flying out in front of him. His feet shuffled backwards in panic, clearly ready to run. 'I'm not that desperate.'

Charlus spluttered. 'No, no, no; you've got me completely wrong.' He fiddled around in his pockets desperately, determined to prove he was not a dirty old pervert trying to recruit sexual favours from teenagers. 'Here,' he shoved his business card into the boy's hand, hoping this would quell the suspicion off him a little bit. 'I have a garage; well, a company, but I can get you a job at the workshop easily. I'm not sure how good you are, but I can definitely teach you more than just the basics.' He fiddled with his hands, surprised by how nervous he was feeling. He hadn't felt like this in years. He wanted a yes.

Charlus  _needed_  the boy to say yes.

* * *

**1.2: Black as Coal**

Sirius always stayed over at the Potters when things got unbearable at home.

These days, it was often. So often that the Potters had given him a room of his own, though he reckoned it was less out of sympathy and more out of family loyalty. Dorea Potter, no matter how different, was still a Black after all, and blood always ran deep.

His parents' relationship had been dwindling for years. It was a marriage of convenience after all; a sham his bigoted, backward thinking grandparents had brought together in an effort to preserve their English heritage while keeping the money within the family. Misery always grows into anger, Sirius had seen this progression over the years especially in his mother who was trapped in the ancient House of Black with no one but silence to keep her company. Unlike his father, she had no outlet; no job to delve herself into and no whores to fuck in expensive brothels. Well, no outlet but Sirius. For a while, Sirius believed she had tried. She had tried to love Orion Black but had failed miserably, much as she had failed to ingrain every dogmatic teaching that had been passed through generations of Blacks into her eldest son. Sometimes Sirius wondered if she hated him for it; if she hated her own son because of his rebellion and his refusal to listen to her.

No one ever listened to her.

She screamed and screamed and screamed.

And sometimes she hit.

But no one listened.

Not Sirius. And certainly not Orion Black.

 _'_ _Charlus, I said, NO!'_

Sirius found any sort of yelling unbearable. He hated it. Hated the pitch, the anger and resentment, the banging and crashing of things – he hated it all. Most days, he ran away from it. Ran away to the Potter's house where he could live in his created plastic bubble of perfection; yet today he had nowhere to run to.

' _Please, Dorea, you know how important this is to me! Of all people, you know what this means!'_

 _'_ _It's been sixteen years, Charlus! Sixteen! I thought you were over this! You promised me, you were over this! That we were done!'_

He brought his knees to his chest and covered his ears with his hands, but Sirius already knew how useless it was. His room was connected to the study and no matter how hard Sirius tried to block out the sounds of the Potters arguing, it echoed across the walls of the room loudly and pierced through the miniscule gaps between his fingers.

 _'_ _Tell me, Charlus, what are you going to do once you find out? Is it going to help the slightest? Have you even thought about it?'_

 _'_ _I-'_

 _'_ _Are you going to throw him out to the streets again? Or will you just tell him what your motives are now and have him figure out what to do that bit of useless information?'_

 _'_ _I don't know.'_

 _'_ _Charlus, I am begging you. Don't do this…'_

 _'_ _I need closure, Dorea.'_

Something crashed loudly and Sirius leapt out of his bed, flinging open the bedroom door and running down the stairs. He didn't really know where he was going; trusting his instinct to ' _get away, far, far, far!'_ He hated screaming. God, how he hated screaming and arguments and loud voices. He was about to run for the front door when he found himself stopping abruptly, digging his heels into the carpet to avoid bumping into the other person who seemed in just as much hurry to get out. 'Who?' Sirius started, his mouth in a surprised 'o' as he took in the boy in front of him. Who are you, Sirius had wanted to ask; only he noticed that the boy was in a considerable amount of alarm over Sirius's sudden appearance and had wrapped an arm around his suspiciously lumpy jacket protectively.

For a second their eyes met; alarmed amber and stormy grey.

And then Sirius snarled, pulling back his fist and letting it propel into the other boy's face.

* * *

**1.3: Crushing Sympathy**

She hated him.

This boy with his plain brown hair and thin, heart shaped face. His small pink mouth, his too long nose, and his slight form – they were all features Dorea Potter knew all too well. Even as someone who was not as well acquainted with Charlus' past could see the resemblances. She hated him because he reminded her of exactly what she could not be. He was an embodiment of her failures. And Charlus had brought him here, into her home and her family.

They had all gathered to watch as one by one, Charlus took out the stolen items wrapped within the boy's tatty jacket: a novel, a loaf of bread, a packet of biscuits, a box of leftover lasagna, and a single chocolate bar.

'Thief!' Sirius spat, lifting off his chair and only being held back from another attack by James, Dorea's only son. He shrugged James off, shooting venomous looks towards the young boy while cracking his knuckles. Sometimes, Sirius frightened Dorea. He was a sweet child most days, but his temper and strange affinity for violence disturbed her. It was his family, she knew this well from personal experience. The Blacks had a notorious history for prejudice and madness (it was the inbreeding, she reckoned). Dorea tried hard not to judge Sirius for it; especially when he often came to their house sporting bruises and suspicious handprints around his neck. She wanted to save him before it was too late; before the boy grew into a man just like his father. Sirius was different, her heart told her that. But her head knew that if Charlus had not interrupted the ruckus he had caused downstairs, this boy in front of them would be sporting more than just a black eye. 'Disgusting little thief!'

'People don't steal food out of greed, Sirius. They steal out of hunger,' Dorea found herself scolding harshly. She surprised herself by her tone but she knew she was not wrong. 'Charlus, is this really necessary? Please put those away.' She did not miss the boy's gaze as he watched the food being put away longingly. She felt a wave of sympathy wash over her. 'Leave it,' she instructed, when Charlus reached for the chocolate bar. 'Here,' she slid it towards the boy, letting the edge of the bar touch the side of his palm lightly. 'It's yours.'

The boy looked up at her and suddenly, Dorea found her breath catch. Charlus had been wrong; this boy was nothing like the pictures she'd seen. He was _different_. His eyes were the clearest amber; large and doleful in a way that transformed his face completely. He pushed the bar away yet she could see from the tremble of his fingers how much he truly wanted it. 'Please, can I just go? You have back everything I took.'

'You can go to the station, you little-'

' _Sirius!'_ Dorea chastised him immediately. 'I'll have you go back to your room, please. James, you, too.'

It was at times like this that Dorea thanked God for a son with a good head on his shoulders. James Potter was far from an angel; he was constantly getting into trouble playing pranks, he was mischievous, loud and more than a bit of a womaniser. But he knew when to keep quiet and he was also probably the only person Sirius Black ever listened to. So she was eternally grateful when James nodded and escorted Sirius out of the room. Not one to take being rebuffed kindly, Sirius slammed the door behind him as he left, purposefully stomping his feet loudly up the stairs. Someday, she realised, she would need to talk to that boy… _before_ his family broke him beyond repair.

Once the boys had left, she slowly tore open the wrapper, breaking off two pieces of chocolate – one for herself and the other for the boy. She was well aware of Charlus watching her but he did not interrupt and she was grateful for it. 'It's not poisoned, I promise,' she reassured by popping a piece into her mouth and handing over the other as a peace offering. He took it almost reluctantly.  _Hungry,_ she realised as she watched him swallow quickly as if it would disappear if he actually took the time to chew,  _he's just hungry._ She broke off another piece. 'What's your name, sweetheart?'

He looked towards the door nervously.

'You're not in any kind of trouble,' she promised. 'We won't report you.'

'Mong-Moony,' he replied, swallowing and automatically taking another piece of chocolate from her. 'My name is Moony.' He glanced at Charlus momentarily before busying himself with another piece of chocolate. 'I should go home,' he said, making to get up almost casually, 'my mother is terribly sick and I-'

'You don't have a mother,' Charlus cut in and Dorea was surprised by how cruel his words sounded.

The boy seemed unperturbed. 'My father doesn't like it when I-'

'You don't have a father either,' Charlus said once again, holding the boy down with a hand on his shoulder. Dorea saw him flinch in pain; apparently Sirius had given the boy more than just a black eye. 'You don't have siblings either, so don't even try. You have no one to go back to. You're alone.'

'Charlus! I'll have you join James and Sirius, please.'

'But-'

'Just leave, Charlus!' She screamed uncharacteristically. It would seem she was screaming a lot today. 'Now!' He shot her a warning look; obviously assuming that her hatred for Charlus's past was going to somehow affect her behaviour with the boy. If she had been more focused, she would have been appalled at how little he thought of her after all these years. She had never been unjust and she saw no reason to hate this child on the basis of her husband's failures. .'Sorry,' she apologised, shaking her head to clear her thoughts. 'I'm sorry. You must be terrified right now. It wasn't right of us to corner you like this and certainly not right of the boys to be so rude.'

Moony shrugged.

'Does it hurt very much?' She asked, gently touching underneath his eye so as not to frighten him.

He shook his head. 'I've had worse.'

Dorea saw that well. Old scars peeked out from under his collar and the sleeves of his jumper. If she looked closely, the fingers of his left hand were slightly bent; as if they'd broken but not healed properly. 'Do you get into a lot of fights, Moony?' He didn't seem like the type who did, but what else could explain the lattice of scars he possessed. Again, she found herself feeling terribly sorry for him. He was so young; James's age, if Charlus' theory was correct.

'I fight when I have to.'

'You didn't think you had to today?' Dorea asked, curiously. 'Charlus tells me that you did not fight back when Sirius caught you. Surely you would have thought to defend yourself?'

The boy blinked. His eyes really were startling; something about them drew her to him. They made her trust him and to a certain extent, feel the very first bubbles of affection for him. What a strange woman she was; to embrace someone she'd hated for almost all her life so easily in a matter of seconds. 'I deserved it,' the boy replied after a long time. 'I was in the wrong.'

 _You were just hungry,_ she wanted to say but held her tongue. Words would not get her anywhere especially when she had already made her decision. Hesitantly, she reached out for him and petted his hair. He did not flinch and that made her only like him more. 'Would you like to stay for dinner, sweetheart?'

* * *

**1.4: Nameless**

'Remus Lupin.' The boy blinked up at Charlus Potter who simply smiled. 'I can't exactly file paperwork for someone called Mongrel, so I made some necessary amendments. It might take some getting used to…' He smiled. 'Don't you like it?'

'I've never had a proper name before,' the boy admitted truthfully.

There were many things Charlus wanted to say but it was still too early. 'I've always wanted to name my son Remus,' he confessed instead, putting an arm around Remus's shoulder as they started to walk.

The boy frowned. 'But your son's name is James.'

Charlus did not meet the boy's eyes. 'My best mate from school would talk for hours on mythology and magic. I barely listened to him half the time but I remember the story of Remus and Romulus were his favourite. I though he was a bit of a nutter really.' He laughed fondly at the memory. 'He was a good friend and a good man.'

'Was?'

'Was,' Charlus confirmed. He shook away the feelings of sorrow, guilt and regret that threatened to creep up his throat. 'Now, let me introduce you to the lads at the garage. They might look intimidating at first, but stick to the wheels and don't challenge what they say, and they may let you in to their circle of brotherhood.' Charlus winked as he pushed the shop door open.

* * *

**1.5: Being Frank**

'God, I wish I had women throwing themselves at my feet!' Frank Longbottom complained as he pushed his sorry excuse of a car across the Potter driveway. It had been stuttering for days now but he had hoped that ignoring the problem would save it. The car was barely a year old; a birthday present from his grandparents. Frank had fought tooth and nail to keep this car. Despite their considerable wealth, the Longbottoms were very strict with Frank's upbringing. According to his mother, a woman with particular affinity for furs and vulture hats, she did not want him to end up like the Black sons – self entitled, spoilt and with little disregard for money or people. He did not want to prove her right and admit to being irresponsible with his car.

He also did not want to tell his mother that she was very right about the Blacks – one of whom was sitting in the front seat of Frank's car while Frank and James Potter pushed from behind. 'Hurry up, you lot! This is taking absolutely forever! I've seen babies stronger than you wankers!'

 _Twat,_ thought Frank, but did not vocalise it. While Frank was not particularly fond of Sirius Black, he was very much so of James Potter, who adored Black like a brother. Everyone in school was aware that the two of them were joint at the hip and you could not be friends with one without having to tolerate the other.

'Don't see what you're complaining about,' James warned, grunting as he pushed harder than necessary, probably in an effort to impress Black. 'You've got Alice, haven't you?'

Frank sighed. 'Yes, but I wish she would aim a little higher than just my feet.'

James raised an eyebrow. 'Trouble in paradise?'

'Alice wants to wait,' Frank admitted, feeling his cheeks flame in shame. 'Till marriage, I mean. Doesn't even let me touch her below the neck. I've had more sessions with my right hand ever since I got together with her than when I was single.' James threw him a sympathetic glance. 'Honestly, I love her, but I am going to wank myself into an early grave at this rate.' Frank did not mention that in his weakest moments, he had also considered propositioning other girls behind Alice's back just to alleviate his frustration. But he knew well how situations like this played out; girls  _always_  squealed. There was no such thing as a secret with women; they would tell their friends who would tell more friends and eventually the truth would come out. Frank was not joking when he told James he loved his girlfriend. He loved Alice; and he was not ready to lose her because some dumb bitch could not control her tongue.

'Finally!' Black exclaimed as they made the final push into the Nimbus Auto-Parts: the Potter's own garage. James had promised that he would talk his father into giving Frank (who was running low of this month's pocket money) a good discount. Mr. Potter was also a very discrete man who understood the workings of old families like the Longbottoms (coming from one himself), and Frank knew that he could trust James's father to keep things hush from his overbearing mother. 'We've got a casualty here!' Black screamed loudly in an attempt to get the attention of one of the workers. Black thought he was probably being funny; it did not help that Potter was sniggering and generally encouraging Black's behaviour.

A boy no younger that Frank jogged up to them. 'I've called for Edgar; he'll be with you soon,' he informed them. Frank noticed that the boy avoided Black's eyes while talking to them, which was probably a good thing because he would only be met by an unkind scowl that had settled permanently on Black's face. Frank frowned wondering what this boy could have done to cause so much displeasure in the great and almighty Sirius Black. He looked harmless enough; tousled brown hair, brown eyes, high cheekbones, a small but permanent pout, and a tall lithe frame that was hidden behind large blue overalls. Frank's eyes moved to the tag pinned to his breast pocket – Remus Lupin, it read.

Frank hadn't realised he had been staring until Lupin caught him at it and smirked knowingly. 'Don't suppose you could have a look at it?' Frank asked, not breaking eye contact.

Lupin shook his head. 'Sorry, Mr. Potter has given me strict instructions. I'm not allowed to do anything more than cleaning until I finish my training.'

'Pity,' Frank replied, though it wasn't a pity at all. 'Guess I'll have to come back…'

Frank did not miss the appreciative once over that Lupin gave him, as Frank inched purposely closer. 'Guess so.'

Frank smirked, clapping both James and Black on the shoulder as he turned. 'All right guess we have no choice but to wait, eh?' He turned back to wink at Remus, not noticing Black shooting the both of them heated glares. Frank was too busy feeling extremely pleased with himself. It seemed, he had finally found a solution to his ever growing problem with Alice.

* * *

**1.6 Hatred in Change**

Sirius hated thieves.

He hated liars.

He hated people who used the kindness of others to their advantage.

He hated people that lacked moral values and basic ethical principles.

He hated them because they reminded him of his family; of the things he went back to every night when he forced his feet to walk home. It reminded him of his own short comings and his struggles to be the person he wanted to be and not what he was slowly becoming.

Sirius hated Remus Lupin because he hated himself.

'Sirius, are you even listening to me? I've been talking about motorbikes this entire time; something you happen to worship, and you haven't batted an eyelid.'

Sirius did not bother to turn around and humour James's incessant babble about the shade of Lily Evans' hair. He kept his eyes trained on the window, narrowing when he saw Lupin lean on Longbottom as he laughed loudly at something Frank said. Sirius couldn't hear their conversation, but it did not take a fool to realise the nature of Longbottom's and Lupin's relationship. Sirius was not blind; he saw through their discrete glances and their casual touches. There was a limit to how many times a man's car could break down, and Longbottom had well passed it a week ago. His excuses to visit James were also wearing thin. Even if James was too daft to see it, Sirius noticed the way Longbottom's eyes darkened with lust when Lupin bent over his car. He noticed the way Lupin's smile turned slyer, purposefully moving his body in a slow, almost rhythmic motion in order to entice and seduce.

It was disgusting.

Filthy.

Sirius wanted to tear them apart.

'Sirius!'

'What is it, James?' Sirius snapped back angrily.

'What is wrong with you?' James demanded. 'You've been acting like an absolute twat the entire day!'

 _There is nothing wrong with me,_ Sirius wanted to say.  _If anything, it's Frank. Frank who has a loving girlfriend and a respectable family; yet, is shagging Lupin. Lupin, whom your parents think the world of even though he is undeserving of their affection._

'If you glare any further, you might burn holes into the bloke.'

Sirius shifted his glare to James instead.

'Why are you so focused on him anyway? It's not as if he's ever done anything to you. Mum and dad like him well enough, and so do I, to be honest,' James tried to reason.

Sirius was not stupid. He knew there was a reason why Lupin was here, wheedling his way into the Potter family. Charlus Potter was a kind man, but not so kind as to bring random street rats into his house. He claimed it was Lupin's talent with mechanics, but Sirius saw no discernable gift that could single the other boy out. There was more hidden behind that innocent face and shy demeanour; and Sirius did not like secrets.

'If you're worried he's going to steal again, you really don't have to. He doesn't even step foot in the house without mum asking him in.'

It was not the stealing he was worried about, though Sirius had seen Lupin sneak some old parts to the back numerous times. It was the cracks. The cracks that were appearing in the normalcy of their world upon the appearance of this intruder. An ominous feeling brewed inside him as he watched Lupin wrap an arm around Frank's shoulders. Things were going to change and not necessarily for the better. Sirius desperately wanted Lupin gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)

 

**Part 1: How We Began**

**1.7: The Arrangement**

'She's beautiful,' Remus commented as he looked at a picture of Frank holding his girlfriend, Alice Lightwood, in his arms. She really was beautiful; a round face framed by short blond hair and thin eyebrows. She had a full mouth that was pulled into a kind smile that reached all the way up to her bright blue eyes. 'You love her.' It wasn't a question. It was evident in the way Frank gazed at her and held the photo frame delicately in his hands.

'I do,' Frank admitted, reaching over Remus to place the frame back on the side table. 'I'm going to ask her to marry me after college.' His hand ran down Remus's bare side before turning him to lay on his back.

'Then think this through,' Remus advised, stopping Frank's wandering hands by the wrist. 'Think about what you're doing carefully because I won't shoulder any of the blame if you get caught.' He suppressed a groan as Frank directed his attention to his neck instead; biting hard enough to leave a mark. 'Frank,' Remus panted as he felt a rough tongue lick a broad stripe down his neck to his nipples. 'I'm asking you to think this through.'

Frank sighed, reluctantly moving up to meet Remus's concerned eyes. 'I love her, Remus, but I have needs she cannot fulfil. I don't plan on forcing her. If she wants to wait, she can; but I can't promise the same of me.' His hands slid into the back of Remus's jeans, cupping Remus's arse firmly and pulling the boy close enough for their groins to touch. 'Now shut up, and kiss me.'

* * *

**1.8: Reading Into You**

'Where are you going?'

It would be so easy to hit her right now. So very easy to pry off the claw like fingers gripping his wrist and bend them over backwards to make her scream like she did him. Sirius had well outgrown her and he was not as susceptible to her attacks as when he was younger. It would be easy, but Sirius would never do it. Because he was a soft hearted coward who pitied his mother more than he loathed her. Before he saw the bruises blossoming on his own wrist, he saw hers. He saw the dried tear tracks on her face and the delusion in her eyes when she looked at Sirius and saw nothing but an embodiment of her husband. Sirius looked startlingly like his father, with his short black hair, porcelain skin, steely grey eyes, and strong, lightly stubbled jaw line.

He really was a fool.

'I'm going to the Potters. I'm going to work on a paper with James,' Sirius replied stiffly, trying not to flinch when her sharp nails drew blood. For a woman so slight, she was deceptively strong. She used every part of her body as weapon: nails sharpened to look like claws; black hair kept so long that when she leaned down to strangle Sirius, he was shrouded in nothing but darkness; elbows and knees bony so they hit hard enough to bruise every single time. 'Dorea has asked me to stay for dinner, so I will be home late.'

At the mention of Dorea's name, she let him go. Sirius did not know why his mother feared the older Potter so much; he did not know enough family history to understand it but that did not keep him from using her as an excuse. Walburga Black saw Dorea Potter as an adversary and a threat; and often spoke of her in a hostile manner during family formals. Sirius reckoned it had something to do with Dorea having married Charlus, who while a Potter, had distanced himself from the family name and fortune to prove his worth. Though Sirius's cousin, Andromeda, had made up some sordid tale about Dorea threatening to reveal Walburga's dirtiest secrets should she toe out of the line.

'Why come home at all?' She mumbled, turning away with furious eyes. 'Go to your lovers and whore houses. Go drown in your corruption and money. Go die. It would be so good if you died.'

Sirius tuned her out, knowing full well that she no longer saw  _him,_ but Orion Black. He knew this routine well. She would continue to mumble to herself, her tone getting more and more manic until she was screaming obscenities to anyone who would hear. Her voice would echo because no one ever really did hear. Not until the butler, K. Reacher rushed downstairs to console his  _mistress._ He would whisper agreements, repeating everything she said as if it would assure her to know that her eldest son was truly the 'shame of her flesh' and her husband was nothing but a 'filthy cheating bastard'. Only when she tired herself out that Sirius's younger brother, Regulus, would gain enough courage to venture outside. Regulus was always the softer (weaker) of the two brothers and where Sirius opted to simply leave the house, he would lie down beside her in bed, and stroke her hair until her shaking stopped and she fell into a deep sleep.

'What is  _he_  doing here?' Sirius growled when he spotted Lupin in the Potter's living room as soon as he was let in. They were sitting opposite each other on the sofa, their legs crossed Indian style as they each held up a deck of cards.

James looked up from his hand, his hazel eyes holding warning. 'We're playing Snap in the hopes that I can at least win this game. Moony here is a flipping genius at every card game I throw at him.' He ruffled Lupin's hair, earning a chuckle from the other boy. 'He claims he's never played half of them, but we all know he's lying.'

'I wouldn't expect anything less from a mongrel,' Sirius spat, ignoring James's glare.

Lupin's jaw tightened and he looked like he sorely wanted to retort back. He glanced sideways at James, however, and then decided to press his lips tightly shut. 'Guess I'll be leaving then,' he said, his voice forcefully neutral, as he made to stand from the sofa.

James held him down, fingers wrapped tightly around his elbow. 'Stay,' he instructed, keeping his gaze trained on Sirius in a challenging manner. 'Sirius will learn to adjust.'

Sirius did not have any intentions of  _adjusting_ to Remus Lupin. But as he returned James's glare, he realised that going against James would mean going back home to Grimmauld Place and facing his mother's insanity. In fact, in her state, she was likely to do more than simply ramble especially in the face if Sirius's early arrival. Unconsciously, Sirius rubbed his sore wrist, where her nails had broken skin only moments ago. Loathe as he was to admit it, he much preferred Lupin's company to his mother's. Grudgingly, he nodded and sat down in the farthest seat from Lupin, taking the opportunity to glare at the boy silently in the hopes that he will simply  _leave._ Something about the boy irked Sirius; he did not like feeling he got every time Lupin was around, as if the very axis of his life was threatening to go off kilter.

'I picked up the latest issue of Moto for you, if you can spare us some time in between you boring holes into Moony.'

Sirius's eyes widened and he practically leaped to the magazine rack beside the television, his heart beating with excitement as he fished out the magazine he had been anxiously waiting an entire day for. 'Cheers, mate!' he thanked James, taking time to admire the glossy front page. It featured a yellow dirt bike and its rider in matching gear, taking a sharp turn across one of the tracks. The headlines were in bold red letters, highlighting the newest models and their modifications as well as the newest champion.

'Don't go into a coma, Black,' James teased with amusement, as Sirius traced the contours of the bike with awe and longing. 'Can you take this one home with you? Mum's been threatening to toss out all your old magazines because they're causing clutter.'

Sirius hugged the magazine protectively to his chest. 'I told you to stuff them in the guest bedroom. I practically live there anyway.' His fingers tightened. 'You know what will happen if I take these home,' he reminded his friend darkly. Mother hated any kind of sport that was crude and un-gentlemanly. Sirius had yet to figure out what exactly could be classified under such requirements, but he knew that the Motocross was not one of them. He had learned the hard way, with a fantastic cigarette burn on the side of his neck. That had been two years ago, when Sirius had barely started to rebel against her. Now, with Sirius nearly immune to her  _punishments_ and constantly grinding on her nerves _,_ it was likely that she would have both his bank account and him locked for a month. Solitary isolation was not something Sirius took as well as a beating.

Sirius rubbed his wrist unconsciously again, only halting when he felt Lupin's eyes trained on him.

Those eyes; so startlingly clear as they looked through Sirius's defences and into territory that Sirius wanted untouched. It made him uncomfortable. Scared.

'What are you looking at?' Sirius growled harshly, feeling agitated when Lupin did not look away. In the end, it was him who averted his eyes.

* * *

**1.9: Bonded in Misery**

'Thank you, Remus,' Dorea smiled, placing a kiss on Remus's cheek and chuckling when he blushed brightly. 'Be a dear, and put everything in that bag in the fridge, won't you?'

She wondered how things had progressed so far; how the child she was supposed to despise had warmed her heart with nothing more than a shy smile and a pair of love starved amber eyes. It had only been a month since Charlus had brought the boy to their house, pleading with Dorea to understand. She hadn't understood; even now, as she waited for a verdict about the boy's identity from her husband, she did not understand. Yet, somehow, she found that she no longer cared. Dorea had even come to enjoy his frequent presence in the house, often asking him to stay for dinner or lunch. She knew that Charlus was secretly glad that she had taken to the boy so quickly. Perhaps it was a result of her maternal instincts kicking in; they had always wanted more children. They had been lucky to even have had James after six years of trying.  _He is not your child,_ she kept reminding herself, but that did not stop her from lovingly adjusting his collar as he offered to help with the dishes.

'If only my son would learn a thing or two from you, Remus, and also offer to help around the house,' she sighed longingly, looking at James and Sirius who were lounging in front of the television watching the Motocross race. Sirius and Charlus had gone on for hours during dinner last night about how revolutionary it was, and how this was the first proper championship for a sport so overlooked.

'Mum…' James groaned.

Sirius snorted. 'The only thing that mongrel has managed to do, Dorea, is stain your carpet with its muddy paws.'

'Sirius!' Dorea cried out, shocked at Sirius's behaviour. Even at his worst, he had never spoken so cruelly to anyone. 'If you are going to continue this appalling attitude, you may leave immediately. You are entitled to your opinions, but I will not stand any disrespect towards Remus, is that understood?' She watched as Sirius's face tightened but he made no effort to apologise; the boy really was too proud for his own good. 'Sirius!' He winced at the sudden change in pitch in her voice and got up abruptly. 'Sirius, you will listen when I am speaking to you!'

'Mum, you know Sirius doesn't like being yelled at,' James shot back angrily, as Sirius left the house, slamming the front door behind him without looking back. 'He gets enough of that back home.' She knew; of course she knew; but she also knew that Sirius had stepped too far out of the line. 'Damn it, mum!' James slammed his hand against the arm rest and got up to presumably follow after Sirius. 'He doesn't have anywhere else to go. If he goes back home now, they'll-' James cut off, unwilling to say much more. Dorea was no fool. She knew well what would happen if Sirius went back now. She also knew that she could not get either of the boys to admit it.

'Where's Moony?' James asked suddenly, frowning. His hazel eyes met Dorea's own, and instantly both of them knew that the boy had chosen to chase after Sirius. 'Bugger!'

The animosity between the two boys was no secret and the last time they had made contact, Remus had ended up with a black eye and several bruises across his chest and arms. Dorea did not know why Remus had decided to run after Sirius, but she had an inkling revenge played a significant role. Remus, she had discovered, had a very strong sense of justice and also considerable physical strength when he desired to use it. He was likely to take it upon himself to punish Sirius for his unkind words.

'Stay,' Dorea instructed James when he also made to run out the front door. 'You might make the situation worse. Remus will listen to me,' she said confidently and ran out the door only to find that the boys had not gone farther than the front garden where Remus was attempting to catch hold of Sirius.

'Don't fucking touch me!' Sirius spat, wrenching his arm away.

Dorea was just about to come in between them when she found herself halting at Remus's next words: 'You're hurt! Let me help you! I have some medicine back home that will ease the pain.' She hadn't noticed he was hurt. Sirius had not said a word this morning when he had, once again, shown up at their doorstep.

'I don't need help from the likes of you!' Sirius snarled, though he had stopped running to face Remus with so much loathing that it twisted his face into something ugly. 'Keep your filthy hands away from me, you dirty son of a bitch!'

Remus slammed Sirius so hard into a tree that Dorea heard the crack of his skull against the tough bark. 'Listen to me!' he growled, pinning Sirius's chest with an arm alone to keep him in place. Dorea had always had an inkling Remus was strong, but with Sirius's futile struggling, it was clearer than ever. 'Look, I'm the same!' he whispered, rolling back the sleeve of his other hand and revealing a maze of scars across his skin.

Dorea felt her heart stop.  _Too many._  She had noticed a few on his neck and hands before, but had never comprehended how many Remus had hid behind collars and sleeves. There were some that were still fresh; red and bruised.  _Who did this?_

Sirius, who had gone into a state of shock not different from Dorea's finally recovered to snarl back, 'I am nothing like you!'

Remus bared his teeth in frustration. 'No. You are an arrogant,' He pushed Sirius by the shoulders. 'Self-centred,' Held both his arms against the tree by the wrist. 'Little prick.' Pushed his entire body against Sirius's, blocking any form of struggle Sirius might attempt. 'Who thinks he can get away with treating people like shite just because they're different. Do you think that if you wave enough of your money and power, people will come flocking to your every whim? Guess what, Black, they  _won't._ Because you are  _nothing_. You are nothing. No one. Just like  _me_.'

For a while, both boys panted, chests heaving deeply against each other. Dorea resisted the temptation to interfere, feeling she would be intruding on an important moment. She would not come in between them unless she thought they were going to hurt each other. A month of hostility towards Remus; a month of unfriendly jibes and deliberate attempts at cruelty – Dorea had had enough of it. The only reason she did not interfere was because she could finally see a spark of acknowledgement in Sirius's eyes.

'Who gave you these?' Sirius finally asked, his voice softer as he looked into Remus's eyes. The tips of his fingers brushed inside the folds of Remus's sleeve where the scars marked his skin.

Remus shrugged, releasing Sirius's arms where they fell limply to his sides.

'They're deep,' Sirius noticed, then whispered, 'Have you ever come close to dying?'

Remus let out a shuddering breath. He did not have to say it in words; his posture alone communicated an affirmative. 'Have you?'

Sirius nodded and Dorea's heart flooded with concern.  _When_ , she wanted to scream.  _How? Why didn't you tell me? Why don't you tell anyone?_ She watched as Sirius hesitated over his next question; looking left and right before meeting Remus's eyes straight on. 'Have you ever wondered why you bother…to keep living?'

Remus's amber eyes hardened and he once again, looked like the boy Charlus had brought to their house a month ago. He looked wary and defensive, like an animal fighting to get out of a cage. 'To spite the people who abandoned me and left me to die.'

At that very moment, Dorea saw something change between the two boys. A connection had been formed out of their shared misery and defiance. It was not friendship, nor brotherhood. It ran much deeper; deeper than blood and sweat and tears. Deeper than the dark chasms she sometimes saw in Sirius's eyes. There was no name for it; no definition, but the bond between them was so palpable that Dorea suddenly felt like she was intruding on a very intimate moment.

Quietly, she left.

* * *

**1.10: Truth is a Sin**

James was not a snoop. He did not spy on people other than the gorgeous Lily Evans. He didn't think it was creepy, as Sirius put it, because he planned on marrying her in the near future. He was in love with her, so he deserved to know everything about her. James had not meant to eavesdrop into his parent's conversation. He had just come home from school and only planned to tell his parents that Sirius might be by later. But then he had heard Lupin's name drop and he could not help but peek through the study door. He wasn't really sure what he was expecting to hear.

Unlike Sirius, James had no focused dislike on the boy, nor was he suspicious of any wrong doing. If he were to be honest, James had not actually cared enough to form an opinion of the boy beyond ' _he's all right'_. The only thing that had struck him odd was that Remus had been brought in by Charlus, not Dorea. James was more that familiar with Dorea's philanthropic nature. She was an activist and had held her fair share of charity events. She volunteered at the children's hospital and the hospice. But Charlus, while supportive of Dorea's projects, had never shown an active interest in helping others. So it had crossed James's mind that bringing in a boy like Remus was slightly suspicious. Why Remus, James had wondered multiple times. Why Remus when there were many more, less fortunate boys who needed work?

'Charlus, it doesn't matter anymore.'

James watched his father pace back and forth across the study floor. His hands were shaking. 'It matters. It matters to me. I-I need to know, but I don't know if I'm ready.' He turned towards Dorea, desperation written all over his face. 'What if…what if the results are positive? What then, Dorea? What do I do? What do I tell him? And James…how will I explain this to James?'

At the mention of his name, James leaned in closer. A knot of nervousness formed inside his stomach; he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear what this was about anymore but found that he couldn't back away.

'Charlus,' Dorea placed both hands on his shoulders, stopping his pacing. 'Have you thought about what you're going to do if the results are negative? Charlus looked up at her with wide eyes and it was clear from his expression that he hadn't. 'Will you ask him to leave? Throw him out without an explanation? What will you do Charlus?' When her husband did not reply, Dorea urged him to sit down on the sofa and poured him a cup of tea. 'I've thought about it long and hard, to be honest. From the moment you brought him in, I've thought about what we would do and how I would react. I thought of it every day, and every day I found my answer changing.' She sighed and sat down beside Charlus. 'Today and perhaps every day after this, my answer is that it doesn't matter.

Charlus shook his head miserably. 'You can't mean that.'

Dorea smiled kindly. 'I do. I-I've really come to care for the boy, Charlus. I know it sounds ridiculous to you, but he's...' A soft silence came over them as she searched for the right word. 'He's just a child. A child that has been left alone for far too long. Every time I look at him, Charlus, my heart breaks a little. I think of James and whether I would ever want him living like that; not a single person to love him or take care of him. Hope or not, I doubt any mother would want to see her son like this. Whatever the result, I want you to ask him to live with us.'

Charlus looked at her in awe. 'You are an amazing woman and I love you.' He leaned in to kiss her gently, and James pretended to gag behind his hand. 'You're right,' he agreed, holding Dorea's hands within his. 'Remus stays, regardless of whether or not he is my son.'

* * *

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)

 

**Part 1: How We Began**

**1.11: Defend thy Enemy**

Lupin looked up as Sirius approached through the thicket of trees in the furthest and most dense part of the Potter's garden. It was their little hiding place, away from questioning eyes; away from a world of rules. 'All right?' He asked, shifting to make space for Sirius to sit beside him.

Sirius nodded. 'You haven't been using this place to skive off work, have you?' While Sirius's words were harsh, they lacked the bite they usually had in front of Lupin. His demeanour had been uncharacteristically friendly since their fight in the Potter's garden three weeks ago. This was not to say that Sirius no longer slipped in the occasional jibe at Lupin, but they were more friendly than anything. 'You wouldn't want to overextend Dorea's hospitality.' He fumbled in his pockets for a packet of cigarettes before finding one and lighting it. 'Fuck, that feels good,' he groaned, throwing his head back to blow out puffs of smoke.

'Bad?' Remus asked, stealing the fag from between Sirius's fingers and taking a long drag.

Sirius watched Remus's pink lips close around the cigarette one more time, before nodding and taking his shirt off. He knew from Remus's whispered expletives that it was even worse than he'd initially thought. He had only caught glimpses of it in the mirror when showering, but could tell from the way it ached every time he moved that Mother had done a number on him this time. 'Bitch didn't spare the rod this time,' he hissed in relief when Remus's cold hands settled on his back gently. 'She never touches Regulus; good little boy that he is. I…' Sirius trailed off, suddenly realising he was revealing too much. He wondered if Remus thought his family queer or cruel; if looking at the state of Sirius's decrepit family brought about any pity. Sirius did not want to be pitied, especially not from an orphan street urchin like Remus Lupin.

But if there was one respectable thing about Remus Lupin, it was his silence. It was perhaps why they started this ritual of theirs. They would meet here in silent acquiesce and heal each other's wounds. There would be no words exchanged, no reasons demanded. They would simply open the little white box Sirius had bought at the pharmacy, and rub ointment on the bruises and bandage the open wounds. Sirius did not hide from Remus, like he did with James or the Potters. He did not have to listen to Mrs. Potter's pleas to tell her the truth or let her report his parents. All he had to do was sit there with his knees folded against his chest, having his wounds taken care of in silence as he shared a fag with Remus Lupin.

'It's the best I can do.' Sirius heard Remus speak after a long time. He opened his eyes, surprised to find that he had dozed off under Remus's gentle touch. 'Do you have any more?'

Sirius shook his head. 'You?'

'Not yet.' The way Remus said it made it seem that he was expecting to get hurt soon.

'What about-' Sirius placed his hand on Remus's side, a thumb moving under his shirt and tracing the fading bruise that he had helped patch up last week. The skin beneath his fingers felt and soft, and he pushed Remus's t-shirt higher with a sudden need to feel more. 'Does it hurt anymore?' A cruel part of him wanted Remus to say yes; to ask Sirius for help just so that Sirius could have an excuse to touch him again. To touch all the scars that marred Remus's pale skin; to trace every single curve and definition with his eyes and commit it to memory for those times when he found his hands slipping beneath his own boxers at night. He felt dirty; filthy. No better than Longbottom, who he detested for his lack of moral code.

Sirius let his hand drop and he got up, pulling on his shirt hastily. 'I have to go. I promised James I'd meet him at five.' He snorted when Lupin reached up an arm towards him. 'Find yourself up.' He did not want to touch Lupin. Not now. Something inside him felt fragile and breakable.

'So cruel, Black,' Remus lamented, pushing himself up with both arms and dusting himself off. 'Here I was thinking we were starting to become friends.'

'Then you have been delusional this entire time.'

Remus smiled ruefully and followed Sirius out of their little hideout. They walked side by side in comfortable silence, hands brushing against each other. However, as they came closer to the house, the distance between them widened until Remus was walking a good few feet in front of him. Soon, Sirius would head inside to the Potter's home for dinner, while Remus went back to the garage for work. They both understood why they still had to maintain appearances; this thing between them really didn't have a name yet. Sirius would not call them friends; yet, Remus Lupin was definitely far from an acquaintance.

Sirius was just about to bid Remus goodbye, when a scream ripped through the air.

'LUPIN!'

Sirius was shocked to see James running towards them, his face flushed in what could only be anger. He did not even have time to question what had happened; or even time to react as James's fist connected sharply with Remus's jaw. The first blow caught Remus by surprise and he reeled backwards slightly, before standing straighter. Sirius knew that stance well in Remus; had been on the receiving end of it only a few weeks ago. Remus was gearing for a fight and he was not one to lose. As predicted, James's second blow was not as lucky, and was blocked easily by Remus and followed by a punch to the stomach.

'You bastard!' James cried, doubling over. 'You little son of a whore!' He attacked Remus again, only to be pushed by the shoulders and to the ground. 'What were you trying to do, huh? Did you think you could make some quick money out of this? You're already halfway there, aren't you? Were you planning to bleed us dry eventually?' Remus, who had been advancing on James with an almost feral look, suddenly stopped in his tracks. The look on his face was one of confusion. This was good; it meant the fight might only be a misunderstanding and Sirius would not have to intervene. 'You didn't think I knew, did you, you fucking bastard? You didn't think you would get caught; that you would continue to blackmail my family as you wished!'

'James, I don't know what you're talking about…' Remus said slowly. 'There must be some mistake.'

'Oh, don't give me those fucking lies!' James screamed with a sudden kick to Remus's stomach.

Ordinarily it would not have affected Lupin, but Sirius remembered the still recovering bruise underneath Remus's shirt. Sirius watched the boy fall over with a groan, tears of pain blossoming in his eyes. 'James, enough!' Sirius warned, quickly standing in front of Lupin to keep his best friend from attacking the boy again. 'Have you lost your mind? You're babbling nonsense! James!' He cried again, as James attempted to push him away roughly to get to Remus. He wondered what had driven his friend to such anger that he would attempt to even raise a hand against Sirius. Later, he would wonder why he chose to defend Remus instead of James. 'James, stop it!'

'Has that fucker been threatening you, too?' James demanded, grabbing hold of Sirius's collar and shaking him roughly. Sirius's back smarted painfully but he held his ground. 'Which is it? Your abusive mother? Your adulterer father? Your faggot uncle?'

'I SAID, ENOUGH!' Sirius had never hit anyone so hard his whole life. It felt good. It felt fantastic as the rage that had been boiling within him spilled out of his hand and hit James on the side of his head. 'DON'T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW!' he screamed even as his lungs protested. 'YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T KNOW MY FAMILY!' He pulled his fist back, readying for another hit when he spied, from the corner of his eye, Mr. and Mrs. Potter running towards them. 'Saved by mummy and daddy,' he spat viciously, before turning to help Lupin up.

* * *

**1.12: Connecting the Past**

'Sirius, can I talk to Remus in private please?'

Sirius looked up at Mr. Potter who was standing at the kitchen doorway. There was a hard look in the man's eyes that made Sirius distinctly uncomfortable. A part of him reasoned that Mr. Potter would never hurt Remus, but he would have said the same of James an hour ago. Yet, here he was sitting opposite Remus at the kitchen table, holding a bag of frozen peas to the other boy's injured face. 'No, I don't think so,' Sirius replied protectively. 'You can say what you need to with me here, I'm sure. Since James got me involved in this whole debacle without consenting me first, I think I deserve to know what this was about.'

Charlus's lips pressed together tightly; he looked about to protest. Yet, to Sirius's surprise, he nodded and pulled up a chair so that he was sat facing Remus, beside Sirius. 'I want you to listen to me fully before speaking,' he requested of both Sirius and Remus. 'What happened today wasn't James's fault. It was mine, and I apologise on his behalf. He listened in on a conversation he shouldn't have and he jumped to the wrong conclusions, rather than consulting us first.' Charlus sighed heavily and Sirius could tell that this conversation was costing him a lot. 'Remus, I…' An ominous silence fell upon them and Sirius had a sudden urge to stop Charlus Potter; to tell him that some things were best kept secret. That fear of  _change_ that had haunted him since Lupin's arrival here gripped him yet again. 'I didn't bring you here to work for me, nor did I think you had some extraordinary talent that I needed to cultivate. The truth is, the day we met, I recognised your face. You look just like your mother.'

The silence was deafening. It felt as if everyone had suddenly stopped breathing. Both Sirius and Mr. Potter looked up at Remus, gauging for a reaction. There was nothing. It seemed that all expression had dropped from Remus's face, and he just sat there as if frozen in place.

'I-' Charlus struggled to fill the void, as he rooted through his pockets and pulled out a photograph. It was clear he had come prepared for this conversation. 'We were neighbours – all three of us.' He turned it over for Remus to see. 'That's your father, Lyall.' He pointed to a young man no older than twenty, with bright blond hair, a winning smile, and Remus's amber eyes. 'And your mother, Hope.' Charlus had not been exaggerating when he'd said that Remus looked like his mother. Though slighter and much smaller in build than Remus, the features were unmistakeable. She had the same light brown hair, the same nose, and jaw line, even her dimple fell in the exact same spot on her right cheek. She stood in between Lyall and what was unmistakeable a younger Charlus Potter, both their arms around her shoulders. She was definitely younger than the two men, but stunningly beautiful.

Charlus Potter smiled kindly when Remus took the photograph from him with shaking hands. 'I was in love with her. We both were; Lyall and I.' He leaned back against his chair as he reminisced. 'But Lyall was a good friend; honourable to the very end. He knew how I felt, so he urged me to ask her out. Even now I think about how insensitive I was to his feelings. It wasn't as if I didn't know, but I was too madly in love with your mother to care. When she said yes, I was over the moon.' He sighed. 'We were together for a year before I botched things up. Hope had come to me one day, in tears, saying she might be pregnant.'

Sirius drew a sharp breath. Suddenly, everything James had been screaming during their fight made sense. He watched as Remus's fingers tightened, nearly crumpling the photograph. It seemed Sirius wasn't the only one who had made the connection.

'I never stayed long enough to find out if her fears were true. I was young and stupid, and all I kept thinking about was how furious my father would be. I never even stopped to think about how scared she was feeling. I just left. I told myself it was the right thing to do; to just forget her and move on. I never did either.' Charlus rubbed his face tiredly. 'Eleven years later I found out that she'd married Lyall shortly after I had left. I had never kept contact in fear that I might be tempted to leave the family I already had, just for her. She had a son, too, called Remus.'

'Am,' Remus's voice broke, as he tried to speak for the first time since Charlus Potter had entered. 'Am I…?' He didn't need to complete the question for either of them to understand what Remus was asking.

Charlus shook his head, and Sirius couldn't understand whether Remus was relieved or saddened by the truth. 'No. But God, I wish you were, Remus. I really wish you were. But it turns out Hope was never pregnant that time. You were born a few months after James;  _six years_  after I had left Godric's Hollow forever.'

'Then why?' Remus's tone was angry, wronged. 'If I wasn't yours, then why was I abandoned?' he demanded, standing up abruptly and then sitting down, when the pain in his gut was jolted. 'Why was I left on the streets to die?'

'You weren't,' Charlus cut him off brusquely. 'Don't you ever accuse Lyall and Hope of something so horrid! Have you ever stopped to think that something might have happened to them? That they might have been murdered in cold blood? The only reason I had heard of them after eleven years of silence was because I was invited to their funeral! I wish I could tell you how you ended up on the streets, Remus, but I can't. But it isn't from the lack of trying! They told me you were dead. What was I supposed to do, Remus? I didn't know what you looked like, how old you were; neither the police nor the family would even give me any detailed information. I was finally able to get your basic blood and DNA records back today!' He held Remus by the shoulders, a desperate gleam in his eyes. It was as if he was willing Remus to understand that he really had tried everything in his power. 'I have no doubt, Remus, that your parents loved you. I knew Lyall and Hope, and if anything, I believe the reason you are alive today is because they fought for you.'

Remus shrugged off Charlus's hands roughly. 'What's the use of telling me this now? It all translates to the same thing in the end, doesn't it? I'm still fucking alone; you're not my father and the parents I had are dead.'

'That's not true,' Charlus protested. 'You're not alone, Remus. I'm-'

'YOU?' Remus screamed so loudly that Sirius nearly fell over in surprise. He didn't thinking he had ever had Remus raise his voice so high in anger. 'You lied to me and used me, made me feel like a part of your family; and for what? To quench your guilt over having left a woman you might have loved! I was a way to make up for all your past faults, nothing more!' Tears pooled in Remus's amber eyes and Sirius prayed they wouldn't fall. He had been dreading them from the moment Mr. Potter had sat with them. But Sirius had no power to stop them from falling, and they did in thick streams down Remus's cheeks. 'Fuck you, Mr. Potter,' Remus whispered, wiping his eyes roughly and collapsing into the chair again. 'Fuck you. I was fine before I met you and your family. I was fine on my own. Fuck you.'

'Remus.' Sirius was no longer sure who had uttered Remus's name; it seemed that both he and Charlus Potter had said it at the same time. 'Remus,' Sirius whispered, hesitantly putting a hand on Remus's shoulder. He was rebuked as Remus shrugged him off roughly. Sirius had nothing comforting to say after that, and simply stood lamely not unlike Mr. Potter, as Remus tried and failed to wipe away his tears with the back of his hands. It was pathetic. So, so pathetic, and for some reason, it reminded Sirius of his brother, Regulus who always cried in his room after Sirius had been served another lashing. Sirius never comforted his brother either. In the Black house, there was no room for emotion or comfort. Each to fend off on his own.

'I'm going home.' Remus stood up quickly, wiping his nose on his sleeve. 'Do you think I could use your phone before I leave?'

Charlus Potter nodded, though Sirius could tell that he was reluctant to let Remus go. Sirius wished Mrs. Potter were here. She would have handled the situation much better, but she had taken James out, possibly to explain away the same misunderstanding. 'Remus, I'd rather you stayed.'

Remus did not grace Charlus with an answer. Instead, he walked out, leaving both Sirius and Charlus to stand haplessly in the ruins of the older Potter's truth. Sirius wished he could have gone after Remus; nothing was stopping him but the reluctance of his own feet and the numbness of his heart. He could not bear to hear the tears in Remus's voice as he spoke over the phone, but that did not mean Sirius didn't regret his decision seconds later when he realised exactly who Remus was talking to.

'Frank, do you think you could come over tonight?'

* * *

**1.13: Flushed**

The rickety bed creaked loudly as they moved in tandem. Remus's hands clenched the headboard tightly as Frank pushed into him, again and again. Frank didn't like doing things this way; he preferred looking at his partner's face during sex. But he also understood that Remus needed this today, so he compromised by burying his hands in Remus's hair and pulling him backward until they were pressed chest to back. Remus's knees slipped underneath him as they kissed messily, but Frank held him steady by wrapping a strong arm around his thin waist. If the kiss felt more wet than usual or if Remus held on to him too hard as he came, he did not complain. Instead, Frank lowered Remus gently into the bed, letting the boy bury his face into his neck and wrap his arms around him, until sleep overcame him. Only then, did Frank allow himself to disentangle from Remus; just enough to survey the damage. There was a bruise darkening on his jaw and another on the right side of his stomach. A fight? Frank wondered who it was with and why it had Remus so upset.

Sighing, Frank sat up. There was dried cum all over his stomach and thighs, and he felt a desperate need to wee. Looking back one last time at Remus, he headed towards the bathroom to relieve himself. The pipes creaked as he turned on the hot water tap, iron stained water spluttering in short sharp bursts. Frank tried not to wrinkle his nose in distaste. Not everyone could afford the luxury that he, the Potters, or the Blacks lived in; he knew this. He also knew that this apartment was like a palace compared to the hell Remus had been living in before Mr. Potter had taken him in. He was a good man: Charlus Potter. Frank had no doubt that James would grow up to be one as well.

Realising that Remus would appreciate waking up clean, Frank looked for a washcloth he could use. He searched on all the racks before moving to the mirror cabinet, and stopping dead when his eyes fell upon an entire row of unlabelled pill bottles. Five, he counted. Three bottles, each with the same red pills though in varying quantities. The other two he knew too well, because he had seen his own cousin overdose on them at age fourteen: sleeping pills. His cousin had kept the unlabelled as well, to avoid suspicion. Frank wasn't a fool; he knew Remus was troubled. There were always new bruises and scars all over his body; sometimes he had bags under his eyes from lack of sleep; and there were days when he made terrible excuses not to see Frank at all. Frank had never asked about them; he had never believed in over stepping his boundaries. But looking back at how Frank had rushed to come here when he had heard the vulnerability in Remus's voice, there was no longer denying it. He cared for Remus Lupin, possibly more than he was willing to admit at that moment.

Having made his decision, Frank quickly uncapped all the bottles and poured them out into the toilet. When he had emptied every last one of them, he flushed; then put the bottles back into the cabinet as they were. As he walked back to the bedroom and slipped in beside Remus again, Frank tried not to think too much into how Remus would react tomorrow when he found the cabinet empty. He carefully wiped away the dried remnants of their night together from Remus's body with a cool washcloth and then kissed the other man's brow, before pulling the sheets over them.

* * *

**1.14: The Four Walls of Loneliness**

'James, Black! Wait!' Frank jogged up to them. 'Listen, I wanted to ask, has Rem-Lupin come to work today? I-er-needed some work done on my car, and he was-is the only one who knows how to get it done.' Sirius wondered if Frank's lies to his girlfriend were as frail and pathetic as this. 'I've stopped by the workshop a few times and I haven't really seen him.'

'Sorry, Frank, he hasn't been to work these past few days,' James answered, guilt seeping into his voice. 'He's on leave for a little while. We're still not sure when he's going to come back.'

Ever since Mrs. Potter had explained everything to James, he had been meaning to apologise to Remus for his actions. Sirius had already forgiven him, claiming that what James had said had been true anyway though not any less cruel. Remus, however, had been absent from work for the past two days. So, James had been unable to beg forgiveness. Mr. Potter had requested the both of them to leave the boy alone for a little while; just to give him time to come in terms with everything that had happened. Though both Sirius and Mrs. Potter were not happy, they both agreed to respect Mr. Potter's wishes. Mrs. Potter had instead announced that she would not be speaking to Mr. Potter until Remus came back, and sorely blamed the entire debacle on Charlus's inability to handle the situation properly. Sirius silently agreed with her.

'Right,' Frank replied with a fake smile, as he tried to look unconcerned. Something about his tone was disconcerting to Sirius.

'James, you can go ahead to class if you like. Frank and I have to discuss a project we're working on,' Sirius said hastily, not taking his eyes off of Frank's fidgety form. Frank definitely knew something Sirius didn't. That night when Remus had gone back, Frank had most certainly heard or seen something. Did Remus tell him everything? How much did Frank know exactly? Sirius wondered how much he could ask without revealing the Potter's secret.

'What project?'

'Just go, James,' Sirius insisted, ignoring James's furrowed eyebrows. He could not be bothered to come up with a valid excuse. Not when his heart beat so loudly in fear. Something had happened; he knew it. He knew from the moment Remus had left the house that night that something bad was going to happen. 'Frank,' Sirius pulled the boy to a corner, once James had grudgingly left them alone. 'What happened that night Remus went back home? He called you to come, didn't he?' When Frank looked up at him in shock, Sirius waved his unvoiced concern away. 'I won't tell Alice. I honestly don't care who you fuck in your free time, but this concerns Remus and I need to know.'

Frank looked around them, as if expecting someone to listen in. 'I've been calling him about eight times a day; he hasn't picked up the phone once. I tried going to his flat, but no one answers the door, so I tried the garage. He isn't there either and James just confirmed that he never came to work. I don't know if I should go to the police or if I'm overreacting. It hasn't even been that long and what am I going to tell them; that it's just a gut feeling I have because I'm sleeping the bloke?'

Sirius's anger was overridden by his concern. 'You're right. It hasn't been that long,' he told himself more than Frank. 'Something happened that night and he was upset, so he's probably just taking some time to mull things over.'

Frank shook his head vehemently. 'You don't understand. I-Sirius, I found  _pills_ in his bathroom cabinet.'

'That doesn't mean anything.'

'It does in the quantity I found them,' Frank insisted. 'Sirius, they were all unlabelled. I didn't see a single prescription in his house. I didn't know what else to do. So I just flushed them. Fuck, I  _flushed_ them.' He ran both hands through his hair before gripping Sirius's shoulders tightly. 'Fuck, I didn't think. I didn't think before getting rid of them. Sirius, what if he's having withdrawals? What if that's why he hasn't been answering my calls? Fuck, fuck, fuck!' Frank punched the wall behind him. 'I am a fucking idiot!'

'Stop,' Sirius tried to keep Frank from hyperventilating, though he could feel panic and dread settling in his own gut. 'Frank, I need you to calm down. I'm going to give Charlus a call from the pay phone right now, and then you're going to take me to Remus's flat. Can you do that, Frank?' He didn't wait for Frank to reply; Sirius had not given him a choice. He might have been overreacting, but his gut said otherwise.

Forty five minutes later, Sirius was glad he had followed his instincts as a medical team carried away an unconscious Remus Lupin on a stretcher. It had taken three people to break down Remus's apartment door; four from the medical team to make sure Remus was still breathing. Mr. Potter, Sirius, and Frank had stood there in the middle of Remus's tiny living room in horror and disbelief. It was then that Sirius was hit with the insignificance of his own life. Where the Potters and Blacks fought over money and possession, Remus barely had enough things to fit into his dingy little flat the size of Sirius's bathroom.  _People don't steal food out of greed, Sirius,_  Dorea Potter had told him when they had first brought Remus in, _they steal out of hunger_. Remus had no money, no power, no status; yet his life had left enough of an impact to have people worry over him. How many people would come for Sirius if he were at the brink of death, he wondered. Three, he knew, but they would only come to finish the job.

Remus had been wrong. He was not alone.

But Sirius was.

It made Sirius wonder if he would find the answer to his loneliness in Remus.

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)

 

**Part 1: How We Began**

**1.15: Seized**

'This is all my fault.'

Sirius silently agreed.

'James, no one is at fault,' Mrs. Potter said kindly. 'Sometimes things happen. You can't expect to control every aspect of your life.'

James sniffled and Sirius wondered if he was crying. Frank certainly had been; the boy had not even tried to hide it as he sat silently by himself and wept. He was a fool. He was raising suspicion this way. More than once, Sirius had caught James looking at Frank oddly, possibly wondering why he was crying. After all, to Frank, Remus was no one but the bloke who occasionally fixed his car. Sirius hoped James would look past it as a Longbottom sentimentality.

'Mr. Potter?' They all clambered around the doctor, Dr. Malory Smith, nearly tripping over each other's feet in haste. They had been sitting here for over an hour, pacing holes into the floor with worry. This would be the first time a doctor would offer them information beyond,  _everything will be fine, please be calm._ 'Are you family?'

'Yes,' James spoke up before Charlus had a chance to reply. Mrs. Potter's face broke into a proud smile. 'Yes, we're family. Is Moon-Remus all right?'

The doctor smiled. 'It's nothing to worry about. He has a mild concussion and a few stitches on the side of his head. He's lost a decent bit of blood which would explain his condition when you found him.' She tapped the right side of her own head, pointing out where Remus was likely to be hurt. 'The paramedics mentioned that there was a wooden table close to where he fell. We're supposing that he hit his head decently hard, when he lost control during one of his seizures. It's not uncommon for patients like him to injure themselves on surrounding objects, though we do recommend keeping your house sparse of sharp objects just to be on the safe side.'

'You said seizures?' Frank asked in alarm, his hand gripping the doctor's arm. Again, agitation ripped through Sirius at Frank's obvious behaviour.

Dr. Smith nodded kindly. 'Well, yes, Remus has had PTE for some time now, I would say. We did find trace amounts of antiepileptic drugs in his system, which indicated that he was taking medication to keep it under control. Though, he seemed to have stopped it, maybe for a few days?' Realisation dawned on him and Sirius glared at Frank, only keeping himself from punching the boy hard in the face. 'That's probably what brought about the seizure of this magnitude in the first place. Which of you are responsible for monitoring his medication?'

Both Mr. and Mrs. Potter looked at each other. 'I'm sorry,' Mr. Potter started, his cheeks bright with mortification. 'Remus has been living by himself and we weren't aware…' he trailed off and Sirius could tell that Mr. Potter could not have been more ashamed of himself if he tried. Like Sirius, he was probably wondering why he had never noticed. Remus was regularly injured, but Sirius had not once asked why; he simply assumed that Remus got into a lot of fights. 'I didn't think he was sick in any way and…I…' Charlus looked hopelessly at his wife, as if just looking at her would show him what to do or say. 'I don't think we even know what PTE is or how to help him.'

'Mr. Potter,' Dr. Malory shot him a stern glare. 'Are you telling me that you allowed a minor; a sick one at that to live by himself, without supervision? To go as far as to say you didn't even know of his health condition!' The kindness in her face was replaced by disdain, as she looked from Charlus to Dorea. 'Do you realise that as guardians, this constitutes as neglect? I could have you reported!'

'Doctor, perhaps we can explain ourselves a little better if we just sit down and talk?' Dorea Potter replied calmly to the doctor's accusations, when Charlus seemed too flustered to reply. 'You can also advise us on exactly what Remus needs and how we can help him. The children will be excusing themselves now.' She shot a look towards James and Sirius that bode no arguments. She raised a palm when James let out a grumble of protest. 'Go home for now. We'll call you when we're done and you can visit Remus then.'

Grudgingly, Sirius and James agreed.

Only then did Sirius realise that Frank was no longer with them. Which was probably for the best because Sirius would have likely attacked him the minute they stepped out of the hospital. A part of him wanted to tell James everything; how Frank had disposed of Remus's medication, how he was cheating on the girlfriend he claimed to love. James would not keep quiet; he had a stronger moral compass than Sirius. One word from Sirius right now could ruin Frank Longbottom for all of eternity. In his head, he repeated the confession again and again. But he did not voice it, because he knew that with Frank, Remus would be pulled down in James's eyes as well.

'What do you think PTE is?' James asked quietly, as they walked home. Sirius only now noticed that James was also in his school uniform and had likely left classes in a hurry to come here when he heard the news. Did he really care that much? Why, Sirius wondered. Why had James said Remus was family when he had never so much as spent five minutes alone with him? Not like how Sirius had. 'You don't think it's serious, do you?'

Sirius shrugged. 'I don't know.'

He just wanted to go back to Remus.

* * *

**1.16: Home & Heart**

'Frank, please stop crying.' Remus sighed as Frank shook his head, unable to form words past his thick tears. 'I told you, it's not your fault. You were only trying to help.' If anything, this made Frank cry even harder, and his fists clutched on to Remus's white hospital gown in a death hold. 'Frank,' he tried again, stroking the boy's brown hair gently. 'Listen, this isn't the first time this has happened. I would have woken up eventually and gotten myself treated. The medication you found; I've only been able to afford them recently. It doesn't even stop the tremours completely; just keeps a few of the worst in check. So I know how to take care of myself.'

'You could have told me,' Frank argued vehemently. 'You could have told me, then I wouldn't have done something this stupid! I would have called the hospital sooner! I would have done  _something!'_

'And why would you?' Remus asked harshly, tiredness fuelling his irritation. 'We  _fuck_ , Frank. When you have an itch, I scratch it; that's it. I don't understand why you are blubbering all over the sheets over something so inconsequential.'

'Because we are  _friends,_  you heartless bastard!' Frank yelled, hitting Remus hard in the chest with a balled fist. 'Yes, okay, we fuck. But we also play video games in my room and go biking together. I spend the night in your flat every time I come over, just talking about school and books and Alice. If you're fucking hurt, I care! If you're fucking dying, then a part of me dies, too! If you can't understand that, then…' Frank trailed off as Remus pulled him into a bone crushing hug.

'Shut up,' Remus laughed, squeezing his arms tighter. 'You're being ridiculous. I'm not dying.' He cupped a hand over Frank's mouth before he could spout any more nonsense. 'Listen, it's nothing. It's just a few seizures. They happen because when I was younger, I hit my head very hard somewhere. To be honest, I can't remember, but the doctors say it must have been quite traumatic. That's it. I'm fine. Look at me, I'm fine.'

Frank didn't look like he quite believed it, but nodded nonetheless. 'I was terrified,' he confessed. 'If Black hadn't been there-'

Remus frowned. 'Sirius?'

'Yes,' Frank confirmed. 'He's the one who called the Potters and the ambulance. He got me to take him to the flat and helped break the door down. Honestly, I've heard a lot about how reliable he is from James but never quite believed it until today. He's normally such a cruel twat in school, but they say that Black is only loyal to the people he cares about. Everyone else is just trash to him.' Warmth spread from Remus's chest to the tips of his fingers upon hearing Frank's confession. 'You must have done something bloody brilliant to get in his favour like that.'

Remus had never really done anything. If anything, Remus had always thought Sirius hated him.

'Listen, I'm going to buy you all the replacements you need,' Frank continued. 'Whatever prescription they give you, just-'

'I don't need your charity,' Remus cut him off harshly.

'Fuck you if you think this is charity,' Frank countered, grabbing Remus's chin roughly and pulling him into a kiss. Remus found himself laughing into Frank's mouth as he wrapped his arms around the other boy. He wanted to say thank you; to Frank and to Sirius, for caring enough. He wished he could say it without feeling vulnerable and stupid, and hoped that at least Frank understood through the gentle, indulgent kisses Remus gave him.

There was a knock on the door before it opened, and Frank and Remus hastily sprang apart.

'Oh hello, Frank,' Mrs. Potter said from the doorway. Her husband was standing behind her, peeking in curiously. 'I believe I told you boys to go home?'

Frank blushed brightly and stammered, 'Y-yes, Mrs. Potter. I just wanted to make sure Remus was doing all right first.'

'Well, you've made sure now,' she replied sternly. Her tone was enough indication that she wanted him to leave. Remus wondered if she had seen them kissing; if she was acting the way she was because of it. He told himself it didn't matter; that  _she_  didn't matter. Yet, even if it had all been a ruse, she was the first person to ever be kind to him. Even if it had been fake, the gratitude and affection he felt for her wasn't; and he found that he couldn't blame her for her husband's folly. Of all the members of the Potter family, Remus had always craved Dorea's acceptance the most.

'How are you feeling, Remus?' Dorea asked him, choosing to sit on the edge of his bed near his hip, instead of the chair beside it. 'You gave us quite a fright there.' Her slim fingers carded through his hair, running cautiously over the stitches on the right side.

Remus shrugged, suddenly finding his throat too tight to speak.

Dorea sighed. 'Remus, listen, the doctor just informed us of your condition. I could probably accuse you of not telling us, but I suppose we've never really tried to involve ourselves in your life enough to know. And we certainly haven't given you a reason to trust us.' She shot Charlus Potter a dirty look. 'But I want to start making amends today; here and now.'

'Remus, what would you say to living with us?' Charlus took over for his wife. He dragged his chair closer to the bed, so that he could lay a hand over Remus's. 'Your parents haven't registered a Godfather for you, but I'd like to think Lyall would have chosen me to take care of you in his absence.' His smile was hopeful and sincere, as his fingers squeezed Remus's within his. 'I know I'm late; you're not a child anymore. But I'd still like to have you as part of our home.'

Remus looked into Charlus's hazel eyes and he knew that they both meant well. He also knew his own answer. 'No,' he replied in a quiet voice, pulling his hand away. 'No, thank you.'

'Remus, please think this through,' Dorea reasoned, her hand moving down to cup his face. 'I know you're angry-'

'I'm not angry anymore, Mrs. Potter,' Remus interrupted. It was the truth; he was no longer angry. He was hurt, but he understood their actions and motivations. 'However, I know my place. I'm not…' He struggled to find the words to explain how he felt; how he saw himself in their eyes and his own. 'I don't belong with you.' He regretted saying it the moment it came out of his mouth. Both Mr. and Mrs. Potter looked hurt by his confession. 'You already have a son. You have a home and a life. I'm just…' He didn't know how else to put it. 'I don't fit into that equation and maybe I don't need to.' He tried to smile reassuringly. 'If you'll have me, I'd like to continue to work at the garage. But I want to be able to stand on my own feet and take care of myself.'

'Remus,' Mrs. Potter held his face in her hands as she looked deep into his eyes. It made Remus uncomfortable; as if she could read through him and his façade. 'It is okay to need other people.'

_No, it's not._

Dorea was about to say more but Charlus raised a hand to stop her. 'We understand,' he conceded in a hard voice. 'But on the condition that you have dinner with us every day before you leave, and you allow me to monitor your medication. I've already talked to the doctor and I'll have everything set up by tomorrow. I don't want any arguments. It's this or nothing.' He did not exactly give a choice, so Remus had no option but to agree. 'Good,' Mr. Potter nodded, though he did not look very pleased. 'Good.'

'I wish you would reconsider,' Dorea pleaded, running her thumb over the fading bruise on his jaw. Her eyes filled with tears when Remus answered her with silence. It was for her own good, Remus told himself, though he allowed her to wrap her arms around his shoulders and pull him into a motherly embrace. 'I wanted those results to come back positive,' she whispered only for them to hear. 'I never told Charlus, but I wanted you to be his, so that I could have another son.' She kissed the side of his head when he buried his face into her shoulder, nearly regretting his decision even though he knew it was the right one. 'I love you.'

* * *

**1.17: Kisses of Friendship**

'You boys be careful, you hear me! I don't want you to stay in there for too long!'

Mrs. Potter's warnings fell on deaf ears, as all three boys splashed in the lake, dunking each other's head underwater to get the upper hand. If Sirius were to be honest, he was only using play as an excuse to touch Remus's naked skin without raising suspicion. He had practically leaped at the opportunity when James had suggested cooling off with a swim in the lake. Sirius didn't think it was bad to have an ulterior motive concerning Remus; after all, James had one too. After the whole debacle with Remus and the hospital, James had been making more of an effort to include Remus as a sign of apology. Where their relationship had been cordial once, it was now filled with days spent in the sun and a possibility of friendship. Sirius was reaping the benefits of their new found friendship as he no longer needed to look for an excuse to seek Remus out. Which was just as well because Remus had been far from frosty towards Sirius.

'Oi!' Remus screamed as Sirius climbed on to his shoulders, balancing both feet on either side of Remus's neck before cartwheeling into the water. 'Git!' he laughed and raised his hands in front of his face, as Sirius splashed him. 'Wait till I get you!' He dove underwater, grabbing Sirius by both his ankles and pulling him down. He laughed as Sirius yelled and scrabbled to move above surface. That laughter died down, however, when Sirius held on to Remus's waist even after he'd surfaced. 'What-' His eyebrows shot up as Sirius's hands moved to his chest, purposefully brushing the nipples on either side.

If anyone were to ask Sirius what he was doing, he wouldn't be able to tell you. He was touching Remus because he wanted to; because he had wanted to for so long that he couldn't even remember when it had started. Because looking at Remus now, his body glistening in the sunlight and his hair plastered to his face, Sirius  _wanted_ him. Sirius hooked a leg around the back of Remus's knees, using it as leverage to fall backwards while pulling Remus down with him. Their chests collided against each other as the water hit them and as soon as both their heads were submerged, Sirius wasted no time. He pulled Remus by the back of his neck and kissed him. When Remus's mouth opened in shock, Sirius pushed his tongue inside, not caring as the water seeped in between their warring tongues. He held both of Remus's wrists steady between their chests, using it as leverage to keep them under and pull Remus closer so that their groins brushed together repeatedly to the rhythm of the rippling water. His senses were on fire as their lips slid against each other, pockets of breath slipping in between their mouths. When finally, Sirius found that he could no longer hold underwater, he surfaced, pulling Remus up with him.

'What was that?' Remus asked, wide eyed and breathless. Sirius could not help but stare at the sheen of water collecting on top of his cupid's bow. 'What the fuck was that?'

'All right, mate?' James called out from where he was doing laps on the other side of the lake. 'You were down awfully long!'

Sirius raised a hand up to show that they were fine. 'It was a kiss,' he replied smugly.

Remus laughed and shook his wet hair out of his eyes. 'You are such a wanker. If you were curious, you could have just asked. No need to water rape me like that.'

Sirius quirked an eyebrow. 'I wasn't curious.' He licked his lips as he watched water trail down the planes of Remus's stomach. 'I  _wanted_ to kiss you.' Underneath the water, away from watchful eyes, Sirius ran a hand down Remus's stomach, to the wiry curls just above his trunks. 'What if I ask to fuck you?' His thumb strayed under the waistband of Remus's shorts, rubbing seductive circles over the skin. A little farther and he could close his hand around Remus's cock. 'Would you say yes?'

'I would say, go fuck yourself,' Remus snarled, pushing Sirius's hand away roughly.

Wounded pride gave rise to anger. 'So you're fine with Frank, but not me?'

Remus looked at him with such unconcealed disgust that it shocked Sirius. Was the prospect of being with him so unsavoury to the other boy? 'Do I look like some rich boy sex toy? Every time one of your stuck up little cunts won't spread their legs for you, you come seeking me out? Just because I'm fucking Frank doesn't mean I'm easy, and it certainly doesn't mean I'll fuck a pompous git like you!'

'Why are you bothering with fidelity?' Sirius asked angrily, jealousy rearing its ugly head through cruel words. 'Frank certainly hasn't. Do you think he's going to choose you over Alice? That suddenly he's going to realise that he would rather be a faggot with you and leave her? Let me clear your misconception; he  _isn't_.' He leaned in so that they were face to face, as he poked Remus's chest with his finger. 'So save yourself the trouble and  _stop_  while you're ahead.'

Remus's lower lip trembled. 'Fuck you, Black,' he cursed through gritted teeth before swimming to the shore.

* * *

**1.18: Treat You Well**

'Damn, you clean up well, Lupin,' Frank whispered against Remus's lips before pulling him into a frantic kiss. His hands hastily pulled out Remus's dress shirt from his trousers, before grappling for the flesh underneath.

'I'm glad you approve,' Remus moaned as blunt teeth bit into his neck.

'Approve?' Frank laughed. 'All I could think about till I dragged you in here was how I'd like to shag you on the table,' He cupped Remus's arse, 'right in front of all those people.'

'Best not,' Remus advised, unbuckling Frank's belt and letting it drop to the ground. 'I'm wearing James's suit.' He dropped to his knees with a grin and from then on, it was all a blur.

Remus knew he was taking a massive risk being with Frank like this, in the Potter's coat closet no less. The Potters were hosting a massive dinner in their house to celebrate their twenty second anniversary, and had invited all the old families in London. Remus had been surprised the Queen herself wasn't there. He had felt massively out of place in James's borrowed suit that was far too tight for him, but the Potters had insisted he be there. They had tried to include him in all the planning and festivities, even asking him to cut the cake with him and sit at the front of the table. It had left him feeling more uncomfortable than when he'd first entered the house. Remus had struggled with the cutlery; stammered through the awkward questions about who he was; and had got caught trying to drown himself in a glass of scotch. The only relief was Frank, who had pulled him into this closet and whose muffled moans were quickly speeding up as Remus brought him to completion.

'Fuck me,' Frank gasped, resting his head against the wall of the closet. His eyes were glazed over as he watched Remus stand up and wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. 'You go on ahead first. I'm going to need some time.' His hands reached out to sluggishly smooth the wrinkles on Remus's shirt and help tuck it in. 'Thank you,' he leaned in to kiss Remus's forehead, flattening tawny brown hair to a more respectable state. 'I really needed that.'

As soon as Remus stepped out of the closet, he was met by a pair of furious grey eyes. A hand closed around his forearm and pulled him forcefully aside. 'What do you think you're doing?' Sirius demanded, bearing down on Remus. His face was twisted in anger, fingers digging into Remus's shoulders hard enough to leave bruises. 'What the fuck do you think you're doing? Have you completely lost your mind?' He looked behind him to check if anyone was listening in. 'I told you to leave Frank.'

Remus struggled to shrug him off, but Sirius's grip was steadfast. There was no way for him to get out without drawing attention. 'It's none of your bloody business!' He spat. 'Let go of me!'

'I'm going to tell Alice,' Sirius stated, effectively stopping Remus's struggles. 'I'm going to tell her everything. She's right here at this party; it will only take a few minutes for me to tell her the truth and then it's over.'

'Are you blackmailing me?' Remus asked incredulously. 'Are you fucking blackmailing me, Black?'

'I am trying to help you!' Sirius growled. 'He is using you, can't you see? Frank is just using you like a cheap substitute!'

It hurt. It shouldn't have, but having Sirius say it hurt. It made him feel dirty and worthless. 'As if you would treat me any different,' Remus spat, fighting to move away.

'I would treat you like a friend!' Sirius declared, louder than he ought to. Luckily, the hallway was empty, with most of the guests busy at the bar. 'I would treat you like a lover!'

Remus was stunned into silence. He stared up at Sirius, for the first time, seeing how passionate the boy's grey eyes were. His mouth was set in a hard line, unwilling to compromise, forcing Remus to listen to him. If Remus were to be honest, he didn't have an answer for Sirius. He did not know how he felt; neither about Frank nor Sirius. He didn't even know what he was doing. But Sirius's hold was unrelenting as he waited for Remus to speak. 'Sirius, I-'

'SIRIUS BLACK!'

Remus was saved from having to answer by a woman marching towards them. One look at her obsidian hair, her elevated cheekbones, and her livid grey eyes were enough for Remus to recognise her as Sirius's mother. She would have been beautiful, Remus reckoned, if her face wasn't so twisted with hatred as she drew closer to Sirius. Her sleek black dress stretched with every long stride; threatening to rip at the seams.

'Sirius, you insolent little child, I have told you not to leave my sight tonight!' She spat, grabbing Sirius by the back of his collar and pulling him away from Remus violently. She either did not notice Remus at all or chose to ignore him. 'I've told you before leaving the house that you are to respectfully represent the family today, yet I find you here consorting with dirty little street rats!' Sirius did not say a word as she dug her nails into his arm and pulled so hard that Remus was sure he heard a loud crack. If it hurt, Sirius's face did not show it. 'You dirty little bastard, if I could get you to do a single thing I tell you, perhaps I would not curse myself for ever giving birth to you. Why are you dragging your feet, boy! Walk faster!'

Remus had had enough the minute she raised her hand against Sirius. He had seen many of the bruises Sirius bore, patched even more; yet it was different all together to see her hurt him. The way she spoke to him was appalling enough, but probably what irked Remus the most was how Sirius kept quiet and submissive. The boy who was always pitching fights with Remus wouldn't even look up as her hand descended to the side of his head. Deciding he would not stand for it, he grabbed her hand by the wrist just before it could make contact. 'Stop it!' Remus warned, twisting her wrist away from Sirius. 'You're hurting him!'

'Do not interfere in what doesn't concern you!' Mrs. Black shrieked and Remus felt before he saw her other arm hit him in the stomach.

It wouldn't have hurt; she was not that strong. But the shock of being hit, coupled with momentum, sent him falling backwards into the wall behind him. The back of his head hit the wall hard, sending a shock of pain coursing down the back of his spine. He could see Sirius running towards him, screaming his name but it sounded far away, so, so far away. He tried to focus on Sirius, but felt his eyes roll to the back of his head. He knew what was coming next only too well; yet he didn't have the control or strength to prepare himself against it. He could not even call out for help, when the jolt of electricity hit. He could not scream, or move, or cry; the pain was simply excruciating. So much so that he welcomed the darkness when it came.

_'You crazy bitch, what have you done!'_

When Remus was finally able to open his eyes, he found Sirius's hand in his mouth and the metallic taste of blood on his tongue. There were too many people crowding around him and the buzz of their chatter made his head pound painfully. He felt tired; so, so tired. His whole body ached for sleep. Remus was grateful when Sirius lifted his head to cradle it against his shoulder. Warm arms kept his body from slipping away as Remus's eyes closed and he gave into sleep.

The next time Remus woke up, he found himself on a bed with a warm body sleeping close to his. It took time for his eyes to adjust to the darkness and to be able to see with only the light from the full moon coming through the windows. As he took in his surroundings, he realised that someone had taken the effort to also change him out of his clothes and he was now lying in nothing but his socks and underwear. A cold chill crept up his naked skin, making the figure next to him stir from slumber.

'Hey.' Concerned grey eyes peered down at him and a gently hand rested against his forehead. 'You're awake. Dorea just went to bed, but if you're feeling poorly, I could give her a call.' Remus shook his head. 'Would you like some water?' Sirius asked and as if reading Remus's mind, he pushed a glass of cool, blissful water against Remus's lips.

Remus drank greedily, his parched throat seeking relief. When Sirius made to take away the glass, Remus noticed the swath of white bandages on his right hand. 'Your-' Remus licked his chapped lips as his voice tried to adjust to his sudden need to speak. 'Your hand. Did I?'

Sirius shook his head. 'I let you bite it. Better my hand than your tongue. Don't worry; I haven't concocted rabies,' he smiled in assurance. 'Are you sure you're feeling all right?'

Remus nodded weakly. 'You-you're all right? Your mother?'

Sirius shrugged though his face darkened noticeably. 'She was angry that I chose not come home tonight, but I don't think she can do anything to me that she hasn't done already.' When Remus's hand sought his, he laughed. 'Don't worry. I'll be fine. Thank you for standing up for me today. No one has ever…' He shook his head. 'Doesn't matter. Are you cold?'

Remus nodded. He wanted to point out that he hadn't any clothes on so it was only reasonable that he would feel cold. But his mouth seemed unable to form coherent sentences and though he knew what he wanted, the right words didn't seem to come to mind. It was as if there was a gap between his brain and his muscles that was too wide to breach. Luckily, Sirius seemed to understand him just the same. He pulled the blankets over them, tucking them under Remus's chin before pulling Remus closer to the warmth of his body. An arm lay over Remus's chest, fingers in his hair as they massaged his scalp in slow, soothing movements.

'Go to sleep,' Sirius murmured, placing a chaste kiss on Remus's lips. 'I'm here.'

And Remus felt at peace.

* * *

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)

 

**Part 1: How We Began**

**1.19: Padfoot Barked**

The doorbell rang.

Remus frowned wondering who it could be. Frank had not called or made any mention of coming over, and no one else really knew where he lived. His eyes darted towards the window as he pondered the possibility of a thief or one of the neighbourhood boys playing tricks on him. Remus did not live in the most prime of locations; and getting mugged on the streets was a common occurrence. Though he had never been harmed. Remus was one of them not too long ago after all; there wasn't a trick in the book he didn't know and he wasn't a bad fighter either.

The doorbell rang again.

Thieves did not ring twice. Groaning at the effort it took to get off the couch on a weekend, Remus reached for the pair of work jeans he had discarded on the floor last night. They hung low on his hips, exposing his jutting hip bones over navy boxers. He didn't bother buttoning them up, reckoning he would have to take them off again soon anyway. 'Coming!' Remus called, as the doorbell rang once more. 'Don't get your knickers in a twist! I'm-' He swung open the door only to find the words die in his mouth.

There was a black dog, the size of a baby bear at his doorstep. Upon seeing him, the dog barked happily, its tail wagging out of control. Remus noticed that beneath all the shaggy black fur, someone had made the effort of tying a bright red ribbon on his collar. Remus bent down hesitantly, holding both hands out so that the dog could sniff him. It had other ideas, however, and took Remus's cautious friendliness as a cue to stick his snout intrusively into Remus's hindquarters. It ignored Remus's surprised yelp, making sure to catch a large whiff of both Remus's back and front (Remus wished he had taken a shower; he did not want to be judged by a dog). Finally, deeming him appropriate, the dog let out a yip and bounded into Remus's flat uninvited.

Remus blinked, looking back at his flat where the dog had made itself comfortable on his sofa.

'Surprise!'

For the second time that day, Remus found his eyes widening in shock as James and Sirius popped up from behind the staircase bannisters doing jazz hands. 'What in the name?' Remus exclaimed as both of them laughed, bumping into each other playfully as they fought to stand in front of Remus.

'Well, what do you think?' James asked expectantly. 'It was Sirius's idea but we both pitched in for it as an early, early, early Christmas present.'

Remus looked back into his apartment where the dog was now chewing on the arm rests of his sofa. 'I'm not sure what to say.' It was a good sofa; a really, really good sofa. It was one of the first things Remus had splurged on after his bed. Yet, he could not deny that the dog was rather adorable. When it caught Remus looking at it, it broke into a large doggy grin that made its unusually grey eyes twinkle. Remus was already partially won over by the bundle of fluff. 'Thank you, I think.' He smiled tentatively.

'He's trained to respond to seizure patients.' When Remus's eyes widened in surprise, Sirius explained with a grin. 'Dogs can naturally detect when humans are going to have seizures, moments before they actually have it. He won't help you heal; you still need to continue your medication for that. But unlike the last two times, you'll at least be able to move to a place where you're less likely to injure yourself.' He touched Remus's bare elbow, where the latest bruising was, and rubbed gently with his thumb. 'He can also unlock basic doors like yours, if he needs to call for help. It's not much, but we thought it would help.'

To say Remus was touched would not be enough. 'I-' he struggled to find the words to thank them. 'Thank you. I don't know what else to say. I-' Feeling slightly more emotional than he ought to, he pulled both of them into a hug; James first, then Sirius. He did not complain when Sirius held on to him for longer than appropriate, indiscreetly running his fingers down Remus's bare back. 'What's his name?' Remus asked, as he invited them in and closed the door behind them.

James immediately made himself comfortable, flopping down next to the dog on the sofa. 'The trainers called him Snuffles, but he really doesn't respond to the name. See? Snuffles, come boy!' James patted his lap as an invitation for the dog to sit, but it ignored him completely. Instead it looked at Remus with an almost bored expression, huffed, and let his head rest back on to the arm of the sofa. 'I think he finds the name a bit insulting,' James theorised. 'He is a boy dog after all. Maybe you should give him a more butch name, like Mitch or Bob or…'

'Your fly's undone,' Sirius pointed out, ignoring James's rant about dog names.

Remus blushed. 'Oh right, sorry. I didn't think anyone important was at the door so I-what are you doing?' he whispered, as Sirius took a hold of Remus's jeans on either side, his fingers slipping past Remus's boxers purposefully. 'James is right here!'

'Your back's turned to him,' Sirius smirked, pulling Remus's jeans upwards and making Remus gasp, before buttoning them. 'He's too daft to notice these things anyway.' Remus bit back a moan when Sirius slipped his fingers past the opening of his fly and into the front of his boxers. 'Have you talked to Frank yet?' He pulled the zip close and moved away when Remus shook his head, leaving Remus feeling breathless and overwhelmed. Sirius's face turned hard and unforgiving. 'I'm not faffing about, Remus. I want you.'

It wasn't as if Remus didn't know. The tension between them had been palpable these past few weeks, as Remus mulled over his thoughts and his feelings over and over. He could not deny the attraction any less than he could deny that his heart beat faster every time Sirius touched him, or that his blood zinged when Sirius's grey eyes looked at him so intensely. But it felt like playing with fire; Sirius was hot, rash - cruel just pure mad energy - and Remus didn't want to get burned. Sirius was also kind, caring, and fiercely loyal.

Remus looked away, focusing his eyes on the dog to avoid having to look at Sirius.

He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know what he wanted from Frank. He didn't know what he wanted from Sirius. He didn't know  _who_ he wanted.

'Padfoot,' Remus changed the topic to avoid having to look for answers now. 'Let's call him Padfoot.' As if in response, the dog's ears picked up and he tilted his head towards Remus in curiosity. 'Do you like that, chap?' He asked, kneeling and beckoning the dog towards him. 'Come here, Padfoot; come on.' Immediately, the dog jumped off the sofa, sending James falling backwards as he bounded over to Remus. Remus only had enough time to scream before he got bowled over by a mass of black fur and wet doggy kisses.

'Guess he likes it,' James laughed, as he got up and dusted himself off. 'Here I was trying to think of butch names, when he just wanted something flouncier than Snuffles, eh Sirius?'

'Yeah,' Sirius replied, smiling weakly and kneeling down beside Remus. 'Padfoot is a good name, though.' He held out his hand for a handshake, running his thumb over its paws when it complied. The expression on his face was sad, almost wistful, and Remus unexpectedly felt very guilty over his indecision. 'Good boy, you're- fuck!' Sirius screamed suddenly, holding on to his side as he rolled on to his stomach and scrunched his whole body into a tight ball. Padfoot, who had been attempting to jump playfully on to Sirius's lap, whined and shied away in fear. 'Fuck!' Sirius yelled again, tears of pain leaking through his tightly closed eyes.

'Sirius, what's wrong?' Remus kneeled closer to Sirius, concern and panic brimming in his chest. James had run over, as well, pushing Padfoot out of the way. 'Sirius, are you-'

'Don't touch me!' Sirius cried, when Remus made to help him. 'Don't fucking touch me, either of you!'

'Sirius,' James tried, but his hand only got smacked away by Sirius's own trembling ones.

'I'm fine,' Sirius mumbled into the floor, sweat collecting at his brow. 'I'm fine. Just give me a minute.' He panted, unable to form any words beyond grunts of pain. 'I'm fine.'

Remus was not convinced.

* * *

**1.20: Choices Made**

'Remus, do you have some time to spare? It's important.'

Remus looked at Edgar to his right. 'Go on,' Edgar consented, without looking up. He patted Remus on the back with one hand while the other still worked the wrench. 'But don't take too long; this engine isn't going to replace itself.'

Remus nodded, wiping his hands on his trousers before leading Frank behind the garage, into a deep alleyway where he knew they wouldn't be interrupted. 'All right?' he asked, leaning back against the wall and surveying Frank's flushed face and sweaty palms. 'You look a bit flustered. If you want, I can drop by your place later for a quick-'

'I asked Alice to marry me,' Frank said quickly.

Remus felt like he had been slapped in the face. Frank was watching him with wide eyes, his breaths coming out loud and sharp in the silence that befell them. 'Oh.' Remus didn't know what he was expecting; it wasn't as if he didn't know this was going to happen eventually. He wasn't particularly upset by it, but it hurt just a little. 'Then,' he forced a smile as he pulled Frank into a hug. 'Congratulations!' He patted the other boy on the back, willing the lump in his throat to go away. 'You were well overdue anyway. It's been an entire month since you finished school; you should have asked her ages before this.'

He made to pull away, but Frank held him firm in the embrace by locking his arms behind Remus's back. 'Remus, I-' his voice wobbled. 'Maybe even after I get married, we could…'

'No,' Remus replied firmly, prying Frank's arms away. 'No, Frank. You  _love_  her. It's not right.'

'This isn't right, either!' Frank cried desperately, waving at the space between them. 'None of this was ever right!'

'No,' Remus admitted, looking away. Sirius's warnings hit him again and again, and he felt stupid for not considering them more seriously. What was he expecting exactly from this and why did it hurt so much when Remus knew that he didn't love Frank. Not like he loved- 'No, you're right. This was never right, Frank, but we went along with it anyway. But this needs to stop for you to move on to your new life and be happy.'

'There's always space in my life for you,' Frank argued, though Remus could see him caving in. 'You know that.'

'Then I will occupy it as a  _friend,_ ' Remus smiled, squeezing Frank's shoulder before letting go.

Frank nodded, looking down at his shoes. 'You really were-are a good friend, Remus.' He reached out to tuck Remus's wayward curls behind his ear. 'A really good friend,' he whispered more to himself than anyone else. 'I'm really going to miss you.' He stroked Remus's cheek before cupping it and leaning in for a kiss. The disappointment in his eyes was obvious when Remus turned his face so that the kiss landed on his jaw. 'Right,' he laughed humourlessly. 'Right, of course; we can't do that now. Sorry.'

Remus shrugged. 'It's okay. You best be off.'

Frank looked like he didn't want to leave, but Remus's tone was final. There were no more words exchanged in between them, as Frank turned away. Remus did not have any regrets with his decision; he knew he had finally made the right choice. Once Frank's footsteps had faded away, he took out a packet of cigarettes from his jacket pocket. Remus wasn't a smoker; not really. He only kept them on him for Sirius who needed one every time he came to Remus with a new injury. Remus had half a mind to report them to Mrs. Potter; they were getting more and more severe every day. Most often than not, they were well past Remus's basic first aid skills.

It took him two more cigarettes for his hands to finally stop trembling and for Remus to go back into the workshop. 'Sorry, Edgar. I'll make up for it with overtime,' he called out, hanging his jacket back on the hook. He noticed that the car they had been working on had already been moved aside. 'What do you want me to do next?'

'Don't bother,' Edgar jogged up to him with a scowl. 'You have a call from Master Black. It appears urgent.'

* * *

**1.21: Homeless & Heartless**

Sirius slid against the door to his bedroom. Tears of helplessness and desolation sprung to his eyes, and he buried his face into his knees, wondering what he was going to do now. He always knew this day would come, but had somehow hoped that somewhere in between, things would change. She could have killed him today.

He carefully touched the open cut on his cheek; his fingers coming away bloody. If Father hadn't entered at that very moment, Sirius was sure she would have killed him today. Thus far, she had beat him bloody many, many times; always avoiding the face and the arms – places people could see. She had never raised anything sharper than her claw like fingernails against him, but he had somehow managed to drive her over the edge today. He couldn't even remember what the argument had been about; something trivial no doubt. He did remember her throwing a vase at him and then sitting on his chest as she tried to stab him with one of the broken pieces. She was not a large woman, but Sirius's ribs hadn't healed from the last time; so the most he could do was struggle like a helpless fish out of water. Today, things had gotten farther than Sirius had ever anticipated. He had always thought he had everything under control with his Mother; that despite all she did, things were  _fine._ If he just let her hit him a little bit, she would feel a little less miserable about herself. That her illness would eventually just  _go away._

He could hear his parents screaming at each other, no doubt over him, and he covered his ears with both his hands. Father would hit her; he always did when she went out of control like this and did not agree to what he said. Sirius wondered if it was because Father loved him or because he could not stand being disobeyed. He wondered if  _anyone_  in this house loved him.

He startled when a loud crash resonated across his room, followed by his Mother's high pitched scream of expletives.

Enough _._  Sirius had had  _enough._

He could not stay here anymore.

When Father was gone again, she would come for him. Sirius knew; he had seen the madness and hatred in her eyes and it would only intensify after this. He knew she saw Father in him; he couldn't blame her because Sirius was not only the spitting image of his father but also disregarded her the same way. Sirius also knew that after the fight with her husband today, she would be even more vexed. What she could not do to Father, she would do to Sirius. She would stare at Sirius's bruise and battered flesh, as she always did, with a sense of accomplishment, laughing maniacally as she told him, ' _I've won, Orion. This time, **I've**  won!'_

'Fuck,' Sirius cursed, fear gripping his heart. He did not want to die here. Sirius did not even know how safe he would be in his own room; she had all the keys for the house. Was she sane enough to premeditate his demise; Sirius did not think so. He didn't even think she wanted to kill him, but hurting him was her only outlet and this time she was out for  _blood_. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck.'

He pushed himself off the ground and limped all the way to his study desk. His leg hurt something vicious, where the heel of his mother's expensive shoe had dug and twisted into his calf. He was sure it was bleeding, judging by the suspicious trickling sensation beneath the leg of his trousers. He ignored it and started to push the great oak desk, wincing when its legs scraped against the floor shrilly. He stopped momentarily, only to be sure that his parents had not heard. He needn't have worried; he doubted they could hear anything beyond their own quarrel. He kept going until the desk was pressed flush against the door and its weight ensured that Sirius was safe, at least for the day. To be sure, he gripped the door handle and pulled, only satisfied when the door barely shifted. He then rushed to the telephone near his bedside table, his finger's quickly dialling the familiar numbers of James's house before stopping midway.

If he called the Potters now, this would not just be about taking Sirius out. Dorea would make a fuss, report Walburga, and maybe even publish unnecessary things in the paper. She would not care if she was besmirching the Black name and it was likely that her actions would only make Mother's condition worse.

He cancelled the call. Then started dialling again, to the only other person he knew who could help him.

'Hello. Nimbus Garage.'

'Is Remus in?' Sirius asked shakily, still unsure if he'd made the right decision. He assured himself he did; Remus had kept quiet about Sirius's injuries so far. He had already proven himself more than trustworthy; he would not betray Sirius.

'He's stepped out for the moment. You could call back in half an hour and probably get through.'

Sirius looked back at his bedroom door. His leg throbbed painfully, reminding him that half an hour may as well be all the time he had left before Father left for work and he was alone again with Mother. 'Can you fetch him, please? Tell him this is Sirius and it's urgent.'

There was an exasperated sigh at the other end of the line. 'All right, give me a minute.'

After what felt like hours of Sirius waiting at the end of the line, Remus's familiar voice spoke through the phone. 'Sirius?'

'Remus, I-' Sirius swallowed, suddenly finding himself unable to ask for help. His pride fought against him despite his better judgment, reminding himself that he was a Black and he did not need help, least of all from a slum dweller like Remus. For a split second, he considered cutting off the phone, but Remus shattered that thought by a single, simple question.

'Sirius, are you all right?'

Sirius blinked, feeling his eyes well up from a question so simple. 'No,' he replied, his voice cracking.

There was a sharp intake of breath. 'Ten minutes,' Remus growled and Sirius could hear rustling on the other end. 'Ten minutes, I'm coming.' Sirius hummed, feeling his throat constrict too tightly for him to speak. 'Sirius?'

'Yes?'

There was a quiet pause from Remus, before he said in a reassuring tone, 'Don't be afraid.'

Sirius felt relief wash over him, his knees giving away underneath him as he crumpled to the floor. Despite it all, he wanted to tell Remus to shut up; to not underestimate him or think of him as so much of a coward. But he found himself too overwhelmed with gratitude and he clutched the receiver to his ear, listening to the silence between them only punctuated by Remus's soft breathing. It was the most reassuring sound he had ever heard and he was almost disappointed when the line was cut off, replaced by the dial tone.

Hope flared in his chest and Sirius nearly ran to his dresser, sliding open the hidden panel in the first drawer. He turned the drawer over, emptying out all its contents: his passport, his bank card, and around two thousand pounds worth in cash. He stuffed them into his school satchel, along with a few essential clothing items from his cupboard before slinging it over his shoulders. He straightened his clothing, turning towards his mirror to fix his hair, when he found himself stilled at the sorry state of his reflection staring back at him.

Perhaps 'sorry state' wouldn't be the right words to describe Sirius at that very moment. Nightmare would be more fitting. There were massive bruises on Sirius's left eye and the corner of his lip; four deep cuts across his cheek, temple, neck (too close to the jugular), and shoulder (where it had cut through his shirt completely). His hair was damp with sweat and sticking in every wayward direction, and his grey eyes looked haunted and frightened.

He looked away. Instead, he sat down on his bed and stared at his bedroom door, every single muscle in his body tense in anticipation. Every tick of the clock on his wall shot his nerves. His parents were still rowing; he could hear the crashing and the hollering but he tuned it out as he always did. It was nothing but background noise for him as he waited nervously for what felt like years, his whole body trembling. Despite his alertness, he was still startled when Remus's voice rang out from the other side of his bedroom door and he realised that part of the noise he had been ignoring had been his mother and the other boy quarrelling.

'Sirius, open this goddamn door before I wring this bitch's neck!'

Sirius rushed to the door, pushing his desk away just enough for him to slip through. 'Don't hurt her!' he warned, nearly knocking into Remus's tall frame as he hastened to protect his mother. His eyes quickly assessed the situation: Mother stood at the top of the stairs not far from them, a look of pure fury on her face as she glared fiercely at Remus. She was unhurt, except for the bruising on the side of her neck which bore Father's wide fingerprints. Remus, on the other hand, was too busy looking at Sirius, his amber eyes taking a fiery quality to them and his hold on both of Sirius's arms tightening by the minute.

It always shocked Sirius how attuned Remus was to him. Without a word, Remus slung Sirius's right arm over his shoulder, supporting the bulk of his weight against him to protect Sirius's injured leg.

'Where are you going with my son?' Walburga screeched, following behind them as Remus shouldered past her down the winding staircases. 'Answer me when I am talking to you! Do not assume that a filthy street rat like you is above a member of the Black family, do you understand!'

Sirius saw Remus's shoulders tighten and he felt a sudden sense of shame when he realised he had had similar thoughts about the boy only minutes back. _Never again_ , he promised himself as he leaned farther onto Remus as reassurance. 'Ignore her,' he whispered as they came down the last few staircases. 'Ignore her. She doesn't know what she's saying. She's ill.'

'Is it men now, you disgusting bastard?' She continued to scream. Sirius knew that disregarding and ignoring her like this was causing her to lapse again, but he had already gotten angry at her once and it had nearly cost him his life. He wondered where Father was; if he had left already or had simple chosen to read in the study until things ended on their own. 'Were those whores not enough for you? You've decided to resort to sodomy and taint the name of my grandfathers? Anything will do, won't it? As long as they spread their legs wide enough!'

They were only a few steps away from the front door when Sirius felt trepidation fill his chest. Suddenly he did not want to leave. He  _couldn't._ He had a duty to this family; to Mother. What would happen to her if he left? What if she turned to Regulus instead? His feet dragged against the floor and as if sensing Sirius's hesitance, Remus picked up speed.

'You disgusting blood traitor! I hope you die so deep in the gutter that nothing but maggots keep you company! I hope you-'

In his panic, Sirius hadn't even realised that Mother had come close enough to raise her hand against him until he found Remus towering over her, his hands clutching her wrists tightly. His teeth were clenched in supressed anger and a vein was throbbing at his temple.

'If you  _ever_  think of touching him again,' Remus growled in warning, his amber eyes aflame and his teeth bared. 'I'll show you how they  _really_ batter people on the streets.' He let her wrists go roughly, making her reel back in silent shock. 'Let's get out of this hell hole,' he snapped, pulling Sirius along. His tone bode no arguments and Sirius quietly followed, knowing that this was the end. He was really leaving.

From here onwards, there was no looking back.

* * *

**1.22: Ride towards Happiness**

'Are you safe?'

Sirius's hand tightened over the phone. 'Yes, Father.'

'Have you gone to the hospital?'

'Yes, Father. I told them I was mugged.'  _You precious reputation will be safe_ , Sirius wanted to say but kept quiet. He was a Black, after all, and runaway or not, he was expected to uphold the family honour. It wouldn't do to have word get out that they were anything less than distinguished and perfect. 'I've requested the Potters to not say more. They promised they will not meddle.'

'Good. I'm proud of you.'

There were days when Sirius craved to hear those words from his aloof father, but today was not one of them.

'Sirius.' There was a sigh at the end of the line, as if Orion Black were dealing with a particularly nasty headache. 'It's best you not return. Your mother; she's not in the best of health right now.'

 _Yet you chose her over me. In the end, you chose your pride and name over your own son._ 'Yes, Father.'

'I'll transfer living expenses into your account. Should you have the need for more, you can leave a message with the secretary.'

 _You don't want me to try and contact the family anymore. You're buying my silence with money._ Sirius's throat felt tight as he spoke on the phone, 'Yes, Father.'

'Sirius.'

Tears pooled in his eyes and he sniffed wetly. 'Yes, Father.'

Another sigh. 'Goodbye.'

Sirius felt he could not say anymore without his voice breaking, so he kept quiet. He waited for his father to say something more, but all he heard was silence from the other end and then finally the tone signalling that the line had been cut off. Sirius put the receiver down before breaking down into large heaving sobs. He stuffed his fist into his mouth to keep the Potters from hearing him, but couldn't control the tears that fell or the tightness in his chest. This was what his life as a Black had come down to; a single call just to let him know that he had been estranged from the family. There had been no apologies; no pleas to come back; no concern of whether he was alive or not. Perhaps it had been his fault; he had never really listened to Mother nor had he accepted the puritan teachings of his family. Perhaps he had been a bad son. In the end, Sirius had meant nothing to anyone.

There was a tapping in the window and Sirius was so shocked by the unexpectedness of it that he jumped and hit his back against the foyer table. 'Remus!' Sirius cried in surprise as a familiar head popped up at the window and knocked on the glass again. Remus pointed towards the lock, miming that he was unable to open it to come through. Sirius rushed to let him in, wondering why Remus didn't just enter through the door; it wasn't as if he wasn't allowed in the house.

'Sorry,' Remus apologised, climbing in. 'I know Mrs. Potter said to grant you some privacy and I honestly tried for about five seconds before I lost my propriety to my will. I was only going to spy on you and then you started crying, and I couldn't take it anymore.' He reached out to wipe Sirius's cheeks gently with his thumb. Sirius hadn't even realised the state he was in, and blushed over his display of vulnerability. 'Did your father say anything?'

Sirius thought about spilling everything; about the standoffish manner his father had spoken and how his father had implied that he was no longer welcome in the family. How his father had only checked up on whether he was alive or not to make sure his death would not besmirch the family name. He thought about telling Remus everything, because of all the people he knew, Remus was the only one who would listen without expressing outrage or making a huge fuss about it.

He didn't even realise he had started crying again, until Remus pulled him into a hug. 'Hey, it's okay,' Remus whispered into his ears and that was enough to open the dam. Sirius was not sure how long he wept, as Remus stroked his back soothingly and whispered sweet assurances into his hair. He felt like a child, wailing and murmuring Remus's name again and again as if hoping that Remus would take away that pain that settled so deep in his heart he couldn't breathe. They were nearly the same height, but he felt impossible small in Remus's embrace. Small, but not insignificant because Remus made him feel like he mattered; that  _someone_ cared. When Sirius finally pulled away, he was too embarrassed to look Remus in the eyes. He had left large tear stains all over Remus's t-shirt and still had his arms wrapped around Remus's waist in a needy embrace.

'All right?' Remus asked, stroking Sirius's hair and tucking it behind his ears.

Sirius nodded, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. 'Don't- don't tell James,' he pleaded, cheeks burning in shame and mortification.

'I won't,' Remus promised, holding both of Sirius's hands in his. 'Come, I have something that will cheer you up.' He pulled Sirius to the window. 'I've been building it as a thank you present, for Padfoot I mean. I didn't know what else you would like and there are still a few modifications to make, and the whole thing probably could be lighter, but…' Remus grinned. 'I'll stop rambling now.' He watched with a growing smile as Sirius went from surprised to awe to ecstatic, as his eyes feasted on exactly what Remus was babbling about. 'Well, do you like it?' When Sirius turned wide, disbelieving eyes towards him, Remus laughed. 'It's made of old parts, so it probably won't go as fast as the ones in the Motocross. Could you not tell Mr. Potter though? It's not like I've been stealing or anything!' He hastily defended, though Sirius was too busy admiring his work to accuse him. 'They're throw aways. But I don't really know what he would say and I-'

'Remus, shut up,' Sirius advised, wiping away the drool that slipped down the corner of his mouth.

She really was beautiful; not dissimilar to the ones on television. She was slim, the tire in the front slimmer than the back and looking every bit lethal. The front arched inwards at approximately the right height, just enough for the rider to lean inwards and streamline the whole experience. Remus had left most of the body exposed, so that Sirius could see every single rust laden detail that had gone into making the machine and the lifelines that connected together into a lethal looking engine. He wondered how Remus had gotten it all the way to the window without being noticed; it was eye-catchingly  _magnificent._

'Nine thousand rpm, two strokes, compression braking; it'll give you good control when you're decelerating.' Remus went on, spouting jargon that Sirius only understood because of his manic love for bikes and the newly established Motocross races. 'I've given it a test run, so I know it's  _moderately_ safe.' Remus smirked and raised an eyebrow. 'What do you say? You want to test your luck and see if you die before you fall?'

At that very moment, something burst in Sirius's chest and before he knew it, he had grabbed Remus's face with both his hands and pressed their lips together. 'Sorry,' Sirius breathed, once they'd parted.

'Don't be,' Remus beamed, before pulling Sirius in for another kiss. This time, he didn't let Sirius pull away, plundering Sirius's mouth with his tongue while tangling his fingers into Sirius's hair to pull him closer. Sharp, short bursts of air spilled through their noses, as Sirius pushed Remus against the windowsill and kissed him harder. Their teeth clicked and tongues touched, and Sirius was digging bruises into Remus's waist with his fingers. When their groins brushed together, Sirius was already half hard just from looking at the bike. With great effort, they finally pulled away.

'Frank?' Sirius asked, panting against Remus's mouth and unwilling to separate just yet.

Remus shook his head and that was enough reason for Sirius to kiss him again.

That day, with Remus cheering him on as he whipped around the compound on his new bike, was the day Sirius discovered true freedom. The sunlight was shining into their eyes, making them sparkle as they looked at each other with an emotion that was yet unnamed. The wind whipped in his hair and made the buttons of James's borrowed shirt fly off, but Sirius didn't care. He laughed and laughed, more than he had ever before. Neither did he care when he crashed unceremoniously into the dirt, and Remus did nothing but tease after checking to make sure he was all right.

And at night, after the Potters had finally fallen asleep, Remus climbed into Sirius's bed and let Sirius take him slowly, hesitantly, and with all the devotion in the world.

'Are you sure?' Sirius asked, as sweat dripped from his forehead. It took a world of restraint to keep himself from moving, but he needed to be sure. 'Remus, are you sure? This isn't…' He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the other boy's. 'I'm not Frank.'

'I don't want Frank,' Remus whispered, his fingers carding through Sirius's hair gently as he began to move his hips in a slow and steady rhythm. 'I want _you.'_

And for the first time in his life, Sirius felt truly  _happy._

* * *

 

 **End of Par** **t 1**

* * *

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)

 

**Part 2: How We Unravelled**

**2.1: Discretion is Advised**

'Did you see me?' Sirius cried, unable to control the skip in his step as he ran towards Remus in the pit. 'Remus, did you see me out there?' He laughed, letting his helmet fall to the ground and falling into Remus's open arms. 'I placed fourth! My first time on the track and I placed fourth!' He hugged Remus tightly, unable to keep his arms from squeezing the boy painfully tight from excitement. 'I placed fourth!'

Remus himself was giddy with excitement as he screamed over the crowd, 'I told you, you could do it! Aren't you glad I registered you now?'

Sirius pulled away just to look at his friend in adoration, his lips itching to kiss him. For months Remus had been pushing Sirius to register in the underground Moto, but Sirius had been reluctant to do so. Dirt biking was something he and Remus shared as a hobby (Remus in the creation and Sirius in the testing), and it was also something that Sirius did as an excuse to spend more time with Remus without seeming suspicious. Every time Remus had broached the subject, Sirius had buffed him off, until one day Remus had taken things into his own hands and registered Sirius himself. Even then, it had taken some mind blowing sex on Remus's part to finally convince (bribe) Sirius into participating.

'Do you want to celebrate at my place later?' Remus whispered softly into Sirius's ears, as if reading the boy's thoughts perfectly.

Sirius swallowed, nodding. He was just about to whisper back exactly how he intended to celebrate with Remus when he heard someone calling his name. He turned around to come face to face with a man of stocky build and messy brown hair. He was wearing a leather jacket over a white vest and ankle high combat boots that looked a little out of place on his frame. He pulled on a half-finished cigarette as he measured both Remus and Sirius with calculating blue eyes. Almost unconsciously, Sirius felt himself put more distance between the two of them.

'Could I talk to you for a moment?'

Sirius exchanged a hesitant glance with Remus before nodding and following the man to the back of the stands, where there were fewer people and thus an opportunity to actually hear one another without having to scream. He made sure to still keep within Remus's sight, just in case he had misjudged the situation. The underground track was not the safest of places, least of all for a "posh boy" like Sirius, as much as he loathed to admit it. In such situations, it was good to have an ally like Remus, who was raised on the streets, looking out for him.

'You were good out there, lad,' the man started as he stubbed his cigarette beneath his boot. 'There's a lot of potential in you and that gets me excited. I should introduce myself: Logan Cooper and my job is to get talent like you on the tracks.' He fished a jet black business card out of his jean pocket and passed it on to Sirius, who inspected it suspiciously. 'I know you're thinking why I've decided to scout you instead of the winners, but the truth is you are well above their calibre. In fact, the only reason you came fourth today was because you've got a shoddy bike.'

Sirius felt his face heat up. 'That bike is-'

'It's a good bike,' Cooper waved off Sirius dismissively. 'But you need more than scraps to make it to the real track. Your friend-'

'Remus stays,' it was Sirius's turn to interrupt this time. 'Wherever I go, he goes. He's the one that built this bike and he's the best mechanic out there. I won't race without him.'

Cooper snorted. 'I was never going to ask you to get rid of him. His timing is a big part of your win today;  _that_  and the fact that he has clearly made a functioning bike out of what looks like soda cans to me.' His blue eyes now looked right into Sirius's grey, making him uncomfortable. 'What I was going to suggest is that perhaps you and your  _friend_  learn to be a little more discrete.'

Sirius felt his breath catch, his eyes shifting towards where Remus was still standing in wait for him. As if sensing his gaze, amber eyes turned towards him questioningly, asking if everything was all right. Sirius nodded. 'Listen,' he started shakily. 'I don't know what you-'

'Don't play me for a fool, boy,' Cooper cut harshly. 'Any one can see exactly what the two of you are.' He didn't say it in a derogatory manner, but somehow his words made Sirius feel panicked. He looked towards Remus again. Were they really so obvious? All they had been doing was hugging and they had done so many times with no one else having suspected them before. 'Listen boy, what you do on your personal time is your business. However, you have a future in the Moto and I would hate to see it go to waste just because you didn't have the sense to keep your hands out of your  _boyfriend's_  pants.'

Sirius had never been ashamed of his and Remus's relationship. They had mutually decided to keep it a secret because they knew that there were few people who would understand it and many who would condemn them for it. The idea that the Potters may be one of the many had also crossed their minds, which was why they always kept their interaction friendly in front of the family. Yet now, with this man standing in front of him laying down the cold hard truth of exactly how Sirius's preferences could ruin a life he had only dreamed of, he felt true shame. Ashamed of the way he was and ashamed for knowing that despite everything, if Cooper had even made mention of leaving Remus, Sirius would have thrown the card in his face. But Cooper only wanted Sirius to be discrete; something Remus and Sirius had already near perfected. It was possible, wasn't it?

Sirius looked back at Remus again guiltily and then at the card in his hands.

'I'll let you dwell on where you want to go from here, Sirius.' Cooper's tone was kind for the first time since they started talking; almost as if he sympathised with Sirius. 'Call me when you feel ready.'

* * *

**2.2: Opportunity in Truth**

'Remus, we need to talk.'

Remus pulled out from under the car and looked up at Charlus. He wiped the sweat on his forehead with the back of his hand, smearing grease across his skin. Like every time Charlus saw him, he could not get over how very much like his mother the boy looked. The only thing he had inherited from Lyall were his expressive amber eyes and his sense of justice. Which was probably why Charlus had a hard time believing the current accusations against him. It was also why Charlus had decided to speak to Remus first, before deciding to take any action against him. His preference for Remus may seem unfair to the other employees, but Charlus saw the boy as his own son and it was hard to treat him any differently.

He waited until Remus had commanded his dog, Padfoot, to stay and then followed Charlus to his office, closing the door behind them to ensure privacy. Then he spoke, 'Remus, before we start, I want you to know that I trust you implicitly and that whatever you say, I will take it as the truth.' Charlus waited for Remus to nod before continuing with a deep sigh. 'Andrew told me he saw you taking used parts from the garage on more than one occasion. He said he didn't report it earlier because you were taking discarded parts anyway; things we were not going to reuse.' Charlus's face fell when he realised that Remus was no longer meeting his eyes, but looking at his shoes guiltily. Disappointment settled in his gut. 'Recently, he saw you sneaking in brand new parts into the garage and-'

'We bought those with our own money!' Remus cried out vehemently, his hands banging against the table as he stood up. 'I didn't steal those!'

'So you don't deny taking the old parts?' Charlus asked calmly, forcing himself to hear out the whole story before reprimanding Remus any further.

Remus sat back down as he replied in a meek voice, 'No.'

Charlus took a deep breath, clasping his hands together as he maintained stern eye contact with the boy. 'Is there a reason you took them without asking me first?'

Remus nodded but said nothing more.

Charlus's patience was wearing thin and he realised that had it been James in the very same position, he would have already dealt a very harsh punishment. But every child had to be dealt with differently, he reminded himself of his wife's reasoning. While James was very open and guiltless about his misdemeanours, Remus was a lot more wary and harsh on himself. Similarly, Sirius was a lot more mistrusting and quick to anger, and had to be handled more delicately, more often than not by Dorea because Charlus found him too difficult. 'Will you tell me what it is?' Charlus asked kindly. 'I promise I will not be angry.'

Remus bit his lip. 'Have you seen the latest issue of the Moto this week?'

Charlus frowned. 'No. I assumed Sirius was not done reading it.'

'Sirius is in it,' Remus clarified, and for a moment, Charlus was sure he had misheard. 'I convinced him to race in the underground Moto and he got scouted. He was featured in the Moto as a promising newcomer; page twelve.' He grinned proudly. 'I'm working on building the perfect bike for him; no used parts. I swear, Charlus, all the parts were bought with our own savings. I haven't stolen anything of value and Sirius really needs this if he intends to win. I know if I perfect the-'

'Hold on,' Charlus held his hands up, trying to absorb everything Remus just said. 'Are you telling me, you built an entire dirt bike by yourself, with nothing but spare parts?' The boy just blinked in surprise and nodded. 'A fully functioning dirt bike that was able to actually perform on the track?' Another nod and Charlus felt his brain about to combust. Clearly, he had underestimated exactly how far Remus's skills went. 'Show me.'

Remus's eyes widened in surprise. 'But I haven't finished it yet and-'

' _Show me,'_  Charlus insisted, feeling excitement bubbling inside him. He stood up, dragging Remus out of his chair by the elbow. 'Whatever you've finished, I want to see it.'

Remus was wary but he allowed Charlus to follow him into the unused shed not far from the garage. To say that Charlus was taken away by the bike in front of him would be an understatement. Truthfully, he had never seen something so raw and beautiful, least of all created by a boy so young. His hands roved over the incomplete body in an almost perverted manner, taking in every single detail that had been put in to streamline and accommodate movements to the track. It was far from perfect but it was phenomenal nonetheless. 'Do you have blueprints for this?' Charlus asked distractedly, still unable to take his eyes off of the bike. He did not think he could be any more in awe until Remus shook his head and Charlus realised that this monstrosity had been created from mind alone. 'Dear Lord,' he exclaimed, wonderment filling his voice. 'This is phenomenal! This is a  _sign!_ '

Remus shifted awkwardly, clearly not in the same loop as Charlus.

Charlus turned towards the boy, unable to keep the wide smile off of his face. 'Remus, the day I met you, I had created a proposal for Nimbus Industries. It was a disaster everywhere I took it mainly because we simply didn't have the capabilities we needed at that point. But  _now…'_ He grasped him by his shoulders, 'Lad, what do you say to becoming the co-developer for Nimbus Industries?'

* * *

**2.3: Wedding Bells**

'The best man is supposed to be dancing with all the bridesmaids and trying to bed them.'

Remus snorted, not bothering to look up as he took a drag from his cigarette. 'The groom is supposed to be dancing with his bride.'

'Touché,' Frank laughed, settling down beside Remus and snatching away the cigarette from his lips. 'Bad habit,' he muttered, squashing it under the heel of his shoe despite Remus's protests. 'It makes you taste like smoke.'

'Good thing you don't have to taste me anymore then, isn't it?' Remus bit back, though not without humour. He didn't light up another cigarette, however, despite his yearning. He wondered when Sirius's bad habit had also become his. Nights spent after sex sharing a fag and just talking had become such a part of their ritual that it had bled into part of Remus's day as well. 'So what brings you here? Tired of taking pictures with distant relatives?'

Frank shrugged and smiled. 'Something like that. I was also hoping my last dance tonight would be with someone who mattered.'

Remus looked at the hand hovering in front of him with surprise. If this was a lark, Frank's expression certainly didn't show it. In fact, Frank himself looked unsure and nervous, as if worried that Remus might say no. 'Someone might see,' Remus said unsurely even as he took Frank's hand and stood up.

'You and I both know that the reason we're here is because no one else is,' Frank replied and Remus did not ask how Frank had known where to find him. He let Frank guide his hands around his shoulders, while Frank's own went around Remus's waist. As they started to sway, Remus could see the tension in the other man's shoulder dissipating. Feeling almost sorry for his friend, Remus did not protest when Frank rested his head on his chest. 'Tomorrow, it's off to Cardiff for our honeymoon. Alice can barely contain her excitement; she's already packed all our bags twice.' There was a certain fondness in his voice as he spoke of her. 'I reckon she thinks sex is some kind of fairy tale and I really don't want to disappoint her. I've already asked the hotel to prepare scented baths and sprinkle flower petals on the bed.' He sighed. 'Any more ideas?'

'Get her so drunk that she doesn't remember how terrible it is the next morning?'

Frank laughed and slapped Remus's bum playfully. 'Twat. I never heard you complaining.'

Remus hummed, resting his chin on Frank's brown hair. It felt scratchy and stiff from the copious amount of product put in it to keep it firmly in place for the wedding. 'You were a mighty good shag. Should have included that bit in my speech.' He laughed, this time dodging Frank's hand by twirling the man in his arms and dipping him dramatically.

Frank laughed and wrapped his arms around Remus's shoulders again, as he was brought back up. 'It was a pretty impressive speech even without that bit. Do you really think I'm the luckiest man on Earth right about now?'

'Don't you?' Remus asked with a raised eyebrow. 'Not everyone is able to marry the person they love.' He hadn't meant to sound so bitter; Remus had honestly wanted it to sound like a joke. But somehow, he couldn't keep the derision out of his voice.

'Remus, marriage isn't the end of the line, you know,' Frank said slowly. 'It's about being together with a person who completes you and you care for immensely.' He lifted a hand to stroke Remus's hair softly, fingers coming down to caress his cheek and the side of his neck; all the while his blue eyes glazed over as if deep in thought. 'I think,' he started slowly after a long period of silence, 'I think I would be luckier if I had yo-'

'Remus!'

Frank suddenly pulled away as if burned.

Remus looked to his left, where Sirius was now running towards them. 'James and I were looking for you! We're leaving in a few minutes.' He stopped in front of them and perhaps it was Remus's imagination, but he seemed to position himself purposely between Remus and Frank. 'Frank,' he addressed the other man curtly, his grey eyes hard. 'Shouldn't you be getting back to the festivities? I'm sure your wife is waiting for you.'

'Y-yes, of course,' Frank stuttered, frazzled for reasons unbeknownst to Remus. He couldn't even look Remus in the eyes anymore as he ran his hand through his hair. Even as he left, it seemed he could not walk quickly enough as his legs threatened to trip over the other. He did not look back once or say goodbye, which was uncharacteristic of his normally affectionate friend.

'Why did you wander off?' Sirius rounded on him and Remus couldn't understand why he was so angry.

'I needed a fag; not that you'd notice,' Remus shot back sourly.

Sirius frowned. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

Remus turned away, sitting back down on the steps he'd been occupying before Frank had come along. 'Are you really going to pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about?' He asked, stuffing his clenched fists into his pockets. 'That you haven't been fucking ignoring me like a disease for an entire week now?' He looked up at Sirius, his brows furrowed together in anger. 'That you so much haven't looked at me all day today, forget even coming fucking close to me.'

Sirius's mouth opened and closed.

'What?' Remus laughed bitterly, looking away from Sirius to glare at the tree in front of him instead. 'Did you think I hadn't notice?'

Sirius finally seemed to find his voice after painful minutes of silence. 'I'm not ignoring you.' As Remus snorted in reply, he flopped down next to him with a heavy sigh. 'It's something that Logan said. That day when he offered to be my manager, he knew…' When Remus looked at him questioningly, Sirius clarified, '…about us. He knew we were together and he advised me that if I wanted to really achieve something in the Moto, I needed to learn to be careful.'

'Careful,' Remus repeated slowly, his heart sinking as he interpreted in the worst way possible what that exactly meant. 'What does careful mean for us?'

' _No,_ it's not what you're thinking,' Sirius hastened to explain, reading into Remus's thoughts perfectly. 'Remus, that's not what I meant. We just need to be a bit more cautious in public; maybe keep a low profile and appear as friends as much as possible.' He held Remus but both shoulders and urged him to turn so that they were sitting face to face. 'I  _want_ this, Remus. Believe me, I want this; but never at the expense of losing you. I swear to you, there is nothing in this world that will make me want to give you up. I want you to know that I will always choose you over everything.'

Remus's worried frown lifted to a smile as he hugged Sirius tightly. 'I love you,' he said quietly before kissing Sirius fully on the lips.

'Really?' Sirius asked, pulling away. 'It's not Frank?'

Remus looked at Sirius incredulously. 'Have you lost your marbles? Why would it be Frank?'

'You…' Sirius licked his lips, 'You looked upset tonight and I thought maybe it was because you still had feelings for Frank.'

'Twat.' Remus flicked him on the forehead. 'It's obvious I was moping after you and it's even more obvious that I'm in love with you.'

Sirius laughed and pulled Remus into another kiss, keeping him in position until they were both too breathless to continue. 'Hey, say it again.'

'Shut up,' Remus blushed, feeling secretly pleased that Sirius had taken his confession so well. Though Remus had not put much thought into it and had just gone with what his heart had said at that time, he would have been devastated if Sirius had been awkward afterwards.

Sirius nudged him by the shoulder. 'Come on. You've never said it before.'

'I love you,' Remus repeated, hiding his face in Sirius's neck and feeling a bit like a girl.

He felt Sirius kiss him on the top of his hair. 'Again.'

'Shut up.

* * *

**2.4: Birthday Presents**

'Fuck,' Sirius groaned, as Remus lowered himself slowly. His hands flew to Remus's hips, urging the man to take more of him. 'Fuck,' he threw his head back, neck and spine arching off the bed as Remus started to move. 'Remus, don't tease,' Sirius pleaded, as Remus rolled his hips painfully slowly. A pale hand rested on his chest, sliding up to tweak one of his nipples and that's when Sirius found his control slip. With a growl, he flipped them over, pushing Remus into the bed and holding him there by the shoulders.

Remus smirked. 'You said whatever I wanted.'

'What you want is hazardous to my wellbeing,' Sirius murmured, nipping Remus's throat. 'Any slower and my cock would have fallen off.' His hands dug into Remus's thighs, lifting them above his shoulders. He moaned when Remus's arse touched his cock, the friction alone enough to send him over the edge. He stopped only for second to steady his breathing, resting his head against Remus's knee and kissing the smooth skin there again and again. When he'd finally gotten himself in control, he pressed his turgid cock against Remus, the other man's hands guiding him as he breached the opening. Sirius could never get over how good it felt inside Remus; tight, hot, slick. Every time he pushed, he watched Remus's face for every little change. He purposely delayed hitting that little spot that would make Remus scream; making him arch into Sirius, moaning and begging. Sirius would watch as beads of sweat appeared on Remus's forehead; as white teeth bit and abused kiss-red lips; as Remus's Adam's apple bobbed in tandem to his moans; and as his stomach contracted with every thrust. Sirius waited until Remus's cock was so hard that it smeared cum liberally across their stomachs. And then he changed the angle of his hips and thrust hard.

He knew it would make Remus scream.

After that, Sirius never stopped. He made sure he drove in just right every single time, unrelenting and unforgiving as Remus screamed himself hoarse. The bed creaked and protested under them and Sirius thought he might have heard one of the neighbours banging against the wall.

'I love you.'

This was always Sirius's favourite part. When Remus was close to coming, he would always wrap his arms around Sirius hair and pull him in for a messy kiss which had more shared breaths than tongue than lips. He would no longer be able to keep his eyes open and he would tangle his fingers into Sirius's hair, as he buried his face into Sirius's neck. Breathlessly, Remus would whisper words of love and adoration into Sirius's ear. 'I love you. Sirius, I love you.'

It was enough to make Sirius come, an explosion of white behind his eyelids. 'Remus!'

'Happy Birthday,' Sirius wished, once they had cleaned themselves up. He kissed Remus lovingly on the temple before allowing him to disentangle and open the bedroom door.

Padfoot bounded in joyously, never able to stay away from his master for very long. Remus had spoiled the mutt like a child; never spending a moment away from his beloved dog unless he absolutely had to. It was his constant companion and even if Sirius was occasionally jealous, he was more pleased over the improvement in Remus's health since Padfoot's arrival. 'Hey, boy,' Sirius cooed as Padfoot jumped on the bed and greeted Sirius with a few friendly licks. He never stayed long enough for Sirius to scratch his ears, climbing on to Remus's lap, as soon as the man got into bed again. Sirius sometimes wondered if Padfoot knew he was as large as a grizzly and definitely  _not_ a lap dog. Remus certainly did not try to dissuade him. Even now, with Sirius lying stark naked at his side, he chose to bestow his kisses to Padfoot instead.

'What do you want for your birthday?' Sirius asked, trying to get Remus's attention. He reached out to finger the curls on Remus's forehead, a slight arousal coursing through him when he realised that Remus's hair was still damp from their earlier activities. Giving in just a little, his kissed Remus's neck, just below his jaw. He could smell the underlying scent of sex and sweat on his skin, along with something so intoxicatingly Remus that he could not pull away. 'I saw this nice watch yesterday. I was hoping you would come with me to have a look and get it sized?'

Remus shook his head. He seemed hesitant to say anything and his hands fisted into Padfoot's black fur. 'I-' Padfoot, sensing Remus's unease, whined and licked him comfortingly on the nose. 'Sirius, it's been nearly two years since we've gotten together and I was wondering if you would consider…' Sirius stomach sank with dread as he realised what Remus was going to ask of him. 'If you would consider moving in?' His amber eyes looked so wide and hopeful that Sirius found his throat too clogged to answer. Something in Sirius's face must have shown through, because Remus started rambling. 'I know you're worried about appearances, but this is a big flat. I honestly went a little overboard when Mr. Potter gave me a pay rise. I could easily have one of the rooms furnished and we can say it's yours. And everyone in this neighbourhood is really too busy to nose around in other's business.'

'Remus.'

'Padfoot won't be a bother either,' he went on, unwilling to let Sirius utter the inevitable no. 'You know he always sticks by me, and he's such a good dog. And-'

'Remus, I  _can't_.' Sirius hated himself for making Remus look like that; like he'd been punched in the gut. 'You know I can't. I know I'm not really that notable for people to care yet, but I want to be. I really want this, Remus, and that means following Logan's advice and being discrete. People will know and while it may not matter now, it will later when I'm trying to make something of myself. That's when the truth  _will_ come out and I don't want that jeopardising everything we've both worked so hard for. ' He cast his gaze away, unable to look at the disappointment in Remus's eyes any longer. 'Not now; Remus, not yet.'

'Sirius,' Remus's voice trembled, 'do you really want this? Us, I mean?'

Fear clenched in Sirius's chest. 'Of course!' he cried immediately, startling Padfoot into a growl. 'Of course I want this. I've never wanted anything more, you know that!'

'Then how are you able to bear it?' Remus asked solemnly. 'How are you able to bear weeks spent away from me, when I can't even bear a second? I know we see each other nearly everyday when we practice, but that isn't the same. I sit and wait every day, hoping the phone will ring, and today, you'll tell me that you're going to come. I want this, Sirius.' He waved at the space between them. 'You and me, like we are today, right this moment. I want this every fucking day of my life. Is that too much to ask?'

'It is,' Sirius replied harshly. 'Right now, Remus, it is. Tell me, how many gay people do you know in the Motocross? Football; cricket? Any sport you can think of; if you name one person then I will change my mind.' Remus's silence meant that he had grudgingly accepted Sirius's decision or was too angry to speak. 'The truth of the matter is that unless you're in the entertainment industry, Remus, being gay just doesn't fly. The minute they find out, I'll be out. It doesn't matter how promising I am, the sponsors will drop me in a heartbeat. It's not a good image for me. Sport is made for men, not-'

'Faggots?' Remus laughed humourlessly.

Sirius cringed. 'Don't say it like that.'

Remus chose to say nothing at all, burying his face into Padfoot's fur.

The silence was stifling. 'I need to go,' Sirius murmured, kissing Remus's hair before getting up. 'It's getting late.' He pulled his pants, then jeans over his legs as Padfoot watched unabashedly. Usually, Remus would be watching too, but he had yet to look up at Sirius. Sirius wondered if Remus had just fallen asleep. 'Remus, I'm sorry,' he apologised, hoping Remus would look up. He didn't want to go home like this, especially not on Remus's birthday. Sirius had tried to make things special today; he had spent the whole day in Remus's flat, cooking dinner and watching movies together. 'Remus, please,' Sirius begged, buttoning his shirt haphazardly before sitting beside the other boy on the bed. 'I don't want to fight.' He stroked Remus's hair and bare back gently, his hand leaving trails of warmth on the man's cooling skin.

'There are keys in the drawer,' Remus whispered into Padfoot's fur, tilting his head only slightly so that Sirius could see one amber eye peeking through. He waited for Sirius to pull open the bedside drawer and fish out the little blue envelope that had his name in the front. Sure enough, when turned over, a small brass key fell out, not dissimilar to the one Remus had. 'I guess I was hoping you would say yes,' Remus said miserably.

Sirius felt his gut twist with guilt when he realised Remus was partially lying. The writing on the envelope was smudged and faded, which meant that Remus had been holding on these keys and mulling over them for much longer than he was letting on; perhaps even since he first decided to buy the flat.

'You can keep it,' Remus continued. 'For whenever you want to come over. Even if I'm not at home or I'm not able to answer the phone, you can wait here. You'll be able to do that at least, won't you?' His tone was bitter, but his amber eyes were wide and pleading. Sirius would not be able to say no even if he wanted to. Remus let out a sigh when Sirius nodded and pocketed the key safely.

'I'll see you soon.' Sirius kissed Remus's temple and patted Padfoot on the head. 'Goodnight, Remus.'

As he was leaving, he saw Remus lie back down with his arms circled around his dog, mumbling wretchedly, 'Happy Birthday to me, eh, Padfoot.'

Sirius could have stopped right then. He could have stopped and apologised, and begged Remus to understand. He  _wanted_  this; he wanted to live with Remus; to wake up to him every morning and fall asleep to him every night. But being with Remus came with a sacrifice Sirius was not willing to make as of yet. Neither was he willing to let go of the one person in his life who made him feel happy and complete. But if he turned back now, Sirius knew that he could not stop himself from spending the night. So he walked on, pulling up the hood on his jacket as he left Remus's flat. His mind was so preoccupied with thoughts of Remus that he ran into one of the new tenants trying to move in. He mumbled a hasty apology, not bothering to help pick the things that had spilled over, and walked on.

He needed a smoke.

* * *

**2.5: Mistakes & Promises**

'Damn it, I wish Moony could have come. You're of absolutely no help!' James complained, shoving away the fifteenth ring he'd seen so far. 'Every bloody one I showed you, you said the same thing over and over again:  _oh, it's nice._  I don't need nice, Sirius. I need fucking perfect.'

Sirius looked positively bored by this whole trip. 'What do you want me to say, James? They  _all_ look the same. They have a fucking rock in the middle of a round piece of metal.' He turned to James, throwing his hands up in exasperation. 'Just get her the biggest rock here. Nice and expensive: that's what women want, isn't it?'

The woman shopping beside her husband threw them a dirty look and James smiled at her apologetically. 'This is why I wanted Moony, but the daft idiot just had to go to work. At least he understands women.'

'Excuse me!' Sirius exclaimed outraged. 'I understand women!'

James would have laughed if he were not on the verge of a breakdown. 'Sirius, you have never even properly dated a woman. If I wanted to know how to lure innocent women to shag me, I would come to you.' James was exaggerating a bit; he had never actually seen Sirius lure anyone into any kind of shag. But girls had always thrown themselves at Sirius since school; more so now that he was almost-famous. A man would be blind not to make use of the opportunity. James reckoned that Sirius was simply being discrete and secretive given his position. 'Moony is the more sensitive sort; he understands these things. He gets along with Lily better, too, which really is a nice way of saying he doesn't get on her nerves.'

Sirius snorted. 'Remus has never dated any women either, you know,' he muttered defensively, though he avoided looking at James in the eye. It only proved that James had hit home about Sirius's womanising. 'I don't know why he's suddenly the woman expert.'

'Remus is…' James trailed off, unsure whether to share his doubts with Sirius. He had an inkling Remus's interests veered towards a different side of the pitch, but until he was sure, James did not want to reveal anything. He did not want Sirius to treat the man any differently or have something like preference get in the way of their friendship. James himself had thought of confronting Remus many a time, especially after Frank's wedding in which Remus had been best man. Best man to a person who had only been a customer; who had known Remus's address when not even James's father had known; had stared at Remus with something akin to longing during the wedding while his bride had been sitting right beside him. 'Remus is different,' James concluded lamely.

Sirius hummed in agreement. 'He is.' He clicked his tongue as James moved away yet another design for not being perfect enough. 'I still think it's a terrible idea to marry her now,' He voiced his opinion as his hands played with one of the ring boxes. 'You're too young for this; you only just turned twenty. Be reasonable.' He placed a hand on James's shoulder, a look of earnest concern on his face. 'Just because you knocked her up doesn't mean you have to marry her. There are many other steps that can be taken. I don't want you to do this out of  _obligation_ to her and this child.'

Sirius really was unbelievable. 'Sirius,' James shoved his friend's hand away. 'I  _love_ this woman. I would have married her eventually, regardless of this child. Yes, I admit things are going fast, but I don't want to let her go.' He looked back at Sirius with eyes full of hardened determination. 'I'm not going to make the same mistakes my father did. I don't want to have any regrets.' For a while, they stared each other down. Some of James's resolve must have been communicated, because Sirius nodded and clapped James encouragingly on the back. 'Good. Now that that's cleared, look for a ring that says,  _Lily, I love you.'_

'How about getting one with an inscription?' Sirius chuckled as James hit him playfully over the head.

'I'm serious!' James insisted. 'This is something she's going to wear for the rest of her life. It should be just like her; beautiful and intelligent and vivacious. It should tell her and the whole world that I love her; that I want to be with her for the rest of my life; that she is the most important thing in this world to me and I would gladly give my life for her. When she looks at it, she should know that I love her and that I'll always be with her, heart, body and soul. That I miss her every second I am apart from her and I would do anything to be with her.' The woman beside him was cooing and James shot her a flirtatious wink.

He waited for Sirius to make gagging noises and to tell him to go look for his balls, but nothing came. Instead, he found Sirius lost in his own thoughts, back bent as he stared down one of the display cases.

'Mate, this is what I meant when I said I wanted Moony. You really have got horrible taste,' James commented as he followed Sirius's line of sight. 'Those rings are for  _men_.'

* * *

**2.6 Neighbourly Feelings**

Fabian was startled by a knock on the window and cursed when his keys dropped to the car floor. Too frustrated to pick them up, he rolled down the windows too see a fair haired man leaning against his car. It took a while of staring at those round amber eyes, deep pink lips, and flushed cheeks for Fabian to place exactly who it was that was intrusively poking his head into his car. It was his rather fit neighbour: R.J. Lupin. Fabian had seen him a few times passing by the stairs to their floor, often smelling of petrol and, oddly enough, chocolate. It was a strange, but not entirely unpleasant combination. Sometimes if Fabian was lucky enough and it was a particularly hot day, his neighbour would forgo his shirt for skin. Very nice, pale skin over a wiry, defined body.

'Need some help, mate?' The man asked with a grin. 'You look like you're about to do some damage to this beauty.' He patted the hood of Fabian's car. 'I could take a look at her and save you some trouble.'

Fabian nodded, feeling too tongue tied to say more. He popped the hood open and stepped out of his car. Trying to look as masculine as possible, he stood beside the man. He ran a hand through his ginger hair and attempted to look interested and all-knowing as his neighbour tinkered around what looked like nothing but a mass of metal to Fabian. Lupin was wearing a white vest, smudged with oil stains and fingerprints. Fabian tried not to stare at the flex of muscle in the man's shoulder, as he worked on Fabian's decrepit car.

'You're Lupin, aren't you?' Fabian asked conversationally, even though he knew perfectly well that the man beside him  _was_ Lupin. 'I wasn't creeping or anything!' He hastened to explain, hands flying up in defence when Lupin shot him a frown. 'I just moved in next door to you and your name plate is on the front door. I saw you walk by a couple of times when going to work.'

Lupin's face broke into a warm smile. 'I'm sorry. I hadn't noticed someone new had moved in. That apartment has been empty for so long.' It was just Fabian's luck that a man he had been ogling for almost two weeks would not even notice his existence. 'You can call me Remus.' He stuck his hand out for a shake and Fabian was in awe of how despite the slim fingers, the skin under his palm were rough and calloused. 'You should try the car again.'

Sure enough, when Fabian turned the key again, the engine roared to life. Both Fabian and Remus shared an accomplished grin.

'You need to get your oil changed,' Remus advised over the hum of the engine. 'And your brake shoe replaced. I wouldn't advise driving too much until you do, for your own safety.' He pushed the hood down, where it snapped shut loudly. 'If you want, I can give you a card for a good place to go to. It's up in my flat, so if you're on your way home, I could always give it to you.' He proposed, wiping his hands on the back of his jeans. 'And if you're busy, you're always free to come by.'

If Fabian were to be brutally honest, he actually had classes at the university to go to. It was why he had been hurrying in the first place. But Fabian rarely said no to invitations from attractive men and this time was not going to be an exception. 'I was just on my way home actually.' He grabbed his book bag, made sure to lock the car, and followed Remus upstairs. 'So how long have you been here for?'

'Few months,' Remus replied, turning his house keys in the door and letting Fabian in. 'It was quite an upgrade compared to the place I was living in before. Beer?'

Looking for an excuse to stay longer, Fabian nodded, accepting the bottle from Remus.

'I've got it here somewhere,' Remus mumbled to himself, rifling through the kitchen drawers.

Fabian took the opportunity to explore the house from what he could see. The furniture was simplistic and utilitarian, nothing fancy or extravagant that one would expect from someone who lived in an upscale flat. Coupled with Remus's earlier statement about living inconvenience earlier and the man's rather rough accent, Fabian could deduce that Remus had probably not had much money before. Remus, passion, it seemed lay in automotive; the shelves were laden with books about construction of cars and mostly motorbikes. The magazine rack held similar genres, though Fabian noticed that a few of them had been singled out to a separate rack in no particular order. He would have dismissed it, if he'd not noticed that everything else seemed either chronologically or alphabetically ordered. The walls were bare of pictures, too, save for a few paintings of scenery and nature. This was good; this meant Remus did not have any significant partners or relationships. To be honest, Fabian would have classed Remus as completely straight if he had not heard the man having sex the night he moved in. The shared walls to their apartment were painfully thin and while Fabian certainly hadn't minded, Gideon, his brother, had repeatedly banged the wall with a broomstick in annoyance.

'Here we go!' Remus exclaimed, holding up a small black card with flourish.

Fabian immediately schooled his features to polite curiosity. 'Nimbus Garage, eh?' He asked, taking the card from Remus and quirking his eyebrow upwards, as he read it aloud. 'I don't suppose you work there?'

Remus grinned cheekily and took a sip from his beer. 'Not in that division, but I can guarantee they do good work. It's not just me campaigning for my company. You can ask for Edgar and tell them Remus sent you. They'll get you a good rate.'

'Thanks.' Fabian pocketed the card. 'So I'm guessing you work on motorbikes instead of cars?' Fabian pointed to Remus's bookshelf.

'Something like that. I design bikes for the Motocross.' Fabian would not pay mind to this until afterwards, when he would tell Gideon all about their new neighbour and his brother would spill tea all over himself in shock.  _That's fucking brilliant,_ Gideon would exclaim, and then go into a huge tedious explanation about exactly what the Motocross was and who were leading the board. 'You've got a good eye, eh?' Remus commented, taking another sip from his bottle as he rearranged everything back in the drawers. 'What else have you noticed?' His eyes glinted almost playfully. 'You haven't been going through my underwear drawers while I wasn't looking, have you?'

Fabian blushed; he could not deny that he had momentarily entertained the idea. 'Your dog,' He said instead. 'Your dog is missing. I always see him with you and he's definitely not in the flat because he's usually quite loud.'

Remus looked sheepish. 'Yes, sorry about that. Padfoot's a bit boisterous, but he's a really good dog. I dropped him off at the groomers.' He dropped his empty beer bottle in the trash. 'I'm afraid you'll hear him cry and complain all evening today; he really hates it there. He's a bit of a baby, so he's going to be in a huff with me all week.'

Fabian laughed. 'He sounds like quite a handful. I've got another class soon so I need to get going. Maybe I could meet Padfoot sometime?' He asked hopefully. Fabian did love dogs, but if he were truthful, he was more interested in the owner than the pet this time around.

'Feel free to drop by any time,' Remus replied warmly, seeing Fabian to the door.

Fabian had every intention of make the most of Remus's invitation.

* * *

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)

**Part 2: How We Unravelled**

**2.7: Drive By**

'What you're trying to do won't happen with this bike,' Remus said, not looking up as he inspected Sirius's bike. 'I've told you before. You need more grip and flexibility. You're just ending up damaging the one you have; these things don't make themselves in a heartbeat, you know!' He scolded, tongue between his teeth as he tinkered with the parts that had practically burned out from effort. 'I can't replace one on a whim. If you don't have a bike, you can't compete in the Motocross next month.'

'I know that,' Sirius growled. 'I've tried making modifications, but I'm still skidding.'

'Don't touch the damn thing without asking me first!' Remus ordered angrily, looking up at Sirius. James, who had accompanied them to watch the practices, looked startled; he had probably never seen Remus scold anyone before. 'I told you, I'm sourcing the right tires for it. It needs to be able grip  _both_ pavement and dirt. You're going to sabotage the damn thing with your tinkering and the fault is going to go onto Nimbus. Damn it!' He wiped his muddy hands on his jeans. 'Sirius, I understand that you want to join the SuperMoto circuit, I really do, but don't rush it. It's not just this bike; you're putting your life in danger. Stick to the Motocross for now, until I get you something that works.'

Sirius looked like wanted to argue.

'Trust me,' Remus assured, placing one hand on Sirius's shoulder.

On instinct, Sirius flinched and shrugged it off hastily. He regretted it immediately as hurt flashed in Remus's eyes. Sirius hadn't meant it; except that James and Logan were right there and they were watching. Especially Logan who always looked at Sirius in warning whenever he found the two of them interacting too closely. Sirius felt foolish because he looked more suspicious now than if he had just accepted Remus's touch as friendly concern. Luckily, James thought he'd done it because he was hacked off at the other man for yelling at him publicly and even asked him to calm down and understand that as his official technician, Remus reserved the right to be controlling. Sirius ignored him, beseeching Remus with his eyes and willing the man to understand that he was truly sorry.

'Just send the bike to the garage. I'll look it over,' Remus said harshly, ignoring Sirius's apology and glaring at Logan. 'I don't have everything I need in this toolbox anyway.' He grabbed his jacket off the chair and shrugged it on. 'James, your mum asked me over for dinner, so I'll guess I'll see you both then.' He picked up his toolbox and walked away, a frown marring his normally gentle features.

'You're a Class A git, you know that,' James rounded on him once Remus was out of earshot. 'He was only doing his job, and you know well he wasn't wrong. Even Logan warned you against trying the SuperMoto with that bike.'

Of course Sirius knew that. Remus was a professional through and through. He was the one that had started it all after all. He had turned Sirius's passion for motor cross to a profession; gifting Sirius his very first bike and encouraging him to race in the underground championships. He had been there for Sirius from the very beginning; making modifications as he learned through Sirius's performance in each race, and reassuring Sirius that he would win next time, each time he lost. Even when James thought him mad (though not any less cool), Remus cheered for him. If not for Remus, even Charlus's Nimbus bike division would not exist.

So who was Sirius to question him and who was Sirius to doubt his professionalism.

'Logan, can you take the bike with you when you go home?' Sirius asked distractedly, pulling his coat on and grabbing his black biker's helmet. He swung his satchel over his shoulder. 'I'm going after Remus.' He didn't waste time waiting for Logan's reply or warning glance, instead running inside the main building and following down the hallway which lead to the parking lot. Luckily, he wasn't too late and found Remus just unlocking and mounting his bike. 'Remus!' He called loudly, waving in case Remus wouldn't hear him over the distance. 'Remus, wait!' He jogged up to the other man and swung his leg over the bike behind Remus, not bothering to ask permission. 'I thought maybe we could ride back together. I was planning to come over to yours anyway.'

'What if someone sees?' Remus asked spitefully, though he made no move to remove Sirius as he pulled on his helmet. 'God forbid anyone should get the wrong idea.'

'Who'll recognise me through this, eh?' Sirius tapped his visor. 'Come on, it's been ages since we've ridden together.' He pushed closer to Remus, so that they were pressed chest to back with hardly any space between them. 'I've missed this.' He wound his arms around Remus's waist securely, wishing he could kiss the other man like he always used to do when they were younger and would ride together. Sirius could tell from the way Remus's muscles relaxed beneath his hands that he had been forgiven. 'Thank you,' Sirius said softly, rubbing affectionate circles into the soft brown leather of Remus's jacket.

Remus hummed and kick started the bike. Sirius wasn't sure if Remus did it on purpose, but he found them travelling a longer route back to Remus's flat than he was familiar with. They criss-crossed through busy roads, Remus expertly moving through traffic despite the bulk of his bike. He did not have the ease or finesse that Sirius did, but Remus knew the mechanics of his machines well and knew exactly what turns and bends he could make with precision. Sirius didn't really have the heart to complain; they hadn't seen each other privately since Remus's birthday three weeks ago due to their hectic schedules. He missed the man terribly and found himself enjoying their long ride. He felt safe and secure with Remus's lean body radiating heat into his arms and chest. Lulled to a sense of contentment, he rested his head against Remus's back, enjoying simply watching the world pass by. Like this with Remus, he felt they were invincible; that it was only the two of them in this world and nothing more.

That sense of complacency, however, ended when the engine cut off and Remus parked his bike on the curb, locking it securely. The neighbourhood was busy today, probably because it was closing hours and everyone was coming to their respective homes. Sirius kept his helmet on, only popping open the visor, even as they climbed the staircases to the second floor. If Remus noticed this, he said nothing about it. In fact, he said nothing at all as he let Sirius into the flat and hung up both their jackets. Sirius took it as a cue that Remus was still very much displeased with him and if he wanted to speak, he would have to do it very quickly. Sirius quickly sat himself down on the sofa before Remus decided Sirius was better off outside.

'Remus, I needed to talk to you,' Sirius rushed, avoiding looking at Remus in favour of digging through his satchel for what he had come for. Padfoot, who had been napping in his basket this entire time, peeked at him through one eye. 'I really was hoping to do this later or maybe I didn't have the nerve to do it until now.' He accepted the beer Remus handed him and took a long sip; Remus always kept Sirius's favourite. 'Sit down beside me, won't you. This is difficult for me, as it is.'

Remus complied, though reluctantly. Padfoot barked, joining Remus on the sofa. He lay his head on his master's lap before closing his eyes and dozing off again.

'Remus,' Sirius started with a deep breath, 'first of all, I wanted to say sorry about your birthday. I wasn't able to give you what you wanted and it really isn't your fault. I'm just not ready yet; with everything else that's happening in my life. But I didn't mean for it to hurt you and I really don't want you to think that I don't care for you just because I can't live with you. I-' Sirius wanted to say more; about how he couldn't breathe without Remus by his side. About how Remus occupied his thoughts every single second of his life. How sometimes he felt he couldn't live through the emotions that overwhelmed him when Remus so much as kissed him. But Sirius found himself a coward. 'I still haven't gotten you a present; long overdue, I know.' He wasn't like James; proclaiming his love from the rooftops. But that didn't mean Sirius couldn't take a leaf out of James's book and hope that his unspoken words would show through. 'I was hoping you'd still accept this.' He opened the little blue velvet box to reveal a platinum band sitting inside. There was a delicate silver chain at the bottom of the box and Sirius pulled it out, looping the ring through it. 'If you like it well enough, maybe you could wear it all the time?' Sirius suggested shyly as he wound the chain around Remus's neck and did the clasp.

The ring hung just at the centre of Remus's chest, looking almost ethereal against Remus's pale skin. Remus, still in a state of shock, looked down at it with awe. 'Forever,' he read the inscription Sirius had made on the inner rim of the ring. His index traced it delicately before letting the ring fall back to his chest. 'Forever,' Remus whispered again, his amber eyes beaming with happiness as he looked up at Sirius. His right hand reached over his chest, holding the ring close to his heart.

'Forever,' Sirius agreed, reaching to place his left hand over Remus's right.

* * *

**2.8: Key is Persistence**

Fabian made sure that in the next couple of weeks, Remus saw him as much as physically possible.

He started with memorising Remus's weekday and weekend schedules, which meant he stayed at home pretending to be ill with the flu for an entire two weeks. He was fastidious in his approach; using the wall between their flats to track sounds of movement. Remus was not a particularly noisy person to begin with, which meant that Fabian had to shift around the furniture in his room so that the bed was pressed against the wall and he was able to listen in more clearly. Every time he heard the door of Remus's flat close, he rushed out with the pretence of having to do something. Sometimes it was taking out the garbage; other times he just needed to take a walk and stretch his legs a little bit. It didn't matter what the excuse was; each time he made sure to walk with Remus all the way to the parking lot as he made small talk.

On the third week, he rescheduled his entire university course plan so that his and Remus's timings coincided perfectly. This meant Fabian walked Remus to his bike and also back to the flat every single day. On weekends, he also accompanied Remus to the grocers and walks to the park with Padfoot. The walks were the best because Fabian had an excuse to take pictures of Remus and him together, coaxing passer-by's to handle his camera for him. He would get Padfoot in, too, because that way they looked like a proper family in the pictures. Fabian now had all of fifteen of these pictures in different locations and he tacked each and every one of them on the wall closest to his bed. This was so that Remus's face was the last thing he saw before going to sleep and the first thing he saw when he woke up. The only issue with his new décor was that his brother, Gideon, was no longer allowed in his room. Unlike Fabian, Gideon was not a man of romance and did not understand love the same way. Luckily, Gideon was also the kind of man who did not ask too many questions and was also not very bothered by other people's affairs.

Besides his brother, the only hurdle that Fabian encountered in his mission was Remus's bed elusive bed partner, who had appeared twice in two weeks and then once in the fourth week. Each time, it was the same man. Though he had never seen the bloke's face because of the hoodie that he always hid behind, Fabian knew by stature and structure alone that it was definitely the same man. This also proved Fabian's theory wrong about Remus not having a significant partner, but did create another theory that the partner perhaps was not significant enough. For Fabian, it no longer mattered what Remus's relationship status was. The man never stayed very long; three hours at its most, but each time, Fabian had to suffer through the noises of their love making with jealousy coursing through him like fire. On the fourth week, it had gotten so unbearable that he had actually gone and rang the doorbell to Remus's flat multiple times. He had no game plan except that he wanted them to stop. No one had answered, the noises had continued, and Fabian had been forced to give up after his ninth attempt.

On the fifth week, Fabian made his second strategic move.

'Hey, I was hoping I would catch you on your way out!'

'You always catch me on my way out,' Remus commented with a raised eyebrow and a smirk that made Fabian want to grab his face and kiss it off. Padfoot barked in agreement and licked Fabian's hand in his usual greeting. 'One would think you were stalking me.' When Fabian blushed and stuttered over how close to the truth Remus had come, the other man just laughed and clapped him light heartedly on the back. 'Calm down, I'm just taking the mickey.'

Fabian tucked his bright red hair behind his ears, ducking to hide his relief. 'Actually, I was hoping you would do me a favour,' he started, trying to catch up to Remus as they walked down the stairs. 'You see, Gideon's new class schedule in the morning is completely out of sync with mine which means that he always ends up taking the car.' Fabian wasn't really lying; he was merely concealing the truth. Gideon had offered to leave the car for him since it was easy for him to simply hitch a ride with one of his friends, but Fabian had insisted. Only the best for his brother after all. 'And the bus stop is a long walk away, too. So I was hoping you could drop me off to class just for this month?'

'Only if you don't mind sharing the sidecar with Padfoot.'

Fabian's face fell as he looked at the big black dog trotting beside him, drool flowing freely as its tongue lolled out. It shot an almost evil doggy grin towards him, as if knowing exactly what its owner had asked of Fabian and was very much looking forward to it. 'Er…' Fabian stuttered, wondering if that meant Padfoot would be riding on his lap and if he was willing to go that far for the sake of love.

'I'm joking Fabian,' Remus stated dryly, causing Fabian to sigh in relief. 'But you will have to wear Padfoot's helmet until I buy you a new one.'

They stopped in front of Remus's bike, the man bending down to undo the locks as Fabian took the opportunity to stare at his bum. It was unbelievable how well suited the bike was to Remus; a rich matte burgundy colour with a very lean and wiry body. It was not particularly new and the chrome had dulled in various placed to a grey, but it was beautiful in the most subtle of ways. Fabian let his hand caress the fraying leather seats as he watched Padfoot get into the sidecar with practiced obedience and let its master buckle him securely.

'Get on then.'

Remus didn't have to tell Fabian twice. He certainly didn't have to give Fabian permission to sidle close until they were pressed chest to back and he had his arms wrapped tightly around the other man's waist. And if he boasted to his friends that the really cool bloke dropping him off on his bike was his new boyfriend, Remus certainly didn't hear about it. It didn't matter if it was a lie, because very soon, Fabian would make it the truth.

* * *

**2.9: Family Problems**

'Sirius, can you lend me hair tie and some bobby pins?' Lily asked, washing her hands in the sink. 'Your kitchen is boiling and I'd really rather not cook like this.' She pointed at her long red hair, left open because James thought it made her look stunning. 'Honestly, when you asked us if we wanted to have dinner in your home, I didn't think you'd actually ask us to cook it.'

'Hey, I bought all the groceries, didn't I?' Sirius replied defensively, not even bothering to look at her.

'Sirius, I bought everything. You just got the liquor,' Remus shot out, though he had a playful smile on his face. 'Lily, Sirius should have a few hair ties in the bottom drawer of the dresser in his bedroom. Why don't you go fix your hair up; I'm not much of a cook but I can help under instructions. Which is more than what these two oafs are doing.' He looked pointedly at Sirius and James, who were busy watching the footy match. They looked up long enough to stick their tongues out at their friend before going back to the telly. 'Go on,' he urged, rolling up his sleeves. 'Padfoot, go join Sirius and James,' Lily heard Remus instruct his dog as she left for Sirius's bedroom. 'No puppies in the kitchen.'

Lily snorted. Remus was clearly delusional if he thought that his beast of a dog was still a puppy.

Sirius's bedroom was exactly like Sirius; expensive and messy. While the furniture was tastefully chosen and complimented each other perfectly, the clothes strewn everywhere and the shoddy attempt at vacuuming the floor ruined the aesthetics of the room completely. She toed past a discarded pair of pants, her face twisting in disgust as she wondered if they were used. She nearly tripped over his boots on the floor before she made it to the dresser. 'Damn it,' she cursed as she opened the dresser to find a mimic of the mess outside. She doubted she would be able to find hair ties within the sea of random clothing, pens, old receipts and batteries, condoms, and wads of tissue she tried to avoid touching in fear of what they might have been used for.

It wasn't until she had gotten to the bottom of the drawer that she found Remus's face peeking out of a photograph. 'Hello, handsome,' she catcalled to no one as she pulled it out. It came free of a larger envelope and Lily realised that there were more pictures inside. 'Trust Sirius Black to not even bother buying an album. Honestly!' She pulled it out, with every intention to chastise his disregard and ask him to frame a few pictures for once. The one she had pulled out of Remus was especially nice; it was of him working on one of Sirius's earlier bikes with a look of intense concentration. He was shirtless, the shorts he was wearing riding low on his hips. Lily would have to be blind not to be able to appreciate Remus's body and the definition hours of labour in the garage had brought him. She pulled the pictures out of the envelope and was surprised to see another one of Remus; this time in the lake beside the Potter estate. She moved to the next photograph, which was also of Remus. They  _all_  were, she realised with a frown as she flipped through each one. A niggling doubt settled in her mind as she looked at all the pictures of Remus in different places at different times of their lives. None of the pictures had anyone else in it. Perhaps, Lily reckoned, unwilling to give into speculation, Sirius was holding on to these to give to Remus and kept forgetting?

Any misgivings she had were dispelled when she came across the last picture of Remus. He was lying in bed on his stomach, naked, his arms splayed across the pillow. His amber eyes were hooded as he looked at the camera sleepily. His tousled hair and the sheen of sweat on his skin told Lily exactly what he had been engaged in before this picture was taken. The smile on his face was a warm one yet so different from what she was used to seeing. It was as if he had reserved it for just one special person. There was no way, she realised as she quickly stuffed the photos back in the envelope, no way in which that last photo had been taken platonically. The revelation hit her harder than a brick. Were Remus and Sirius together?

James had, in complete confidence, admitted that he had his doubts about Remus but did not want to confront the man without evidence. But Lily had seen with her own eyes how girls practically fell over Sirius's feet back in school; she had simply assumed that he took advantage of their affections. Yet, judging by the pictures, this  _affair_ had been going for quite some time.

Not knowing what else to do, Lily put everything back in place and used a pen to hold her hair up instead of continuing her fruitless quest for a hair tie. Even as she got up to go back out, she realised that Remus had known exactly where to find hair ties in Sirius's room. She had disregarded it since they were such good friends, but James had certainly not been able to tell anything of the sort. In fact, she realised, as she joined Remus in the kitchen, the man worked with an ease that came only with familiarity. Remus knew where everything was kept without having to ask Sirius and moved around fluidly without any of the awkwardness that came with a new environment.

'James, I think your fiancé's coming on to me. You'd better watch out,' Remus teased as he helped Lily lay the table. 'She's been ogling me the entire day.' He wiggled his eyebrows at her flirtatiously and Lily couldn't help but laugh. 'Lily, if you ever get tired of James, my door will always be open for you.' He purposefully kissed Lily's cheek noisily, earning a smack up the head from James.

Despite Remus noticing her sudden interest in him, she did not stop staring. She was looking for signs, she realised. She was watching both Remus and Sirius so intensely because she wanted to  _see_ it to confirm it. She wanted to see if they truly had a relationship between them or if she had just interpreted the picture wrongly. There could be a lot of explanations for having a naked picture of your best friend in your room, though Lily felt hard pressed to find any. Lily wondered if she should confront them in front of James; just bring out the truth and be done with it. Her raging curiosity could not take it anymore as she realised that  _nothing_ in Remus and Sirius's interactions seemed intimate or out of the ordinary. They acted as they always did and treated each other as they did James; like  _friends_. Her opportunity came when she realised that the boys had drunk too much and were starting to get a little tipsy. James, always the lightweight, had passed out first with his head in Lily's lap. Lily herself had not drank because of the baby, but was feeling exhausted from a day spent in the kitchen. Her eyes had been closed for what only felt like five minutes when she first heard it: the wet sounds of someone kissing.

'Remus, no.'

She opened her eyes to slits, peeking through her eyelashes. Her heart hammered in her chest as she found the boys in a compromising position on the loveseat next to hers. Sirius was lying on his back, legs spilling over the arm rest with Remus straddling his hips and leaning in for a kiss. However, their lips had barely brushed together when Sirius used both hands against Remus's chest to push him off forcefully. Whether from intoxication or Sirius's refusal, Remus lost footing and landed hard on the floor.

'I said, no, Remus!' Sirius snapped, sitting up. 'How fucking drunk are you?'

'Not drunk enough,' Remus bit back, holding a hand to his head where he'd hit it during his fall. 'What is the problem, Sirius? Everyone is asleep!'

'They might wake up.' He looked towards them, and Lily quickly closed her eyes, pretending to sleep. Suddenly, she was no longer curious. Whatever was brewing between the two men, did not look good if their expressions were anything to judge by. Lily now just wanted to go home. 'Have you thought of that while you were trying to fucking manhandle me? What if they saw; then what would we do?'

'What  _if_ they saw?' Remus mumbled, leaning back against the leg of the loveseat, knees folded against his chest. 'Would that be so bad?'

Sirius frowned. 'What are you trying to say?'

'Look, Sirius, I can understand why you would want to keep this a secret from everyone. You've got your position to think of and I respect that. But is it really necessary to keep it from James or even the Potters? James is our best friend; yours longer than mine. And the Potters have practically raised you; they're hardly going to judge.' He turned pleading eyes towards Sirius and Lily felt she needed to argue on Remus's behalf. He was right. Neither of the Potters, her included, would ever judge them over their preferences. James had already accepted Remus without even knowing if his speculations were true. 'I want to tell them, Sirius. We owe them that much.'

'I don't owe them anything!' Sirius growled, glaring at Remus.

'If it hadn't been for them, you would be lying dead in a pool of your own blood right now!' Remus retorted; his eyes turning molten gold with anger. 'They are your family!'

'Exactly!' Sirius sighed in exasperation and slid down the couch to join Remus on the floor. 'Remus, the Potters are the only family I have. My own parents have wiped me out of the family registry and pretend I don't even exist. The only contact they bother to keep is a fat cheque at the end of each month sent by my father's secretary. My brother is  _dead_ ; killed by some chavs he was looking down upon because Mother always taught him we were better than others.' While Lily had always known Sirius hadn't had the most pleasant home life; she had never thought it to be this bad. She felt sorry for all the times she was harsh with him in school. 'I have  _no one_ left but the Potters. Don't you see?' He held Remus's hands gently within his own. 'If I tell them, I risk the chance of losing them and the only family I have  _again_.'

Remus's face softened. 'I am at as much risk as you, but if we do this together-'

'No!' Sirius replied vehemently. 'You are  _not_  in as much risk as me. If the Potters ask you to not come back tomorrow, Remus, you go back to your old life. You have always lived alone, eaten alone, taken care of yourself  _alone._ You never had a family to start with, so you don't know what you're losing. What it's like to crave them, to want their love and attention. So don't tell me you know how I feel. I have a lot more to lose from this than you.'

Lily had to put a hand to her mouth to mask her gasp. The silence that followed was deafening, punctuated only by Sirius's harsh breaths as he realised the weight of his words. 'Remus, I'm sorry,' he sounded mortified with himself and touched a hand to his lips as if unable to believe that he had said something so horrible. 'Remus, I'm sorry. That's not what I-'

'Sometimes Sirius,' Remus cut him off quietly, standing up. 'You can be so cruel.'

'No, Remus, wait!' Sirius pleaded as Remus woke Padfoot up and urged him off the rug he had curled up in. 'I just got angry,' he tried to rationalise, though Lily thought it was a shoddy reason and Remus had every right to be cross. 'You know me, Remus, you know that sometimes I say things in a fit of anger. Let's talk about this. Just,  _stay,_ okay. Don't go.'

'Stay?' Remus laughed bitterly. 'For how long, Sirius? An hour? Two? Certainly not the whole night; God forbid someone sees me coming out of your flat in the morning, looking fucked, and puts the puzzle together.' When Sirius had nothing more to say, Remus shook his head sadly and beckoned Padfoot to follow him out. 'It's been two years, Sirius,' Remus whispered miserably, as he slipped into his shoes. 'Just throw me a fucking bone already.'

* * *

**2.10: Party Crushing**

'I thought you said you were going to come.' Fabian crossed his arms and pouted.

'I said I would consider,' Remus replied, turning away but leaving the door open for Fabian to enter. 'I've considered and I've  _decided_ not to come.' His dog, Padfoot circled around his legs again and again in play. Fabian had discovered early on that Remus's pup (bear) was quite silly. 'Padfoot doesn't like big crowds and I don't like going anywhere without him, unless I absolutely have to. Come, boy.' Padfoot trotted after Remus obediently and was rewarded with a bowl full of kibble. 'Padfoot, I want you to finish all of it, you hear? Even the icky green ones. Don't think you can hide those under the carpet when I'm not looking.'

Padfoot whined.

'Padfoot will eat all his greens if Remus agrees to come to the party, won't you, boy?' Fabian pursued, patting Padfoot indulgently behind the ears. Never one to reject affection, Padfoot wagged his tail and gave Fabian a fantastically kibble coated lick of love. 'Come on, Remus! Gideon will be really disappointed if you don't come to his birthday party.'

'Fabian, Gideon barely knows me.' Remus rolled his eyes. 'He's seen me all of once when we were throwing the trash together. I very much doubt he'll suffer any heartbreak from my absence.'

'I'll be disappointed, too!' Fabian argued. This was his chance to get even closer to Remus and he would be damned before he let it go.

'Look, Fabian,' Remus sighed exasperatedly. 'I am too old to be in a party full of wild eighteen year olds.'

'You are nineteen!' Fabian exclaimed, appalled at all the ridiculous excuses Remus was coming up with. 'And so are Gideon's friends.'

'I have nothing to wear,' Remus argued persistently.

'Then wear nothing!' Fabian smiled sheepishly when he realised he had voiced his true thoughts aloud. 'Let me see your cupboard; I'm sure we'll be able to find  _something_ decent.' He didn't wait for permission as he marched into Remus's bedroom and flopped on to the bed. He tried not to let himself get too carried away as he realised that this was the first time he had ever come into the man's bedroom. 'Go on then, show me!' Fabian commanded, leaning against the headboard and making himself comfortable. When Remus turned away to rifle through his clothes, he used the opportunity to smell the sheets. Just like Remus, they smelled overpoweringly of chocolate and petrol. It was when he was sniffing the right pillow (after having finished with the left) that he noticed the orange pill bottle on the bedside table. 'You have seizures?' he asked, puzzled as he read over the prescription.

Remus turned back to look at him. 'Ah, yeah. Since I was little, but the doctors said they would try weaning me off medication in a few years. I didn't think that was written on the prescription.'

'It's not,' Fabian confirmed, straightening. Beside the pill bottle, there were a box of luxurious Belgian chocolates and an expensive watch box that looked barely open. They were very out of place, since Remus was the type who did not own a lot of pricey possessions and ate one specific brand of chocolate. Sure enough, when Fabian tilted his head, he could see an unsigned card that read:  _Sorry._ 'I'm studying medicine, remember? I'd be a pretty terrible student if I couldn't tell you what these did.' He jiggled the bottle pointedly before putting them back on. 'Wear that one. It looks good with your skin.'

Remus raised an eyebrow. 'Green looks good with my skin? Should I just stop washing and grow fungus instead?'

' _Bottle green_  looks good with your skin. Details, Remus!'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'It's a miracle you were in the closet for so long,' he commented on the story Fabian had shared while riding together about how he'd come out to his parents. Fabian had really used it as a Segway to let Remus know that he was gay and very much available. 'Your girlfriends must have had a nightmarish time with you.'

Fabian felt his jaw drop as Remus pulled his shirt off to reveal the most mouth-watering sight he had ever seen. Despite his pale skin and thin frame, every muscle in Remus's body was strongly defined and rippled with the smallest of movements. There was a smattering of pale hair across his chest and lower where his trousers had slipped a little too far down. Somehow, black oil smudges had made their way even under Remus's shirt; mostly on his shoulders where Remus had probably rubbed sore muscles; his stomach when he scratched his belly under his t-shirt; and in the centre of his chest where he had probably fingered the platinum ring that hung around his neck on a silver chain. Fabian could see the inscription but could not read it from afar. A jolt of jealousy coursed through him.

'If I don't like it there, I'm leaving,' Remus grouched, breaking Fabian out of his stupor. He walked out the door, expecting Fabian to follow him. 'And if anyone tries to do anything to Padfoot, the last thing they'll see is my fist. Come, boy!' He called his dog, who was immediately at his heels.

'What could anyone possibly try and do to Padfoot?' Fabian asked, puzzled, as Remus locked his front door.

'They could try and steal him. Padfoot is a very beautiful puppy; everyone would want him.'

Fabian checked to see if Remus was serious and was surprised to find that the man's face was completely sombre. He looked at the dog walking between them; six feet tall from nose to tail and still growing. Every time his massive tail wagged, Fabian could feel a gust of wind blow into them. The dog had to weigh at least sixty five kilograms, judging by the way the sofa bounced and creaked whenever Padfoot got on top of it in order to snuggle with his master. If someone told Fabian that Remus's impeccable abdominal muscles were a result of having to carry his big lug of a dog around like a lap puppy, he would not be surprised.

'Ready to have some fun?' Fabian asked, turning the handle to his and his brother's flat. The sound of loud music hit them hard in the face and Fabian could see Remus cringing, while Padfoot hid behind his legs with his ears flat on his head. He could already see Remus's feet move as he backed away and quickly grabbed the man by the wrist before he decided to run. 'Come on!' He practically had to drag Remus inside, Padfoot keeping close at their heels and growling at random guests who didn't make way for them. The path in front of them cleared quickly and Fabian smirked, 'It's like your Padfoot's little princess,' he teased, pointing out the wide berth people gave them because of the protective black dog that circled his master. 'Next he'll be laying out flower petals at your feet.' Fabian dodged the hand that tried to smack up his head. 'Dance with me?' He asked, already taking both of Remus's hands in his.

'There are people here,' Remus warned, pulling his hands away and looking warily around them. 'Have you gone mad?'

Fabian quirked an eyebrow. 'Look around you, Remus, no one cares. Least of all me.' He took Remus's hands in his again. 'I worked up a lot of courage to finally come out; I'm not going back in. This is the eighties; no one tells me what to do.' He smirked when Remus looked at him in surprise. To prove his point, Fabian positioned both of Remus's hands on his shoulders, while he put his own on Remus's waist. 'You are free to be whoever you want to be when you're with me, you get that?' He started to sway slowly, even though the music playing was much more up tempo, in an effort to loosen Remus up. 'Hey, look at me.' He pulled Remus by the chin to face him, meeting worried amber eyes. There is no one here to judge you and if they dare, then I'm here to protect you. Well, my brother is better at throwing a punch and looking at you, I can tell you're more than capable of taking care of yourself.' Fabian wandered off topic, delighted when Remus finally laughed. 'Look, just be yourself. No one here is going to tell you to hide behind layers of lies.' To make his point, he pulled out the chain around Remus's neck that had been nestled inside his shirt the entire time.

Remus looked at him in shock.

'What, you didn't think I'd notice?' Fabian asked, almost bitterly. 'Come on, Remus, I  _always_ notice. At first I thought it was casual sex, but it isn't, is it? It's always the same bloke sneaking out of your apartment; always covers his face and never stays the night. He buys you pretty expensive gifts and makes fake promises, but never really tells you he loves you.' The last part was an assumption but the look on Remus's face told him that Fabian had hit very close to home. 'All this, to have you as his kept whore.'

He expected the slap; Fabian thought he deserved it for telling the truth so bluntly. He could have been discrete and understanding, but the thought would not have stuck in Remus's head for long enough. He was not being manipulative, Fabian reasoned; he was simply making the best of an opportunity that was already there. 'I've seen a lot of men like him, Remus. I've dated a few, too, and I can tell you now that he will  _never_ admit to loving you back.'

Remus shook his head, shoving Fabian away from him. 'He isn't like that. Don't fucking talk about what you don't know.'

'You will always be his dirty little secret,' Fabian continued, relentless, holding Remus still by the shoulders. He ignored Padfoot's warning growls. 'It'll start with him promising you that you'll be together some day, but not now. And before you know it, he has a wife and kids, and you're nothing but a bit on the side that he comes to when he realises he needs that fuck that his wife can't give him. It's a pattern, Remus. It  _always_ happens.'

'I told you, he's not like that!' Remus snarled, wrenching away from Fabian yet again. His face was turning steadily red from anger and his breath coming out in sharp bursts. 'I  _know_ him. I've known him for a long time, and he's loyal and he's just. He has zero tolerance for double standards, so if he wanted me gone, he would just say so. So fuck you for just assuming things about people you don't know.' His fists clenched and Fabian wondered if Remus would punch him. Already, there were a few turning heads as Padfoot's growls got fiercer and Remus's voice got dangerously lower. 'He cares for me a lot,' Remus continued to defend. Fabian had never seen him lose his cool or speak so much. 'From the very beginning, he said he would treat me as a friend and a lover, nothing less.'

'And nothing more,' Fabian retorted calmly. 'What you need to wonder, Remus, is has he ever treated you like a  _partner._ If not, then find someone who will. _'_ This time the punch did come and though it hurt like a bitch, Fabian thought it was worth it. Remus deserved more and Fabian had already decided that he would be that more.

The seed had been planted.

It was only a matter of time until Remus was his.

* * *

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)

**Part 2: How We Unravelled**

**2.11: Faith in the Absent**

When the doorbell rang for a second time, Remus lost hope of it being Sirius. He felt Padfoot shuffle restlessly in the circle of his arms and despite the pain in his muscles, he released his hold to allow the pup to go and answer the door. To lend to his agony, his head throbbed insistently and his skin burned with fever. Padfoot's presence was only just keeping him sane and Remus was eternally grateful for the endless patience his normally fidgety dog showed with him. His relief, however, came moments later when a blissfully cool hand rested against his fevered forehead and brushed his hair out of his face.

'Christ, you must have had a bad one this time.'

Remus's eyes shot open to meet the concerned gaze of his neighbour, Fabian Prewett. His face automatically set into a scowl.

'You don't have to look at me like that,' Fabian said, clearly hurt. 'I came to apologise for my behaviour the day before.' He held up a bouquet of flowers and a box of Remus's favourite chocolates. 'They're not expensive but they're heartfelt.' He set them on the bedside table and then poured a glass of water, touching it to Remus's lips after helping him sit up. Remus wondered how Fabian knew he'd been thirsty. 'I'm sorry for what I said. I was out of line and it wasn't really my place to make assumptions about your life.'

'It really wasn't,' Remus replied in a hard tone, then sighed unable to maintain his anger any longer as Fabian looked at him with eyes full of guilt. It didn't help that those eyes were rimmed with bruises that Remus's generous fist had given him. Remus swallowed the water too quickly, his throat convulsing painfully and was thankful when Fabian rubbed his back in slow circles. 'Fabian, you're a good lad and a good mate, but you need to learn when to mind your own business.'

Despite Remus's anger, he honestly thought Fabian was a decent person. He was brilliant with Padfoot and always offered to accompany Remus on walks. He sometimes offered to help Remus with his groceries and garbage, and even occasionally helped drag a very reluctant Padfoot to the groomers. He was also good company, since they seemed to share the same taste in movies, music and food; this was important now more than ever as Sirius's schedules got tighter and his visits less frequent.

Remus looked towards the telephone, wondering if Sirius would at least give him a call. Sirius's number was automatically set to redial and Padfoot was trained to call him whenever Remus had very serious seizures. Initially, Padfoot used to call the Potter residence, since Mrs. Potter had assigned herself Remus's primary caretaker after his debacle with Sirius's mother at a party. But Sirius had insisted he take over the position shortly after, promising Mrs. Potter to always take care of Remus no matter what. In the past two years, Sirius had always kept his promise, so Remus was unwilling to believe that he would break it this time. There were many plausible excuses, Remus knew, but they were wearing thin in his mind as more time passed and his agony grew.

'Have you had anything to eat?'

Remus shook his head. Sirius usually cooked something for him; and while Padfoot was trained to go and fetch food from the local diner (who was familiar with Remus's condition), he was loathed to part with him. After seizures, Remus often needed comfort more than food; he spent most of the time sleeping the exhaustion and pain in his muscles off. In fact, the only reason he was awake at this very moment despite his fatigue was Sirius; because Remus believed with utter conviction that Sirius would come. Sirius  _always_ came. Almost as if sensing his distress, Padfoot, who had been circling Fabian's legs, joined Remus on the bed and snuggled close.

Fabian hummed as he brought his face close to Remus's and tilted his head side to side in inspection. He pulled Remus's eyelids back, checked inside his mouth, his ears, and even his bare arms and neck. 'Perhaps you would be better off not eating. You threw up this time, didn't you?' Remus wondered if it was his breath that gave him away. 'I'll drop by later with some food and a little more medication. Till then, you can work off of what you have.'

Saying so, he pulled open the third drawer of the bedside cabinet, fishing out two tablet strips and a bottle that Remus couldn't quite name. A lot of the medication in his drawer had been bought for him by Sirius or the Potters and were only used when Remus was in their care. Remus himself didn't know what many of them did. He watched as Fabian walked to the bathroom and then came back with a couple more prescription bottles. Remus could not help but wonder with a frown, when Fabian had acquainted himself to his flat well enough to know where things were kept. It had certainly not come up in conversation and Remus didn't exactly make it a habit of showing his prescriptions to his neighbours.

'I just didn't want to see you getting hurt,' Fabian said after a while as he sorted through the medicine. The sudden change of topic caught Remus off guard and he blinked a little in confusion at first. 'I guess I was projecting some of my bad memories onto you, without considering that your situation may be different.' He lined up all the tablets, then poured Remus another glass of water. Remus dutifully took them, swallowing each pill with a grimace. 'I'm tired of people thinking that we have no feelings or that we're incapable of monogamy. There's this misconception that the reason we're gay is because we want to sleep around and because of that, we get taken advantage of.' Fabian sighed, his eyes sad. 'These misconceptions are used as an excuse for cruelty and I just wanted to protect you from that.'

Remus felt he had very little to say in response without sounding flakey or pitying; neither of which seemed like a good option. So he kept quiet, allowing Fabian to tuck both him and Padfoot in tightly. Whatever Fabian had given him had relaxed his muscles considerably and they no longer felt like acid over his creaky bones. 'I'm sorry,' he murmured under his breath, looking at the telephone one last time before letting his heavy eyelids fall shut. He smiled when Padfoot licked his face affectionately and put a heavy paw over his torso in a hug. 'I'm sorry,' he mumbled again, because that definitely felt the right thing to say. 'But Sirius would never do that to me.'

And Remus believed it, because much, much later, he felt thin fingers stroking his hair even after he fell asleep.

It had to be Sirius.

Who else would kiss him so tenderly on the lips and make breathy promises to always be there for him.

It  _had_ to be Sirius.

* * *

**2.12: Wedding Bells**

'Ladies and Gentlemen today has been an amazing occasion and it is with a mixture of joy and relief that my speech draws to a close, joy for you and relief for me.' The crowd laughed. 'Before we raise a toast to the happy couple I would like to finish my Best Man speech by thanking you all for your ears and sense of humour, God knows at times during my speech you needed it. To the Wedding Party I would like to finish by saying the pleasure has been all mine.' Sirius raised his glass as he looked at James and Lily with unbridled affection. 'To James and Lily!' The whole hall chorused after Sirius, raising their champagne glasses and clinking them together. Remus took an obligatory sip out of his and then slid it away. He had a feeling he would be driving Sirius home tonight; and if Remus were lucky, he would be able to stay over at Sirius's for the night as well.

He looked at James and Lily across the table and felt his lips pull into a smile. They really did look good together. Lily had worn an embroidered flowy white wedding dress that fell over her six month old bump and stopped at her knees. Her red hair had been left open to fall mid back, exactly how James liked it, with a gold flower crown atop her head. Her make up too had been kept minimal, letting her emerald green eyes and radiant smile shine through. James, like the little lord he was, had decided to wear extravagance to his wedding; from his expensive custom tailored suit, down to his pure leather shoes. His excitement over getting married to the love of his life was clearly contagious, as he danced and sang and kissed strange old ladies (presumably relatives). Remus found himself getting up with a laugh, when James had pulled him out of his seat onto the dance floor.

'I've said it before, but damn, Lupin, you clean up well.'

'Frank!' Remus exclaimed in surprise, pulling the man who had been standing behind him into a tight embrace. 'I'm so glad you could make it! It's been ages since I've seen you. You sneaky bugger, you said you would be in touch and then barely even called.'

Frank laughed and hugged Remus back, resting his chin on Remus's shoulder. 'I'm sorry; I've been a bit busy these past few months. What with the permanent move to Cardiff and then Alice getting pregnant.' He lingered a little before pulling away. 'What a coincidence, eh? Lily and Alice's due dates are the same; who would have thought!' He accepted a drink offered by one of the waiters. 'So what about you? How are things at your end?'

For just a second, Remus considered telling Frank everything like he used to when they were younger. Telling Frank that while he could not be happier with Sirius in his life, there were also moments of un-fulfillment. 'Brilliant,' he lied, looking away and taking a sip out of his own glass of orange juice. 'We just signed a deal with the Japanese, and Mr. Potter is thinking of having me train under them. There have been a lot of people approaching us as well, so we're struggling to employ and train as many as we can. Mr. Potter is also thinking of expanding the range to utility motorbikes; to gear for the home market.'

The pride in Frank's eyes was clear as he listened raptly to Remus talk about his work. 'You're doing well for yourself then.' He laid a hand on Remus's shoulder, thumb rubbing circles into the fabric of his suit. 'It feels surreal thinking about where you started, but in a good way. I'm really happy for you.' He leaned in closer so that only the two of them could heard what he was about to say next. 'Listen, about that favour you asked of me…I'm still collecting what I can, but I can promise you an envelope by next month.' Remus's eyes widened. 'There's a surprising amount of data available, but not to public. So I'm pulling strings and trying to find out as much as I can. Remus, I'm going to ask you again: are you sure you want this? Digging up the past never does anyone any good.'

Remus nodded, his face somber. 'I want to know, Frank. I need some kind of closure about my parents. Mr. Potter has told me all he can, but there are gaps I need to fill. I-' He stopped talking and straightened up when he saw Sirius walking towards them.

'Frank, Alice is looking for you,' Sirius informed, directing a cool gaze towards Frank. The air between the two men crackled as they stared each other down. It was as if they were challenging each other and just when Remus was about to fake a dry cough to break the tension, it broke. 'I'll take you to her,' Sirius offered when Frank nodded.

Remus frowned, eyes following after the two men. He was sure he had seen Alice sitting with Lily at the table, comparing baby bumps. Yet, Frank and Sirius had gone the other way. Wondering if they'd made a mistake, he went after them. He followed them past the throng of guests to the garden outside the hall, where guests had avoided coming because of the summer heat. As Remus slipped past the sliding door, the humid air suffocated his nostrils. He loosened his collar to let some air in, while his eyes searched for Frank and Sirius. He could hear them talking, but could not see them due to the white shade tents that were pitched in multiple rows across the garden. He followed the sound of their voices and was just about to call for Frank, when he heard Sirius's characteristic angry growl.

'Keep your dirty hands off him. You've had your chance and you blew it, so fuck off!'

Sirius had Frank by the lapels of his suit. 'I wasn't doing anything!' Frank snapped back, trying to dislodge Sirius's grip forcefully. 'Get off of me, Black!'

'Oh please,' Sirius spat, pushing his face right up to Frank's so that they were nose to nose. 'I saw the way you were touching him and looking at him. You can fool your wife with those lies, but I know better.' Sirius looked like he had every intention to kill Frank, as a storm raged inside his grey eyes. His shoulders were wound tight and his lips were pulled back in a fearsome snarl. Remus was just going to intervene when Sirius said something to make him stop. 'You regret leaving Remus. The only fucking reason you even came today is because it gave you an excuse to see him.'

Remus felt his breath hitch and he quickly moved to hide behind a panel of the tent's hangings. He shouldn't be listening in, he knew. He knew full well that Sirius's jealousy was unfounded and just foolishness of his part. He also knew that Frank saw him as nothing but a good friend and Remus was thankful for that because it would make their relationship awkward otherwise. But something about the conversation drew him in. Just having his name mentioned between the two men kept him glued to the spot, wanting to hear more but at the same time, wanting to close his ears and hear nothing.

'I regret nothing!' Frank screamed so loudly that it even took Remus by surprise. 'Do you know why, Sirius? Because in the end, I did what I had to.' His voice quietened and he looked up Sirius with eyes full of remorse. 'Yes, I loved him. I still love him, so fucking much that just looking at him is painful.' Remus felt his heart clench. 'But loving him will never amount to anything. Remus cannot give me the happiness of my parents and family; social status; a home; a child.'

Remus could not look at Sirius from fear of what his reaction would be. His greatest fear was that Sirius would finally realise the limitations of being in a relationship with Remus. Just like Frank had. Remus could not look. So he stared at his shoes instead, trying to keep his breaths from becoming too shallow as he waited for Sirius to speak. To tell Frank off about spouting nonsense and defend their relationship together. To tell Frank that love  _was_ enough. Sirius  _did_ love him, didn't he?

'Oh, don't look so shocked, Sirius. It isn't as if this is news to you.' Frank laughed bitterly. 'We come from the same kind of families and we always do what is expected of us, because we both know what the consequences are if we don't.' The issue of Sirius's disownment hung heavy in the air. 'Even the Potters, who are ridiculously liberal, were wary about Lily, weren't they?' Sirius's silence was enough of an affirmative. Even Remus, who had helped organise the whole wedding had not known this. 'She's middle class, after all, with no discernible family name and mixed roots. All this fuss over a woman just because she's part Scottish. What do you think people are going to say when you walk in with Remus: a poor, discarded, Welsh  _bloke_?'

'Fuck you. Remus isn't…'

Remus turned away, unwilling to hear any more. It didn't matter that Sirius might be defending him against Frank. It didn't matter because what Frank had said had been completely true. Remus could already see Sirius struggling to maintain social norms and expectations. It was only a matter of time before Sirius would realise that he could not keep things up with Remus anymore and leave, just like Frank had. Remus understood it; this need for social acceptance. The importance of having a family, a home, children: a normal life. But that did not mean he could control the burgeoning hatred that rose within his chest. Hatred towards the world for condemning him; hatred toward Sirius for never loving Remus enough; and hatred towards himself for his own faults and limitations.

Unable to bear any more heartache, Remus quickly pushed into the bathroom. 'Stop it, Remus,' he scolded himself harshly as tears pooled in his eyes. He looked up at the mirror and hated what he saw; a pathetic man despairing over nothing. Remus hated crying; he hated the weakness that came with it and the admission of the fact that he was not as strong as he made himself out to be. He wished Padfoot were here, but they had a strict 'no pets policy' in the hall. 'Stop it, damn it!' He banged against the counter top sink angrily.

'Remus?'

Unaware that anyone else had been there, Remus startled and turned around. 'Mrs. Potter!' he exclaimed, quickly wiping away his face and turning away from her before she could see. 'What are you doing here? This is the men's toilet.' He turned on the tap in front of him, so that the running water would mask the tremble in his voice. He pretended to wash his face to mask the tear tracks.

'Remus, this is the women's toilet.'

Only then did the lack of urinals hit him. Remus had been so distressed, he had barely noticed. He felt foolish in so many ways. 'Ah, sorry.' He laughed, running wet hands through his hair. 'I mustn't have read the signs properly. I should-'

Mrs. Potter held him in place with a hand on his forearm. 'Honey, are you all right?'

'Of course, of course,' Remus tried to brush off not entirely unaware of the droplets that fell from his eyes at her question. He hoped she wouldn't notice them. 'Weddings, you know. They always make me tear up a little.'

'Oh, baby, come here,' Dorea wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a hug. She met very little resistance from Remus, who by now, was feeling vulnerable and stupid for reacting the way he was. 'Remus, tell me what's wrong,' she pleaded, stroking his back softly. Remus resisted the urge to break down in front of her and tell her everything. Of all the Potters, Dorea had been most like a family to him. She treated him like a son; fussing over him, trying to feed him as she complained over how thin he was;  _crying_ for him when he was ill again from a bad seizure. 'Remus, what is it?' She asked, when he let out a large dry sob. She wiped away his eyes as he shook his head, unable to say anything. 'Shh, it's okay,' Dorea reassured softly, running her fingers through his hair as he laid his head on her shoulder. 'Whatever it is, it will be all right, sweetheart. Shh, don't cry. I'm here. I'm here.'

* * *

**2.13: By Your Side**

Sirius slipped in behind Remus quietly to avoid jostling the other man. Though he knew Remus was far from asleep just by the way he was breathing, Sirius did not want to agitate him any further. 'You left. I was looking for you everywhere,' he whispered quietly, kissing the back of Remus's head as he slipped his arms around him. Padfoot's fur brushed against his fingers and the dog lifted his head far enough to look over Remus's shoulder curiously. When he saw it was just Sirius, he laid his head back down again sleepily.

'I'm sorry,' Remus murmured. He did not push back against Sirius to create a tight spoon like he usually did. 'I know you needed someone to drive you.'

'I wasn't planning on getting drunk.' Sirius's fingers slipped underneath Remus's shirt, rubbing soothing circles into the pale skin underneath. 'Dorea told me you left the hall very upset.' Wording it like that was an understatement. Dorea had told Sirius that Remus had been sobbing without a word said in between, despite her trying to coax out the issue.

Remus breathed in so sharply, Sirius could feel the man's stomach hollow underneath his hands. 'I was just feeling ill.'

'She told me you were crying.' Remus had been fine when Sirius had last seen him at the reception; his smile had never seemed brighter and he had even been dancing. But then Frank had come along and whispered something in Remus's ears, and while Sirius had dragged the bastard away, he still came back to a concerned Dorea and an absent Remus. He could only assume that whatever Frank had said to Remus caused this. He felt a surge of anger towards Frank and he regretted not having hit the man when he had had the chance to. A niggling part of his brain supplied that Remus might still have feelings for Frank, but Sirius tried not to dwell on it like he always did. Remus  _loved_ Sirius. No one else. Just Sirius.

'She told you wrong,' Remus replied stubbornly.

'Remus.' Sirius's tone was low in warning.

'You should go now Sirius.' Remus moved away from Sirius's embrace as far as he could with Padfoot occupying the other side. It was far enough for Sirius's hands to slip from Remus's stomach to his sides instead. 'It's already eleven.'

'I'm staying tonight,' Sirius said without thinking, surprising even himself. He had never stayed over at Remus's house nor had he ever allowed Remus to stay over at his. Not since he'd moved out of the Potter's home and lost excuses of bunking with friends because there was no room. But then, Sirius had also never seen Remus so upset since Mr. Potter had told the boy the truth about his parents. Even then, Remus had only just barely cried.

The admission took Remus, too, by shock, and he turned in Sirius's arms to look up at him. 'What about-?'

'I'm staying,' Sirius replied firmly. It was the least he could do after not having showed up for Remus's last seizure, because he had been in practices during that time. Though Remus himself didn't seem bothered by it and certainly didn't raise the issue, Sirius felt that he had somehow failed him as a lover. 'I'm staying,' he repeated in hopes that it would wipe away that look of helplessness on Remus's face. He cupped both of Remus's cheeks and kissed him gently. 'I'm here for as long as you need me.' Sirius kissed him again. And again. And again. Until Remus was kissing him back with passion and clinging on to Sirius so desperately that not an iota of space remained between them. 'What is it?' he asked, looking into Remus's eyes searchingly. 'Remus, tell me.'

Remus shook his head and buried his face into the crook of Sirius's neck. 'Touch me,' he requested softly, kissing Sirius's collarbone and making his way upwards. 'Please.' He took Sirius's right hand in his own and gently pushed it to the front of his trousers. 'Touch me so that I know this is real. That you're here.'

Sirius felt his breath hitch as Remus's hands slipped into his shirt and touched one of his nipples. 'Why would you say that?' Sirius asked, gasping when sharp teeth nipped at his neck, just behind his earlobe. 'Remus, wait.  _Ah!_ ' He stilled Remus's hands by the wrist, forcing the other man to look up at him. Slowly, he pulled Remus's right hand and placed it in the left side of his chest, where his heart had begun to beat at a frantic pace. 'This  _is_ real.' He placed one of his own hands on Remus's chest, finding a matching rhythm. 'I will always be here for you,' he promised, closing his fingers around the ring hung around Remus's neck. ' _Forever.'_

Remus eyes glowed momentarily. 'Then prove it.'

Sirius pulled Remus in for a deep kiss, tangling their tongues together in a slow dance that was familiar only to them. This time, Sirius took it slow, pushing his hand past the waistband of Remus's boxers while the other twisted in Remus's hair to keep him pulling away. Sirius's strokes on Remus's cock were slow, drawing out and earning each moan that slipped out of the other man's lips. Keeping up the pace, he pulled out his own erection, taking both into his hands and creating a delicious friction between both their cocks. Every time they thrust into each other, their bellies collided, sticky from pre-come. Sirius's other hand rested on Remus's arse, feeling the clench and release of the muscle as they sped up when their orgasms drew near. With a muffled cry, Remus buried his face into Sirius's shoulder as he came; his body shaking from the force of his orgasm. Shortly after, Sirius's vision went white.

'Don't leave me,' Sirius heard Remus say once he'd come down from his high. 'Don't leave me.'

Sirius sighed and stroked Remus's hair gently. 'I'm here,' he said again, frustrated at Remus's silence and his own helplessness over the situation. Remus had him in a death grip, holding him by the waist so tightly that Sirius could not even move if he wanted to. 'I'm here.' He kissed Remus's temple, vowing to himself that the next time he saw Frank, he would not spare his fist. 'I'm here. Go to sleep.'

'I love you.'

Sirius felt a smile tug the corner of his lips and he kissed Remus's hair again. 'Go to sleep.'

* * *

**2.14: The Other Window**

Remus was looking out the balcony again. Unlike all the other tenants enjoying the autumn breeze, Remus was neither looking at the cars passing by nor the children playing in park. He was waiting. Over the past few weeks, Fabian had noticed a new pattern. On the days he saw Remus on his balcony, smoking, he heard the tell-tale moans of two people having sex through the walls at night. It was always the same routine. It would start with a phone call after which Remus would move to the balcony, smoking and waiting, sometimes for hours. His lover, who Fabian discovered had a name now- Sirius, would come in by motorbike.

The bike was very different from Remus's in that it was a rich black colour, polished to a high shine. It also made significantly more noise than Remus's, which was a good thing because it signalled exactly when he was coming in. Not that it helped; Fabian had tried to intercept  _Sirius_  multiple times in the stairway but the man always wore a biker's helmet. He had even tried to knock the damn thing over by pretending to have stumbled into the man, but  _Sirius_  had a much more solid build than Fabian and all his stumbling achieved was a gruff, ' _watch it!'._ So far, all Fabian knew about Sirius was that he had black hair, long enough to poke out from underneath a helmet.

On days that were particularly lucky for Fabian,  _Sirius_ and Remus fought. Though Fabian could never clearly make out the words, the raised voices came through his bedroom wall. Unfortunately, such days were rare and were only getting rarer. Fabian had an inkling that Remus was starting to protest less over the man's absences because he had either given up or was desperately trying to hold on to what he had. Either way, it would end in a win-win situation for Fabian, so it was really a matter of waiting it out now.

Fabian looked up and waved. He smiled, when Remus waved back hesitantly. The other man's lips were tinged slightly blue from standing out in the chill and Fabian itched to run up the stairs and kiss them till they were bruised red. He had only been able to savour the taste of Remus's lips once, that day when he had been taking care of the him after a seizure, and it had been everything he had ever dreamed off. Remus's lips had been warm and chapped, and had fit so perfectly within Fabian's. And though it had been just a chaste brush of lips on Fabian's part, it had sent jolts of electricity running through him nonetheless.

'Fay, I need you to stop this,' Gideon, his older brother by two years stated the minute he walked in through the front door of their flat. He was standing with Fabian's book bag in one hand and a handful of photographs of Remus in the other. They were photographs Fabian had meant to put up on his wall later, but had delayed it because he sometimes fancied looking at them in between classes.

Consciously, he looked towards his bedroom door before remembering that he had locked it before leaving and there was no way Gideon could have gotten in. In retrospect, Gideon would also not have looked this calm if he  _had_  gone into Fabian's room and found an entire wall covered with photographs and sketches of Remus, along with small notes made in Remus's handwriting – anything from a shopping list to a casual doodle.

'Haven't you learned your lesson after that punch in the face?' Gideon continued, practically flinging the photographs and Fabian's book bag on the coffee table. Fabian only just resisted the urge to protect his pictures, though he could not keep his eye from twitching when one of them folded slightly in the corner. 'Fabian,  _do not_  interfere in other people's business, especially not Remus Lupin. You were lucky the bloke didn't knock you out.'

Fabian dug his fingernails into his palms to keep himself from reaching out for his things. 'No harm done. You were there to save me, weren't you?'

Gideon shot his brother an incredulous look. 'Fay, I didn't do a single thing. He bloody apologised and even brought a bag of ice from the fridge. He even checked up on you the next day to make sure you were okay. You were lucky he's so mild mannered because he's strong as a fucking ox. There is no way I could have taken him.' He sighed and flopped down on the sofa, patting the seat beside him as an invitation for Fabian to join. 'Fay, ever since I was little, I've looked out for you. I've fought your bullies for you; I talked to mum and dad for you when you came out; I even bloody punched your old boyfriends for you. But this time, you're really out of your depth here. You told me this bloke already has a boyfriend.'

'He does,' Fabian confirmed, sitting down beside his brother and toeing off his shoes.

'Then why the hell are you chasing after him?'

'Because I want him!' Fabian knew how childish he sounded. It was further confirmed by Gideon's eye roll and exasperated sigh. 'You don't understand, Gid, this bloke of his doesn't deserve him!'

'And I assume you do?' Gideon asked, eyebrow raised.

'Yes!' Fabian exclaimed, throwing his hands up and flopping backwards into the couch. 'Gid, Remus deserves someone who won't keep shoving him further and further in the closet and taking him out like a forgotten toy only when he feels the need to play with him. He deserves someone who will take care of him; go out with him; make him smile and laugh. Someone who will  _love_ him.' He leaned his head back, looking at his brother upside down. 'And I  _love_ him.'

'No,' Gideon replied harshly, though the bite from his words were taken out when he wound a protective arm around Fabian's shoulders. 'Fay, you're drawn to him because in your eyes, he's fragile, and you feel the need to protect him.' His voice was kind and understanding, but like always, it was clear that Gideon's renowned infinite patience was wearing thin with his brother. 'I have said this before, do  _not_ seek out trouble for yourself. Leave this Remus bloke  _alone._ His problems are his to deal with; I don't want you trying to play hero and ending up as the martyr instead.' Fabian was clearly unwilling to listen and this only made Gideon grit his teeth in anger. 'Fay, if you decide to try and continue with this game of yours, I'm not going to have any part in this. You  _are_ going to get hurt and you are going to hurt  _others._ So stop now while you can. Just…' He threw his hands up, 'Why can't you try and date someone single; like one of the Weasleys! Molly told me Sean is gay.'

Fabian face crinkled with disgust. 'Aren't the Weasleys our second cousins?'

'Oh, so you have no problems trying to break up someone else's relationship, but suddenly you've decided to take the moral high ground about dating second cousins?' Gideon shot back. 'Fay, please. Just listen to me for once in your life and leave Lupin alone!'

Fabian tuned his brother out. It didn't matter what Gideon said. He  _wanted_ Remus Lupin. He wanted Remus Lupin so fucking badly, it hurt. Remus was all he could think about every second of ever day; in class, whilst driving, whilst talking to his friends, even at night when his hands would slip under the waistband of his pants and he would stare at the pictures lining his wall till be came with a soft cry. Fabian _needed_ Remus Lupin.

And Fabian would have him at all cost.

* * *

**2.15: Giving Life**

'OH MY GOD!' Lily's scream echoed through the maternity halls, startling both Remus and Sirius in their chairs. 'JAMES POTTER, YOU BASTARD, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! DON'T ASK ME TO CALM DOWN WHEN I'M PUSHING A HUMAN BEING THE SIZE OF YOUR FUCKING EGO FROM INSIDE OF ME! AAAHH!'

Remus looked down to see Sirius's hand clutching his tightly, fingers flexing with nervous energy. He squeezed back slowly, hoping Sirius would not get conscious of the people around them and let go. Remus could not remember the last time Sirius held his hand like this. 'What do you think it's going to be?' Remus asked randomly in an effort to distract the both of them from the screams of pure agony that filled their ears. 'A boy or a girl?'

'Sounds like she's giving birth to the devil to me.' Sirius bit his lip and looked up at Remus anxiously. 'She's going to be okay, right? Why is she screaming so much? Is that normal?'

'JAMES POTTER, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I HATE YOU!'

'I don't know,' Remus answered truthfully, fear settling in the pit of his stomach. She  _did_  sound like she was in a lot of pain and James's voice was lower, but equally frantic. 'I've never really seen a woman give birth before,' he admitted. 'The closest I've ever come to even seeing a vagina was when Mr. Potter sat us down for that talk about the birds and the bees with descriptive models.'

'Don't remind me,' Sirius groaned. 'It brings back the trauma.'

Another pained wail ripped the air and Sirius buried his face into Remus's shoulder in distress. Remus swallowed heavily, clenching his fists on his lap to keep himself from stroking Sirius's hair. While many of the fathers and relatives in the waiting area seemed in a similar state of distress and paid them little mind, Remus did not want to scare Sirius off. Especially not when Sirius was seeking comfort in him so willingly. 'I wish the Potters would come soon. Dorea would be of more help than us.'

Suddenly, the screaming stopped and both Remus and Sirius looked at each other with held breaths. When the first cry filled the air, they felt their faces split into wide grins. Both men scrabbled off their chairs and into the hospital room, too ecstatic to care about the instructions they'd been given earlier about staying out. They nearly tripped over each other in excitement, as they got their very first look at James Potter's first born. A boy, Remus realised, as the doctors took the baby to the side to clean him up. James Potter, the boy who only a few years ago had been playing pranks with them, now had a son of his own.

'We did it! Little Harry is born!' James exclaimed as they hugged him and Lily in turn. There were tears running down James's face, whether from happiness or the stress of having constant verbal abuse thrown at him, Remus did not know. The man couldn't stop smiling, as the nurses handed Harry back to Lily, who nestled him close to her chest. Remus had never seen her look more beautiful as she did now; tired and sweaty from effort, yet radiant with happiness.

'He so small,' Sirius said, his voice full of awe. He gently caressed the top of Harry's head with his index, delighted when the baby wiggled in response. 'Is he meant to be so small?' He asked worriedly and received laughter from Lily in response.

'Yes, Sirius, he is.' She kissed the top of Harry's head lovingly. 'Remus, would you like to hold him? You've been staring at him for a long time.'

Remus blushed. He hadn't meant to stare but he had honestly never seen a person so small before, least of all one so pink and fragile. 'I don't know how,' he admitted, though wanting in his heart to hold the little bundle of blankets nonetheless. As if reading his mind, James asked him to watch as he scooped up his son in his arms, supporting the delicate neck with the crook of his elbow. 'Like this?' Remus asked tentatively, when James had gently placed Harry into the little triangle of Remus's folded arms. When he got the affirmative from both James and Lily, he looked back at the baby now dozing peacefully in his arms. Slowly, with his left hand, he traced the small yet familiar features: tufts of messy black hair, a button nose, dimpled chin – just like his father. Remus let out a surprised laugh when Harry's little fingers gripped Remus's index tightly.

'Stop hogging him.' Unable to control his intrigue anymore, Sirius reached his arms out impatiently.

'Don't jostle him too much,' Lily warned as Sirius rocked the baby against his chest excitedly.

'What do you think, lads?' James asked clapping both Remus and Sirius on the back, pride beaming in his face. 'Ready to settle down and have one of your own?'

Sirius laughed, looking down at Harry with so much adoration that Remus felt his breath catch. 'Certainly wouldn't mind one.'

James mock gasped, a hand on his heart. 'Do my ears deceive me? Did the great Sirius Black just say…?'

Remus tuned out the rest of James's speech, his blood pounding in his ears. He looked down at his shoes, horrified, as his mind processed exactly what Sirius's words meant. He could physically feel the ever growing divide between them widen against his will. A feeling of helplessness tore within him as he watched Sirius sway with the baby in his arms. Sirius would make a good father, Remus realised. He had a lot of love to give and he would give it magnanimously. He would be the kind of father that children were always proud to have; handsome, charming, and ridiculously cool. He would teach his child to play pranks and accompany them in mischief. Sirius's wife would probably find his fathering ways childish and impossible.  _Sirius's wife._ Because children did not come without a woman. And when Sirius finally realised that, he would no longer have any place for Remus in his life.

'Remus, are you all right?'

Remus broke out of his stupor to find Lily looking up at him in concern. 'Ah, sorry, drifted off there.'

She did not look convinced despite his smile. Her bright emerald eyes searched him, only veering momentarily to shoot a glance at Sirius. 'Remus, if you wanted to talk about something… _anything,_  I want you know I'm always here.'

Remus wished he  _could_ tell her.

As he gazed back at Sirius who was now unwilling to give up little Harry to his father, Remus wished he could tell Lily everything just to be rid of the heavy weight in his chest. He did not want to feel like this anymore. He no longer wanted to live buried in secrets and lies, hatred for himself swelling in the very pit of his stomach. He could not bear to live with the uncertainty of losing Sirius; the first person he had ever loved. Remus wondered when Sirius became a need for him; like oxygen to his system or perhaps a drug that he just could not quit.

 _Just a little longer,_  he prayed fervently.  _Let me have him for just a little longer._

* * *

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)

**Part 2: How We Unravelled**

**2.16: A Letter**

'Sirius, how does it feel to finally have the SuperMoto televised and gain the recognition it deserves?'

Sirius tried to not let his weariness show. He had very little patience for these mundane interviews, but Logan had insisted it would be a big leap for him. They were interviewing the top contenders, of which Sirius was a part of, thanks to hours spent on the track and Remus's craftsmanship with his new bike. 'I think it certainly changes things,' Sirius replied distractedly. 'The SuperMoto has always been more of an underground sport. These people that you see on the track are pioneers and true professionals; they know how to play that track hard. Getting the Moto televised certainly brings more exposure and funding, but I'm wary about how much  _actual_  talent it will also bring in.'

Sirius looked out the window in boredom, wondering how much longer this incessant talking was going to draw out. This was his first time in Sweden and he itched to explore the area. He wished Remus were here; Sirius had never been in a race without Remus as his official technician. But Charlus had been unwilling to let Remus go this time because of some fancy dealing that needed to be prioritised. Instead, he had some shoddy substitute that Logan had brought in and James, who had decided to accompany him as support after Sirius's near meltdown when Charlus denied him Remus. He had a feeling that James only came upon Remus's insistence to keep an eye on him; Sirius knew the man well enough by now to know that he worried about Sirius's safety under the new technician. Even on the last day when Sirius had come to say goodbye (and convince him to go against Charlus and just come), Remus had been unwilling to let go of him and gone through an entire checklist of things he needed to make sure the technician looked over for him. In the end, Remus's loyalty to Charlus won over his love for Sirius, which was a shoddy way of putting it but Sirius could not help but feel slighted.

Sirius sighed watching the other players down below. The head office faced the tracks from the left and just looking at the sight filled Sirius with nervous energy. Despite his aloof answer, Sirius was certainly glad for the extra media exposure. It meant more races and more sponsors; more people getting interested in the Moto and the Moto itself going international. Currently, the Moto was chiefly restricted to Europe and while Sirius had done moderately well for himself in London, this month's races were going to determine how far he would go beyond borders.

'You're something of a local celebrity back home, so I'm sure you're used to a little bit of media attention. However, an international status means that the attention will no longer focus on your sport, but also your personal life. How do you plan to tackle that?'

Sirius felt like he had been doused in ice cold water. 'I-'

The interviewer looked at him expectantly.

'I guess I'll just take it as it comes,' Sirius replied, feeling his heart pumping as he thought about Remus. 'I haven't really put much thought into it. I'm here for my sport, not to feed in to senseless media gossip.' After that, Sirius answered most of the questions mechanically. If he were to be asked to repeat any part of the interview, he would fail miserably. There was not a single thing he remembered apart from the whirring thoughts in his head. Sirius wanted the success, so badly he could taste it. He lived on the thrill of his sport, the freedom that came with it and the admiration and laud that came after. To have it snatched away from him at this stage, when he was so close, would be depriving him of his life's dream. He was already living cautiously, he told himself again and again, to a point where it drove Remus mad. But would that be enough when the Moto blew up to international prominence? Would the way he was living now be enough to keep Sirius safe and in the game? Sirius didn't know.

So when he went back to his shared hotel room with James, he wrote to the only person who did.

_Uncle Alphard,_

_I apologise for not having been in touch. I hope you are well._

_I'm writing to you today for badly needed advice. I am in a situation, much like you were before you left the family. I hope you can understand what I mean. I suppose what I want to know is how you knew you were making the right decision and if today, you wish to change anything._

_Best Regards,_

_Sirius_

It was short and formal, Sirius knew, but he found it hard to put it any other way. He sealed it carefully and put it aside on his bedside table to be mailed in the morning.

That night, Sirius lay in his bed, fingering the key to Remus's flat that hung on a leather band around his neck. It felt heavy and tight, like a noose, but Sirius could not find it in himself to take off the one thing he had to show for in his relationship with Remus. There was a picture of Remus in his wallet he itched to look at, but dare not in fear that James might see. He wanted to speak to Remus, to be assured that everything would be all right, but he could not do so without James hovering over him. All he could do was watch James speak to his wife over the phone, envious of the way she made his friend smile and laugh with tales of their new born son.

It made Sirius briefly wonder if it was so impossible to love a woman.

* * *

**2.17: Drunken Mistakes**

Fabian was about to unlock his front door, when he heard a loud crash from the flat beside his and muffled whine of a dog that was either scared or hurt.

'Remus?' Fabian called tentatively. Silence answered him. 'Remus, are you all right?' He knocked on Remus's front door and was unsurprised when it was opened by Padfoot, Remus's dog instead. 'Hey, boy,' he greeted, coming in tentatively. Padfoot whined in response and tugged on his trousers in urgency, dragging him into the master bedroom where Fabian found Remus sitting on the floor.

He was trying to plug the remains of a broken phone together with shaking hands. 'Sorry, did I scare you?' His voice was trembling and he didn't so much as look up at either Padfoot or Fabian. 'It was just an accident; clumsy me.' He sounded like he wanted to cry even through the weak laughter he graced them. 'You can go ahead now, Fabian. No need to worry.'

Padfoot tugged on Fabian's trousers again, letting him know that there was definitely a cause for worry. Fabian had never noticed before; but Padfoot had the most startling shade of grey eyes he had ever seen on a dog. They looked almost human, especially now, when they were filled with worry and concern for his master.

'Remus, why don't you get off the floor,' Fabian tried gently, following Padfoot's cue and kneeling down in front of Remus. A strong stench of alcohol emanating from the other man confirmed Fabian's suspicions that Remus was not quite himself today. That, coupled with the fact that Remus was not a heavy drinker, sent alarm bells ringing in his head. 'Come on, leave that. It's broken now,' He gently prised off the broken plastic that had once held a phone together from Remus's trembling hands. It had been knocked off, he realised, and there was little chance it was by accident if the bottle of scotch on the dresser were any indication.

Remus seemed unwilling to let go. 'He might call,' he insisted shakily. 'It's been almost a month; he  _has_ to call. Sirius always calls.'

It was a sign that Remus was clearly not in his right mind that he let the name slip again. Remus was very cautious about never referring to Sirius as  _Sirius._ 'If he hasn't called in a month, Remus, he's not going to do so now,' Fabian tried to explain as gently as possible as he pulled Remus to his feet and brushed off any wayward chips off his clothes.

Terrified amber eyes turned to him. 'I might have missed his call when at work. I'm not at home most mornings; he could have called then.'

'Then he should have left a message on the machine,' Fabian shot back in a clipped tone.

'He's probably busy. Sirius always complains about his schedules being too tight.'

'Stop making excuses for him, damn it!' Fabian scolded, losing patience and shaking Remus by the shoulders. 'Sorry,' he apologised immediately when Padfoot growled at him in warning 'I'm sorry. That was not my place to say.' He forced Remus to sit on the bed, smoothing out the man's clothes and tucking his hair behind his ears gently. Remus's skin felt warm, almost feverish. To be sure, Fabian checked on Padfoot to see if the dog indicated any signs of oncoming seizures. When he was sure Padfoot seemed relatively calm, he rubbed Remus's sides to soothe him. 'Look, I'll get the phone replaced for you tomorrow morning, I promise. But you need to compose yourself for now. Have you eaten anything yet?'

Padfoot answered for his master with a shake of his head.

'Right then, let's get you something to eat. I saw some chocolate on the kitchen counter; we can start with that.'

Remus held Fabian by both arms, fingers squeezing tightly. 'A drink.'

Fabian frowned. 'I think you've had enough to drink for today.'

Remus's bloodshot eyes looked at him beseechingly, before his head dropped to Fabian's chest. Fabian felt his heart stop at the close contact; he could not remember a time in their short friendship when Remus had leaned upon him like this. Instinctively, his arms wrapped around the other man. 'Please.'

'Just one,' Fabian conceded. There was very little he could deny Remus when the other man fell so readily into is arms. He could hear his brother's voice warning him, telling him that he was taking advantage of someone who was clearly hurt; but Fabian could see little past the comforting weight of Remus's body against his. 'But not more.' He stroked Remus's hair gently, fingers dropping down to massage the nape of his neck. It was clear from the way Remus's hair stuck together in clumps at the roots that the man hadn't washed for a while. Can one man cause so much distress, he wondered. Did Remus love this Sirius so much that a single action could reduce him to this disastrous human being? Gideon's voice nagged him again, and Fabian shut it out quickly this time. He kissed the top of Remus's hair, before reluctantly pushing him away.

It was not just a phone call, Fabian realised once he'd reached the dresser and poured Remus a very small amount of alcohol in a water glass. There was an open magazine sitting innocently on the top and on any other day, Fabian would have ignored it. There was no lack of motorcycle magazines in Remus's flat and this would have proved no different. Except one name caught Fabian's eye immediately: Sirius Black. Remus's Sirius, if the way the page holding the article had been crumpled were any indication.

It was a profile article, with a page dedicated to the top five contenders in the SuperMoto. Fabian only knew what the race was called because of the blatant headlining on the top of each page, along with the author's name (Rita Skeeter), should anyone forget who wrote it. Each of the contenders had a strip of multiple pictures on the left side made to look like a movie reel; ranging from shots of them on the race course to head shots, and even personal family or party pictures. There was one picture of Sirius that stood out transparently even in Fabian's eyes; one with a blonde, busty woman sitting extremely close, practically falling into Sirius, while nursing a drink. Though Sirius didn't seem to be indulging in the woman and in fact, both his hands were firmly on his own drink, there were certainly no signs of resistance.

Fabian quickly skimmed the rest of the article, wondering why most of what was covered veered more towards the players' personal lives rather than their sport. These magazines were targeted towards men; surely the writer had enough sense to not dream up an article with so little substance. There was even a paragraph about Sirius, where it mentioned that while Sirius had refused to comment about his personal life, multiple sources had dubbed him as a "playboy" and claimed to have seen him with several women each night.

'If he called, I could ask him if it were true,' Remus spoke, startling Fabian into dropping the magazine. 'Sirius wouldn't do this to me. He's not-' Remus was staring down at his lap as he talked, and Fabian wondered if he was revealing so much because he had caught Fabian snooping or because the alcohol had loosened his tongue. 'I  _know_ him,' Remus insisted to no one. 'He would never do anything to-' he trailed off, lost in his own thoughts. 'If I talked to him, I know it would clear things out.'

'Things are clear enough, don't you think?' Fabian threw the magazine into the trash before sitting beside Remus back on the bed.

Remus downed his drink quickly, making him cough till his eyes watered. 'I trust him.'

'Then you're a bigger fool than I initially thought.' Remus was clenching the glass within his hands so tightly that Fabian feared he might break it. He took it away quickly before any more damage could be done. 'Words can lie, but that picture was pretty clear.' It was astounding how Fabian did not even have to  _try_  and defame Black in front of Remus; the man sabotaged himself on his own swimmingly. To someone with a clear mind and an observant eye, the picture's authenticity  _could_  have been questioned. But currently, the only one who gave a fuck enough to do so was too distraught to even think. 'I hate saying I told you so, but I warned you Remus. I have seen this pattern over a dozen times; it always goes the same way.' He wound an arm around Remus's shoulder, drawing him close. Feeling suddenly brave and confident, he let his fingers stray under Remus's shirt, touching the smooth skin surreptitiously. Fabian's heart beat faster at this sudden lack of barriers and he wondered how far he would be allowed to take this. What would happen if he leaned in now? To just kiss Remus like he'd been wanting to for so long. His eyes darted towards the recently emptied glass, wondering what would happen if he just slipped a little something into it; he did have some backup help in his bag if the need arose. Remus trusted him implicitly and would certainly not say no to another drink. It was not something Fabian wanted to do to the person he loved but today, he was not going ready to be patient; he was close to achieving what he wanted and he knew it.

'Why do you think I wasn't enough?' Remus asked softly, clutching Fabian's shirt. 'There are things I couldn't give him, I admit, but I thought if I loved him with everything I had, it would eventually be enough.' He breathed shakily. 'Yet, I can see him slipping away and I don't know how else to stop it. I'm worried that one day he'll wake up and realise that this whole thing is a mistake. That he could do so much better than me.'

Fabian cupped Remus's cheeks, forcing sad amber eyes to look into his own. 'Then don't stop it.' He pushed their foreheads together, his blood pumping wildly a he realised this was  _it_. Remus's defences were down. 'Sometimes, you just need to let things go.'

Fabian closed his eyes and gently pressed their lips together.

* * *

**2.18: Monster**

'Please leave.'

Mortification consumed Remus's entire body as the realisation of what he had done hit him. He could not even bear to turn around and look at the man that he had shared a bed with last night. Evidence of what they had done remained strewn across the floor in the form of discarded clothing. His own nakedness underneath the sheets brought about shame and guilt so strong that it caught in his throat and weighed down in his stomach. What had he done?

'Remus, let me explain.'

'Please, Fabian,' Remus begged, burying his face into the pillow and praying that this was all a dream; that nothing had happened. 'Please, just leave.'

'Remus, there's nothing wrong with what we did,' Fabian persisted. 'Just see this as a sign that-'

'I see this as nothing but a mistake!' Remus screamed, sitting up and glaring at Fabian with fiery amber eyes. Hurt blossomed in Fabian's face, but Remus was too seeped in his own guilt to notice. 'I don't know what I was thinking;  _if_ I was thinking. But Fabian, I don't want this!  _I love Sirius_.'

'Why?' Fabian asked, though he was already picking up his clothes off the ground. 'Why love a man who cannot even love you back?'

'Sirius loves me.' Even to Remus, his voice sounded doubtful. He touched the ring around his neck. Did Sirius really love him? Remus had been asking himself this question even before last night's events. Sirius certainly never said it; never said the three words that would put Remus at peace. Remus had never complained before; confident that Sirius's actions could mean nothing else. Why else promise Remus forever if not for love?

'Who are you trying to fool, Remus, me or yourself?' Fabian laughed darkly, as he pulled on the last of his clothing. 'I'll leave now, but just know that when you finally come to your senses, I'll be next door.'

As Remus watched him walk out, he caught his own reflection in the mirror. He looked a wreck; his hair in disarray, dark craters under his eyes, and stubble peppering his chin. There was a mark on his neck; a love bite, he realised as he touched it. Just looking at it made him feel ill again. It would fade by the time Sirius came back, he knew, but did that mean Remus would hide what he had done? Would Sirius still want him if Remus admitted to the truth? Remus already knew the answer:  _no._ Sirius hated liars, thieves, and cheats; he would never forgive Remus. Remus turned away from his reflection, finding that the longer he looked, the less of himself he saw and the more of a monster he became.

'Padfoot,' he called softly, clutching his sheets to his chest. He wanted the simplistic comfort and unconditional love of his dog. He wanted to hold Padfoot close till the nightmare passed and he was Remus again. 'Padfoot,' he called again, louder this time, when his normally boisterous dog did not appear.

'He's asleep,' Fabian replied, his voice sounding far away. Remus assumed he was at the front door.

Remus frowned and sat up, pulling his boxers and t-shirt on. 'That's impossible. The door was open last night.' The cold floor pinched his bare feet as he walked out and into the living room. 'Padfoot never sleeps anywhere but by my side.' Fabian, who had had his hand on the front door handle and was about to leave, seemed to change his mind and joined Remus in the living room. Both men peered down at Remus's dog, who appeared to be asleep on the rug. 'Padfoot, come on, love. You can sleep on the bed.' Remus tried pulling at Padfoot's fur to force him up, worry settling in his heart when his dog did not respond. Padfoot was breathing far more heavily than he should, his massive chest heaving up and down. 'Padfoot, come on.'

'There's sick on this sofa,' Fabian pointed out suddenly, his voice taking up urgency. 'Did you feed him something odd last night?'

'No, nothing out of the ordinary,' Remus replied, slipping his arms underneath his dog and picking him up. His knees buckled under Padfoot's dead weight, but he persevered. 'I'm taking him to the vet at the end of our block. Can you find Lily Potter in my address book and give her a call? Just tell her about Padfoot; she'll know where to come.'

Remus knew he must have looked quite a sight as he ran down the block with Padfoot in his arms. He was barely clothed, wearing nothing but his boxers and a t-shirt so thin that the cold seeped through and pinched his skin. He was sure the shoes he was wearing was Fabian's; he had shoved his feet into whatever he could find before running out. A few times, he noticed Padfoot trying to open his unfocused eyes and failing; so Remus murmured words of encouragement their whole trip through. He was a big dog, Remus knew, but Padfoot had never felt as fragile as he did right then in Remus's arms. Remus did not stop running until he had reached the vet's offices, frantic and screaming for help. It was only after they wheeled Padfoot into the emergency that Remus's knees buckled underneath him and he collapsed into the visitor's chair.

'Remus!'

A warm jacket fell upon his shoulders and Remus looked up to see Fabian standing in front of him, Lily not far behind. 'Here, drink this. You look a right state.' He pushed a glass of water into Remus's hand forcefully. 'Drink,' he insisted, sitting down beside Remus.

Remus obliged, but the water did little to help his dry throat.

'I'm sorry for making you come all the way here, Lily. I know you're on maternity leave,' Remus apologised as Lily joined him on the other side, Harry dozing on her shoulder with a thumb in his mouth. Remus held out his arms for him, and Lily carefully shifted the child over without waking him. 'I just-Padfoot's never had an incident like this before and he never likes any of the other vets. You're the only one he ever warms up to, so I thought he'd be less afraid if I called you.' When Harry fidgeted in his arms, Remus rocked him back and forth while stroking his black hair soothingly.

'You did the right thing,' Lily smiled. 'I spoke to Damien. It seems Padfoot's ingested an unhealthy dose of chocolate.'

'I saw chocolate on the kitchen counter last night,' Fabian confirmed. 'I didn't think much of it at that time.'

'Do you happen to know when he could have eaten it?'

Remus shook his head. 'Will he be all right?' He asked, worry creasing his forehead.

'He'll be fine,' she assured, with a pat on his knee. 'He's a big dog, so he should be fine.'

Remus did not look convinced. 'He's only a puppy. He must have been feeling awful last night and I wasn't even there for him. Instead, I was…' He trailed off, meeting Fabian's guilty blue eyes before looking away. Remus pulled the jacket around his shoulders tighter, realising that it was one of the ones Sirius had bought him: a deep brown, with soft quilted leather.

'Remus, I think you need to face the fact that Padfoot is not really a small puppy,' Fabian mumbled. He tried to put a comforting hand on Remus's knee, but Remus quickly stood up to dislodge his hand. Harry protested a little at being jostled, but fell back asleep almost immediately when Remus started to pace slowly. 'Honestly, I think, he's more bear than anything,' Fabian continued as if nothing had happened, leaning back against his chair.

Remus was appalled at how ridiculous Fabian was being. 'What are you talking about, Padfoot only just turned five. He hasn't even grown fully yet.' When he looked at Lily for confirmation, she nodded with an indulgent smile. Fabian looked disbelieving. 'Lily said he still has to grow a few more inches the next few years, doesn't he?'

'I said feet actually,' Lily corrected.

'Dear Lord,' Fabian exclaimed, hand on forehead.

'Well, he should be right as rain by the time the boys come home,' Lily guaranteed confidently. 'Don't worry so much; mistakes happen. I doubt Padfoot will hold it against you. If anything, since he won't be feeling too well, he might be a little clingier.' Remus thought he heard Fabian mumble something about that being physically impossible. 'You should probably give Sirius a call tonight and let him know. I'm sure he asks after Padfoot, doesn't he?'

Remus knew Fabian was looking at him with those eyes; eyes that cruelly reminded him of the truth again and again. He tried not to look. 'Sirius never gave me his number.'

Lily waved it off. 'I don't have it either; they've changed hotels a few times. I meant, whenever he gives you a call.'

Remus swallowed, the lump in his throat uncomfortably tight. 'He doesn't.'

Lily frowned. 'But he talks to us every day-oh.' A look of understanding and then pity passed her face. Remus didn't understand why she was pitying him. It was hardly a cause for concern to her.

Not wanting her to get the wrong (right) idea, he hastened to school his features to a more neutral expression. 'Well, of course; he barely got to see much of Harry before leaving. And James calls you every night, I suppose, so it's easy for him to just drop in a hello.' He watched as Lily got off her seat to come and stand in front of him. Remus assumed she was here to take back Harry and simply continued to explain himself. 'Besides, he doesn't have to call me. I'm not-' She put a hand on his shoulder, effectively making him forget what he was about to say. Remus didn't like the way she was looking at him. He didn't like the way Fabian was looking at him either. Did he seem so pathetic to the people around him?

'Remus, I know,' Lily whispered, looking back at Fabian to make sure he could not listen in. Her fingers rubbed his exposed collarbone tenderly. For a second, Remus panicked, thinking she was referring to him sleeping with Fabian. 'I know about you and Sirius.'

Remus nodded, looking away. He could deny it right now; tell her she was mistaken. But he was tired of pointlessly hiding and he had  _wanted_ her to know for so long. He wasn't surprised that she was empathetic of his circumstances. He had predicted from the very beginning that the Potters would be more than accepting of them, but Sirius had insisted…

'Remus, is everything between the two of you all right?' Lily asked unsurely.

Remus shrugged. He didn't really know anymore. He chanced a glance at Fabian, who did not seem to be eavesdropping, but was gazing at him in a self-assured way that told Remus the man knew perfectly what was going on. Fabian was too perceptive for his own good. Feeling transparent and naked in front of his two friends, Remus tried focusing on Harry in his arms instead. A baby, he tried to reason with himself, would not judge.

'Remus, maybe it's not my place to say, but James mentioned Sirius has been…' She took a deep breath, clearly hesitating over what to say. '…Actively flirting recently. James was surprised because this was the first time he's seen Sirius pay attention to the women that came on to him.' She could not have picked a worse time to tell him this. Remus had already hit rock bottom; he did not know how much lower he could sink before it broke through his threshold. 'I don't think he does anything beyond that,' Lily tried to hastily explain when she saw his fallen face. 'He comes home every night with James, so-'

Remus handed Harry over to Lily quickly, unwilling to hear or think about Sirius anymore.  _Enough,_ he screamed at her mentally,  _please, enough!_  'I'm going to go check up on Padfoot.'

* * *

**2.19: Answer in Silence**

_Sirius,_

_I'm glad you thought to contact me though I do not know how much of my advice will help. I can tell you that there is no easy way to make a choice, but whatever you decide, you must remember to stay true to it. For me, the breaking point was when I realised I did not want to end up as your father. This may sound harsh to you, but it's not my intention to make you angry. Your father has spent his entire lifetime serving the family and it has left him cold, unhappy, and loveless. His hatred for my sister, Walburga, has intensified over the years, particularly after he has lost both you and your brother to her madness._

_Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder what would have happened if I had stayed. I miss my family, as odd as it may be for you to hear. But the happiness I feel now outweighs any remorse I might have had at my loss. Both your choices will leave you with regrets, I am sure. So choose the one which you will regret the least and will bring you the most happiness in life. Think of which you cannot live without._

_I hope my letter has helped, even a little._

_Your uncle,_

_Alphard_

'Giving Camilla a call?'

Sirius hastily cut off the phone mid ring and glared at James. 'Can you let up about that? It's really starting to get old.'

James grinned, oblivious to Sirius's irritation. 'Come on, you actually  _flirted_ with someone for once in your life. Let me have this moment. She must have really caught your eye; the way you let her practically crawl all over you. I can already hear the wedding bells ringing!'

Sirius wanted to hit James. 'It was  _one_ dance and then  _you_ bloody invited her to sit with us.'

'I didn't see you complaining.'

Sirius grit his teeth as the truth hit him. Yes, he hadn't complained, because Logan had been there and he had been giving Sirius that  _look_  again. That fucking, annoying  _look_  that meant that there were a lot of important people here and it was Sirius's duty to fucking grin and bear with it. And while the dance had been something Sirius had agreed to on his own accord because of some stupid experiment he had wanted to try, the rest of the celebratory evening had been completely forced on his part. So forced that it had made him regret ever questioning himself, his identity, and his normalcy. None of these had been an issue when he'd been younger; he had simply accepted himself as different without much thought. In that aspect, he held both respect and envy of the confidence and self-awareness that Remus carried himself with.  _Remus…_

'James, can you fuck off?' Sirius looked pointedly at James, his eyes hard. It was enough for his best friend to understand that Sirius was in very little mood for jokes and needed this bout of privacy. That did not keep him from winking suggestively before leaving Sirius alone. No sooner had the door closed that Sirius's hands flew to the receiver, his fingers moving over the numbers with practiced speed. His heat beat fast in excitement and anticipation at the thought of hearing Remus's voice after over a month.

'Hello?'

Sirius grinned, cradling the phone close to his ear with rising affection. 'Hey.'

'Hello.'

If Sirius was expecting Remus to be as excited as him, he was sorely disappointed. He swallowed. 'How have you been?'

'All right,' the voice behind the phone was terse as it replied. Remus was angry, Sirius realised, and rightfully so.

'I got ranked second,' Sirius tried to keep his voice cheery. 'Reckon I would have been first if you were my technician.'

'Congratulations,' Remus acknowledged dully. 'Charlus needed me for the Japanese negotiations, but he promised I'd be there the next time, as I always am.' He sounded so formal, as if Sirius was conducting a business deal with him. Remus never sounded so uptight even when they  _were_ working together. They had great rapport; it was one of the reasons why Sirius had insisted Charlus assign him Remus despite their relationship.

'Can I come over tomorrow to celebrate? I'm flying back today.' Sirius asked as he always did before coming over. It was a silly tradition they followed; both men knew that Sirius had the key and permission to come over whenever he wanted.

'I'd rather you not.'

Sirius felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath him. Remus  _never_  denied him. 'I-I,' Sirius stuttered, not knowing what to say, but wanting to remedy the situation badly. 'I know I haven't called in a while.'

'Six weeks and four days,' Remus informed him quietly. 'I waited.'

Three hours and eighteen minutes; Sirius had counted too. He had counted every single day he had restrained himself from giving in and calling. Every single night, he had spent wondering what it would be like if he didn't have Remus; if life would be easier. Every single second he spent warring with himself. 'I'm sorry,' he apologised contritely. 'I really had a very busy schedule.'

'I really don't want to hear your excuses, Sirius,' Remus's voice was still hard and unforgiving. 'If you want to celebrate, I'm sure there are plenty of women at the bar willing to entertain you.'

Sirius flinched. He had been afraid Remus would bring it up. That damn magazine; it had started everything in the first place. Sirius's ongoing doubts and now, Remus's anger. 'Remus, I swear, they're just rumours. Nothing happened, I promise you. That Skeeter woman has a tendency to blow things out of proportion. She even-'

'Just tell me why, Sirius. Whatever it is you did; just give me a reason for it. That's all I ask.'

Sirius bit his lip.  _The reason._ Remus always listened; it was a trait of his that Sirius greatly admired. Remus never passed judgement or jumped to conclusions. He tried his best to understand the people around him before making a decision. It was why Sirius had kept no secrets from the other man; Remus knew and accepted all of him. 'I wanted to know,' Sirius started, heart thumping loudly in his chest. 'I wanted to know what it would be like to be… _normal.'_ He waited for Remus to say something, but nothing but silence greeted him. 'To be interested in women and-' There was a sharp inhale of breath on the other end of the line. 'I swear, Remus it isn't as it sounds,' Sirius tried to explain desperately. 'Please, if I just came over and explained things to you, I know you'd think differently. Just-'

The phone hung up and Sirius listened to the repetitive busy tone disbelievingly for a while, perhaps hoping that Remus would somehow talk to him again.  _It's nothing,_  he told himself. Remus was just shocked by Sirius's admission and he had the right to be angry after all that Sirius had done. He shouldn't have phrased it so insensitively; of course it hurt the other man.  _Tomorrow,_ he decided as he put the receiver down. Sirius would go tomorrow, once Remus had cooled down a little. He would apologise and explain the conflicting feelings and indecision he had been experiencing these past few months. He would talk about Alphard's letter and how Sirius was still afraid and unsure of the future.

Remus would understand. Remus  _always_ understood.

In retrospect, that had been a bad assumption on Sirius's part.

* * *

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)

**Part 2: How We Unravelled**

**2.20: Confess Your Sins**

Fabian found Remus in the park not far from their house where they always took Padfoot. He was sitting with his back against a tree, Padfoot's considerable bulk across his lap not unlike a child. The dog's front paws were around his master's neck in mimicry of a human hug and its snout was lodged firmly in the expanse of skin between Remus's neck and shoulder. Padfoot was whining quite pathetically despite Remus stroking his fur lovingly.

'Don't you want to play in the sprinklers?' Fabian heard Remus ask Padfoot gently. 'Come on, Padfoot, you love the sprinklers. Look, all your friends are having so much fun.' Padfoot turned his head to look at the sprinklers, where sure enough, the usual familiar dogs were playing. But instead of looking enthusiastic as he usually did, Padfoot simply let out an disinterested huff and settled his head back on to Remus's shoulder. 'I told you, I'm all right. Padfoot…'

'Hey.'

Remus looked up, finally aware of Fabian's approach. For a while, Fabian was startled by the swirl of emotion in Remus's striking amber eyes. There was a sadness to them that Fabian could not bear to look at; there was a pain and longing that left Remus's gaze looking glassy and unusually bright. It was no wonder Padfoot refused to leave Remus's side.

'I thought taking Padfoot for walks was our thing,' Fabian said casually, as he sat down beside Remus. He smiled when Padfoot greeted him with his customary lick across the face. 'You could have called.'

'Sorry,' Remus apologised and even his voice sounded pained. 'I just needed some time to think by myself.'

'Sirius finally called?' Fabian asked, trying to keep the derision and hatred out of his voice.

It was hard when  _Sirius_  was the only barrier standing between him and Remus right now.  _Sirius_ was the only reason Fabian was keeping up this charade of wanting to still be friends with Remus even after having slept together.  _Sirius_ was the only reason Fabian was pretending that one night with Remus hadn't been the best in his life; that he didn't dream about it every night. That his desperation hadn't driven him to borrow Gideon's tool box and drill a hole into their shared walls, so that he could look into Remus's bedroom every single day and touch himself every time Remus walked out of the shower or changed to go to work. Fabian was not stupid; he knew that as long as  _Sirius_ was in the picture, Remus could not look past his love for the man to even acknowledge Fabian's feelings. It hurt, but it only fuelled Fabian's desperation and longing. His patience was wearing thin, but he was nothing if not persistent and for Remus, he could do and be  _anything._ There was no limit.

'You really are a perceptive fellow, aren't you?' Remus chuckled miserably.

It had little to do with perception. The hole in their shared walls not only let Fabian look into Remus's flat, but also listen into his conversations much more clearly.

'You were right, you know,' Remus sighed as he looked dully ahead of him. 'You were right the whole time. He isn't able to cope with being… _different_ …he wants the same things everyone around him has; a wife, a family; acceptance. I-' He lower lip quivered, before he schooled his features back to normal. 'I'm losing my place in his life. It's only a matter of time before I become that bit on the side while he goes about leading a nice, normal life.' His laughter was hollow as he rested his forehead against his dog's. 'What a joke I've become.' Padfoot licked his nose consolingly.

While this was very good news for Fabian, he found it hard to rejoice when the man he was so in love with seemed so dejected. Giving in to his overwhelming need to protect Remus, he wrapped an arm around the man and drew his closer. 'So what are you going to do now?' he asked softly, tucking Remus's hair behind his ear.

Remus's face hardened. 'I'm going to ask him to choose.'

Fabian's eyebrows shot up to his hairline in disbelief. 'So you're still giving him a chance; after the way he's treated you!'

'No. Not a chance,' Remus retorted firmly, 'a  _choice_. It's either this idea of a perfect life that he wants to lead or  _me._ '

'And you think he's going to choose you, don't you?' Fabian asked incredulously, his anger and frustration with the man growing. 'I can see it; you're confident he's going to choose you! You're only doing this so that he understands that you're serious about this, and you plan to forgive him after, don't you? You think he's going to change!  _Unbelievable!'_

'He will always choose me,' Remus replied, though not without hesitation. 'That's what he reassured me when he started this sport. So now, it's time to choose.'

Fabian spluttered and forcefully turned Remus by the shoulders so that they faced each other. ' _Listen to me_ , you are only setting yourself up to get your heart broken. You're holding on to this foolish hope that he loves you enough to give up everything, when the truth is he doesn't. He has  _never_ loved you. Damn it, Remus, you are so frustrating!' He growled, grabbing Remus hard by the sides of his face and crushing their lips together. He heard many gasps around them, including Remus's, but he kept the man in place with a firm grip. He didn't care if the lips pressed against his were unresponsive or that Remus was trying to push him away as kindly as possible. Even after Remus pulled away, he held on, clinging to the man tightly.

'Let's talk inside,' Remus murmured, his eyes shooting towards two women who were now looking at them with unconcealed disgust and calling for their children to leave.

Fabian nodded and felt a bubble of hope expand in his chest when Remus let him hold his hand all the way to his flat. Perhaps the man had finally seen sense and realised that Fabian was the right choice for him. Perhaps Remus could finally see how much effort Fabian had put into achieving him and making him see the truth about Sirius. Perhaps Remus could finally see how much Fabian loved him and would do anything,  _anything_  for him. Fabian felt his smile grow wider as Remus closed the door behind him and he wasted no time in pressing himself against Remus for another kiss, only to be rebuffed yet again.

'No,' Remus pushed him away, both hands against his chest. 'Fabian, I thought we talked about this.'

Fabian pushed himself closer, backing Remus against the door and placing a hand of each side of his head. 'No. I don't want to talk anymore,' he growled, pressing even closer till their groins were touching and Fabian could feel arousal growing in his belly. 'I am sick of talking. I am sick of trying to make you understand. I am  _sick_ of being patient with you.' He held both of Remus's wrists firmly when the man tried to push him away again, his fingers so tight that he could feel Remus's pulse beating steadily.

'Don't make me hurt you, Fabian,' Remus said calmly, moving his head away when Fabian tried to kiss him. 'I am trying to reason with you because I consider you a friend.'

'I don't want to be your  _friend_!' Fabian replied through gritted teeth. 'Remus, don't you see? There is chemistry between us; we could be so much more. We're so good together. That night when we-'

'That night was a mistake,' Remus interrupted, twisting his hand away easily from Fabian's grip. 'Fabian, I am sorry for dragging you into my mess, but-.'

'Don't be sorry about that,' Fabian pleaded, winding his arms around Remus's shoulders and not letting go when Remus tried to prise him off. 'Please don't be sorry about that. Remus, it was the greatest night of my life. I don't think I've ever been happier than that night when I was laying in your arms. I think about it all the time; every single night, I replay it in my head.'

' _No.'_ Fabian wished Remus wasn't so strong as he effortlessly pulled Fabian away as if he was nothing but a rag doll; as if he wasn't holding on to Remus with everything he had and trying to communicate how much he wanted this. How much he wanted Remus.'Listen to me, I was  _drunk_ and I-'

'I LOVE YOU!' Fabian screamed, unwilling to hear any more of Remus's stupid, stupid excuses. 'I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, REMUS, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT!' Taking advantage of Remus's surprise, he tried to kiss him again only to have the man turn away in the last minute. Fabian felt tears of frustration pool in his eyes. 'I would treat you so much better. You would always be my top priority, my one and only. I would tell you I loved you every single day; kiss you and touch you like you were the most precious thing on Earth.' He stroked Remus's hair, his neck and shoulders, under his shirt and over his chest; anywhere he could reach. 'I wouldn't ever let you feel alone; I would always be there with you.  _Always._ I've already changed my whole life for you; my class schedules, my sleep times, my likes and dislikes. I've synced it all with you.' He peppered Remus's neck and face with desperate kisses, pushing closer and closer every time Remus resisted. 'I would do anything for you, Remus. I would die for you.'

'Fabian, stop.'

'I can't,' he sobbed, feeling despair claw in his chest as he realised Remus was simply  _not listening_. 'I can't. I love you, Remus.  _I love you_.' He ran his trembling hands up and down Remus's sides, willing him to  _see_ , to  _understand_. 'I love you.' He wiped his eyes in vain, as the flow of tears only intensified when Remus shook his head. 'I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you-'

'I'm sorry, but I love Sirius.'

* * *

**2.21: Hide and Found**

Remus had not looked at him once all day. Sirius had tried to catch his eye many times over the course of the day, but failed miserably. He had been so distracted that he had lost control of the track twice and nearly broken a limb each time. On any other day, Remus would have rushed to his side in worry, asking after Sirius's health as he got checked by the nurse. Sirius would have smiled reassuringly and brushed their fingers in the briefest of touches. Today, Remus did nothing more than look up fleetingly. Even their conversations had been stunted and cordial; nothing beyond work. Sirius had never missed Remus as much as he did right then, with the man right in front of him.

'Have you noticed something off with Remus today?'

Sirius grit his teeth. He wished James would just leave so that Sirius could talk to Remus in peace and private. Yet, though everyone else had left, James lingered. What was even more infuriating was that Remus behaved as he always did with James; he smiled (though it was not true), joked, and asked about Lily and Harry as he tinkered with Sirius's bike. He talked about things that happened at work and Charlus's mishaps, and Dorea's cookies. His amber eyes not once strayed from James's. Sirius might as well have been invisible. It hurt; the way Remus was ignoring him hurt. Sirius could not help but think it was unfair and though well deserved, Remus had never been angry with him for such a long period of time. Sirius could not possibly apologise if Remus would not even  _look_ at him, much less talk to him. If James would just leave, then Sirius could force Remus to listen, just for a little.

'Sirius, are you listening to me?'

Sirius tore his eyes away from Remus reluctantly. 'Sorry.'

'I said, I think we should talk to Moony,' James repeated in a lowered voice. 'Honestly, I suspected this for a while now, but I just needed to be sure. I would have liked it if he trusted us enough to just admit it, but perhaps he's afraid of the repercussions? I was thinking maybe we could take him out for lunch today and really sit him down to explain that we're all right with it.'

Sirius really wished James would just fuck off. He did not want to have lunch with James as a third wheel. He just wanted an hour  _alone_ ; was that so much to ask? 'James, what the hell are you talking about?'

'About Remus being gay!' James exclaimed in exasperation. 'Sirius, have you listened to a word I've said?'

Sirius felt his heart stop. 'You don't know if he's gay,' he argued weakly, his brain fighting to come up with relevant excuses to whatever James was going to say next. What if James had figured out Sirius's disposition through Remus? What would Sirius say then?

'Sirius, I told you, I saw him with another man last night when I went to visit him.'

That was the moment Sirius's world came to a stop.  _No._ 'That-' he swallowed, looking back at Remus. 'That doesn't mean anything.'

'I saw them fucking kissing in the park and he followed Remus back to his flat,  _holding hands_!'

 _No. No. No. No._ Sirius's hands shook and he balled them into fists so tightly that his nails dug into his palm. 'Are you sure?' Remus would  _never._ Remus would  _never_ do this to him. Remus, who had so much integrity that he would take a punch when he knew he was wrong. Remus, who had refused to sleep with Sirius, even though the relationship between him and Frank had been casual. Remus, who had never lied to Sirius his entire life. 'James, are you sure it was Remus you saw?'

'Yes!' James nearly yelled. 'Sirius, we are his friends. So if you have a problem with him being gay then-'

'He cheated on me,' Sirius admitted aloud, more to himself than James. His voice trembled with disbelief. 'He cheated on me.' He looked up at Remus, searching his face for an answer. Remus looked so innocent; no different from the last time Sirius had looked up at him longingly. It angered Sirius; it made him furious to think that Remus could just sit there and say  _nothing_ , while Sirius sat here in turmoil and betrayal. Sirius was not sure what drove him after that. One minute he was sitting beside James, and the next he had pulled Remus by the collar to face him, their noses touching.

'Sirius, put him down!' Sirius could hear James screaming, trying to pull him away. 'It's probably my mistake! I must not have seen properly! Sirius!'

Sirius ignored him, holding steadfast. 'Is it true?' He growled, his fists tightening on Remus's collar. 'Is it true that you-' He couldn't say it. If he did, his throat closed far too tightly to even get words out. 'Did you fuck someone else?'  _Please say no._

Remus looked at him with a defiant gaze. 'Yes.'

Sirius's first instinct was to punch him; to hit him and hurt him just to quell the hurt that welled inside of his own chest. His vision went blurry momentarily from unshed tears of anger and betrayal. 'Why?' he asked, feeling his voice breaking. 'Why?' He felt weak and stupid, and that only fuelled his anger further. He pushed harder, making Remus's head whiplash backwards and collide into the wall behind him. 'Tell me why!' Sirius roared.

'Sirius, calm down!' James tried again.

'Tell me you love me,' Remus replied calmly, looking straight at Sirius with hard, unforgiving eyes. 'Tell me you love me and I will tell you why. Hell, I'll even apologise.' He put both hands over Sirius's, wrenching them away from his collar forcefully without breaking eye contact.

'This has nothing to do-'

'Tell me you love me,' Remus repeated.

For the second time that day, Sirius was left speechless. His anger slowly dissipated as he understood the weight and relevance of Remus's question. He looked into amber eyes unsurely. 'I-' He wet his lips and moved a few inches backwards.

'Please,' Remus's tone was almost begging, so different from earlier.

Sirius looked away.

They stood in uncomfortable silence.

Sirius could hear the tick-tock of James's watch as Remus waited for Sirius to say something and Sirius waited for Remus to realise that Sirius couldn't.

' _Please, Sirius.'_

He could hear their shared breaths; Remus's escalating while Sirius's slowing down.

He counted the little droplets of water that fell near his feet like rain; one, two, three. Sirius hated it when Remus cried.

'Sirius,  _say something,_ ' James urged, looking at Remus with pity in his eyes.

Sirius' toes curled in his shoes, his fists clenched by his sides; but he did not speak and he did not move.

Not even when Remus, unable to bear the silence, turned and left.

* * *

**2.22: In Sanity**

'You don't have to come pick me up. I could always-'

'Don't be ridiculous,' Frank dismissed before Remus could finish. 'As long as you are in Cardiff, you are a guest in my house. I won't accept any excuses.'

'That's right, Remus,' Alice's voice joined in through speaker phone. 'Frank has been talking about you non-stop since you mentioned you'd be coming. You  _have_  to stay at our home. It will give you an opportunity to meet Neville as well.' As if on cue, Remus heard a baby gurgle with happiness in the background. 'Look at that, Neville is saying hello as well. Oh, Remus, I'm so excited to see you again! We only met at the wedding and that's hardly enough for someone who Frank talks of so much!'

Remus smiled, Alice's enthusiasm infectious. 'Thank you, Alice, for being so welcoming.'

'Nonsense!' Frank exclaimed. 'You are family!'

Remus bit his lip, for a while, unable to say anything in fear that his voice might crack. He gripped the table hard with his left hand, willing his turbulent emotions to come under control. It was family that he craved for at this very moment when he felt his weakest and though Remus knew he had the Potters to turn to, he also knew that it was likely that to them, Sirius would always take precedent over him. 'Thank you, Frank. I-'

Remus was interrupted by a violent knock on the door. He frowned wondering why someone would bother knocking when there was a bell to ring. As soon as he thought it, the bell rang twice, and then four more times after only second of silence. Padfoot barked loudly at the disturbance, clearly annoyed at having his sleep interrupted. An ominous chill crept up Remus's spine when the bell rang yet again and he hurriedly said goodbye to the Longbottoms before rushing to the door. If he thought his uneasiness would lessen when he saw who it was, he was sorely mistaken. The minute he saw Gideon Prewett at his door, looking worried and breathless, he knew something had gone terribly wrong.

'Fabian won't open his door,' he panted out, as if he'd been running a mile. 'Please, he listens to you.' He followed when Remus and Padfoot started walking to the Prewett flat; his breaths coming out short and sharp from anxiety. 'He's been in his room since last night, but I didn't think much of it until now. He hasn't once come out to eat or go to the loo,' He grabbed Remus by the wrist, squeezing pleadingly. 'He doesn't even answer when I call him.'

Remus nodded and though he didn't know which exactly was Fabian's room (having never been there), there was only one with its door shut. He rushed to it and knocked, gently at first and then hard when no one answered. 'Fabian, it's me, Remus. Can you come out please? Your brother… _I_ …we're worried.' When Remus received no answer, he turned towards Gideon, whose blue eyes were now wide and fearful. 'Fabian, open the door! Or at least say something! Fabian!' Remus looked back again, only then noticing that Gideon was gripping his upper arms tight enough to bruise. Their eye met briefly and then they both knew what to do. 'On three,' Remus instructed as both of them lined up and turned to a ninety degree so that their right shoulders faced the door. He motioned Padfoot to move away, before tightening all his muscles and coiling all his strength into one movement. 'One, two.' They both started running and on three, they made impact.

The door rattled on its hinges and it took two more attempts before the door finally gave away under their combined weights. Both of them stumbled in, bent and grasping at their knees as they struggled to catch their breath. It was fruitless, Remus realised, because the minute he looked up, he felt the air whoosh out of his lungs. He found his own face staring back at him from every inch of the wall. There were hundreds of pictures of him stuck in neat little squares from corner to corner of each wall; not a single space had been spared and Remus could see that some of them had to started to creep up towards the ceiling. There were pictures of him he hadn't even known existed and certainly never consented to. In places where there were no pictures, there were sticky notes Remus had scribbled on at home, receipts for when they'd gone out for a meal, and tickets from movies they watched together.

Both Remus and Gideon were broken out of their horror when Padfoot barked loudly, his snout disappearing under the bed.

Gideon got there before Remus, his wail of despair echoing through the room, as he found his brother lying on the floor unmoving. 'FAY! FABIAN!' Gideon screamed and kneeled down, cradling Fabian's limp body close to his chest and touching the froth around his mouth with trembling fingers. 'Fabian, come on. Wake up,' he sobbed, shaking his brother gently. 'Fay, don't do this to me. Please, please, Fay, open your eyes. Come on…'

Remus sat down on the floor beside Gideon, feeling numb, as his brain struggled to process what was happening. Padfoot was barking like mad as he circled the Prewett brothers and then nudging Remus in the side, as if pleading with him to do  _something._ Remus didn't know  _what_ to do; his mind drawing up a blank except for an accusing voice that told him that this was his fault. Slowly, almost mechanically, he pushed Gideon aside and pressed his ear against Fabian's chest. His own heart stopped beating as he waited to hear even the smallest sign of life. Five seconds as Remus prayed to hell and back for a miracle.

'He's still breathing,' Remus breathed out, his heart hammering from rekindled hope. 'Gideon, he's breathing. We need to take him to the hospital!'

* * *

**2.23: The True Meaning of Family**

'Thanks for looking after Neville today,' Frank said as he leaned against the rocking chair Remus was sitting on to toe of his shoes. 'Alice and I haven't really had any time to ourselves for a while.' He bent down to kiss his infant son, fast asleep on Remus's lap, stroking his wispy brown hair with love only a father could feel. Even now, Frank wondered how a man like him could have created something so precious. 'We really needed it to…reconnect, I guess.' Reconnect was not quite the word Frank was looking for, but he had no desire of revealing the problems he and Alice had been having for nearly a year now. Instead, he stroked Neville's drooping chubby cheeks before straightening. 'I hope he didn't give you too much trouble.'

Remus shook his head and smiled. 'He's been an angel. Has Alice gone to bed already?'

Frank nodded in affirmative, settling on the arm of the rocking chair and stopping its movements. For a moment, he couldn't help but feel that  _this_  was a family; him and Remus, and this little bundle of joy between them.  _This_ was what he had wanted and pictured when he had asked Alice to marry him; yet, it was with Remus that he actually seemed even close to achieving it. 'Remus,' he waited for his friend to look up, before tucking a wayward strand of sandy brown hair behind his ear. 'Are you all right? You've been so quiet lately and I know that these past couple of weeks haven't been easy, first with Sirius and then Fabian. I'm a little worried about you.'

Remus's smile faltered and Frank felt like a fool for even bringing it up. 'I spoke to Gideon today. He said Fabian keeps asking for me.'

As with Sirius, Frank also felt jealousy course through him at simply the mention of another man in Remus's life. Yet, he was not surprised that things had come to this. Remus Lupin was a drug; and Frank had learned that first hand. The very proof was his body that was now betraying common sense and pressing close to Remus in a desire for proximity and intimacy. 'Do you want to visit him?'

Remus nodded. 'But Gideon asked me to never come near Fabian again; to keep as far from his family as possible. I-' His lower lip trembled and Frank rubbed his back in what he hoped was a comforting way. 'He has every right to be angry. It's my fault Fabian ended up this way. I was so cruel to him when-'

'Remus,' Frank scolded sharply. 'From what you told me about this boy, none of this was your fault. He was ill; very, very ill. It was his  _family_  who should have taken care of him from the start. His brother was living under the same roof but didn't once think of going into his room or asking him why he'd changed all his course timetables? He never once suspected that something was wrong all these months, but when it came to taking the blame, suddenly you were the only one responsible. It's preposterous!'

'I-'

Frank grabbed Remus by the chin and turned him to face him, 'Listen to me. That boy has no one to blame but himself. Right now, you are in a position where you could easily press charges and file for a restraining order; so if his brother decides to ever speak like that to you again, you can bloody well tell him that. Or even better, you can hand the phone over to me and I'll take care of this matter once and for all.' He breathed heavily, only realising that he had gotten a little carried away in his anger and let his protective nature for Remus come through beyond what was considered "friendly". He apologised, letting go of the man and shifting his gaze to his feet. 'Just, don't take this all upon yourself,' he murmured. 'Sirius, too; he never deserved you to start with. I always believed you were too good for him, but he seemed like he loved you so I never…' Frank pressed his lips together, trying to keep his word vomit under control. Instead, he focused on taking his baby from Remus's arms and tucking the child into his crib.

'Thank you, Frank,' Remus whispered softly, unmoving as he stared at his feet. 'You've always been a good friend to me.'

Frank hummed, fussing over Neville's blankets. He wondered what Remus would say if he knew of the thoughts and feelings Frank had been having ever since Remus's arrival two days ago. In fact, the feelings had never once stopped; only intensified the moment Remus had called to let him know that he would be coming to Cardiff. He felt like a horrible person; he was not only betraying the trust of his wife with such thoughts, but also the trust of a friend who was clearly in need. 'Remus,' he started softly, 'perhaps it's better for you if you didn't do this right now. Sometimes truth is a hard thing to handle and I don't want you to get hurt. Least of all, over a past you cannot change.' He turned, his eyes worriedly looking into those of his friend's. He had always loved how beautiful those eyes were, even when saddened with grief. 'If you are doing this to forget about everything that happened in London, then I recommend you don't. There are many other, less painful ways to go on about this.'

'I _am_  doing it to forget about London,' Remus admitted truthfully to Frank's worst fear. 'But I am also doing it because I am lost. I'm so, so lost, Frank.' And he looked it; Frank had thought so the moment he'd seen him get off the train. 'I  _need_ this. I need to know who I am and where I came from. I-' He shook his head, unwilling to say anymore.

Frank looked away, clutching the bars of the crib so tightly, he could feel the ridges digging into his palm. He focused on his son, reminding himself why he was resisting pulling Remus into a strong embrace and shielding the man from everything that had gone wrong with his life thus far. Because there was one thing that bastard Sirius had been right about; and that was that Frank had long given up his right to Remus.

He looked back at Remus from the corner of his eyes, admiring the way the moonlight caressed the sharp lines of his face and sadness glimmered in his bright amber eyes.

Yes, Frank had given up his right to Remus.

But fuck, he regretted it.

* * *

**2.24: The Other Man**

'Why did you bring me here, James?' Sirius asked wearily, looking at all the screaming children around them. 'This is a children's party. All the people here have children or  _are children._ I'm sticking out like a sore thumb.'

James rolled his eyes as Sirius complained for the umpteenth time. 'Look, Sirius, I promised Arthur I would bring you along. Apparently his wife's younger brother is a big fan of the Moto and meeting you will be a huge surprise for him. He's been down for quite a while now because of some family tragedy.' He smiled winningly, clearly thinking that stringing Sirius along into a pointless favour was a brilliant idea. 'Besides, when was the last time you got out and saw some sunshine?'

Two months, one week, three days, and eight hours. Since Remus had turned and left his life forever.

'What does her brother look like anyway?' Sirius asked, trying hard not to think about Remus. The key to Remus's flat still hung heavy around his neck, and Sirius reached to touch it through his shirt. 'Or are we looking for someone with red hair and brown eyes. Because I can tell you right now that there are at least twenty of those here in this party. The Weasley ginger breeds and spreads like an epidemic.'

James smacked him up head. 'They're your distant cousins too; don't forget, and the Prewetts have blue eyes, I think. Ah, there he is!' As predicted, James pointed towards two red heads conversing together, along with Arthur Weasley. They looked so alike that if James hadn't mentioned it before, Sirius would have mistook them for twins. 'Oh good, Fay's here with him. You can meet both brothers at the same time.' James waved his arms to catch both the brothers' attention. 'Hello!' James called, dragging a reluctant Sirius by the forearm. As they got closer, Sirius also noticed that one of the brothers was much slighter than the other and looked quite sickly. 'It's great to see you again!'

They had hardly gotten a few inches within the two brothers, when the thinner one suddenly attacked Sirius with all his strength. Sirius reeled back mostly from the shock of being accosted unexpectedly. The next attack, Sirius was prepared for, and he held both of the boy's wrists restrictively. The boy was so slender that even his struggles against Sirius's hold were weak and sluggish. His expression as he looked at Sirius was one of pure hatred; eyes wild and lips pulled back in a snarl. Sirius did not understand what he could have possibly done to this boy to have earned so much wrath.

'You drove him away!' The boy screamed so loudly that a few people turned to look at them. 'You drove him away, you bastard!'

'Fabian, calm down! You're making a scene!' Gideon scolded, wrapping both arms around his brother from behind to restrict him. He urged Sirius to let go, taking both of Fabian's hands in his instead. 'Fay, please, don't do this!' He held his brother tighter when Fabian started to thrash and kick in an attempt to get out. 'Fabian!'

'A bastard like you didn't deserve him, but he loved you! And you knew that, didn't you?' Fabian spat, spittle flying from his mouth like a madman. 'You used it, letting him believe that the feeling was mutual. He waited for you; all the fucking time! Waited for you to call, waited for you to come, waited for you to tell him you loved him. Waited and waited and waited! He was going to spend his whole life in the closet as long as you loved him! He was the biggest, most desperate fucking idiot I had ever met!' He would have screamed more, but Gideon suddenly covered his mouth with his hand and dragged him forcefully away like a ragdoll, still kicking and fighting. He did not as much as a glance back at Sirius and James.

'Sorry about that,' Arthur apologised once both brothers had gone inside. Sirius had been staring at them so intently that he had forgotten about Arthur. 'Fay hasn't been well lately. It's our fault for not noticing.' Arthur ran a hand through his thinning hair. 'There was this boy he was in love with. Well, we all thought it was an infatuation, though Gid did warn him not to get involved. Apparently, Fay was just hell bent on this boy. Gid won't tell us the details, but I guess Fay got turned down. That boy was in love with someone else and well, Fay just couldn't handle it. This wasn't his first outburst. He just…' Arthur shrugged helplessly.

Sirius only needed to look at James's face to confirm his suspicions. It was Fabian. And now, he could not see anything but the boy's sickly face in front of his eyes. Of course Arthur wouldn't know who Remus was or why Fabian's outburst had been directed at Sirius specifically. He had never met either of them. He could only lament over the state of his brother in law. It wasn't as if Sirius had not noticed the boy's appearance: sunken bloodshot eyes, pale skin, unwashed hair, and wrinkled clothing. But he found he felt little remorse for the boy; if anything, just remembering his face sent a surge of red hot anger through his body.

Sirius had finally met the  _other man._

'He's been seeing a psychiatrist, but we aren't sure if any of it is helping. Gideon accompanies him in each session and tells me that Fay's really isn't doing so well. I hope he hasn't hurt you, Sirius. I-'

'I'm sorry. I just need to…' Sirius didn't bother completing the sentence. He ran.

He ran as bile rose up his throat, bitter against his tongue. His hair whipped against his face cruelly and his muscles protested from the lack of oxygen, but he continued to run until he was at the parking lot. Only then did he realise he hadn't even been breathing, and he collapsed against James's car as he took huge gulps of air. The cold air hurt his chest, but brought relief to the blood pulsing through his veins. He pulled open the car door and quickly got in, cursing when he realised that James had the keys. 'Damn it!' He banged the wheel with his fist before resting his head upon it, still breathing heavily. 'Damn it,' he cursed again weakly.

Sirius missed him. Despite everything, Sirius missed him so much that he felt as if someone had torn away a part of his soul. Scrabbling, he fished out his wallet, where he'd kept a picture of Remus to keep him company during his trip to Sweden. He hadn't had the heart to take it out; Sirius had never gone so long without seeing Remus. Even in the face of betrayal, Sirius found solace in Remus's gentle features. He ran his thumb across the picture, his lips pressing together from the emotion that welled up in him from a simple motion. 'Damn it, Remus.  _Why?_ ' He asked softly, crumpling the picture in his hand and flinging it away from himself. 'Why?' They had been so good together; so, so good. Now that Remus was no longer in his life, the answer to what Sirius had asked Alphard about choices seemed simple. He felt foolish for even asking. There had never been a choice at all. For Sirius, it was always Remus above everything.

'Are you all right?' Sirius looked up to see James sitting in the passenger seat beside him, concern marring his features. Tentatively, he placed a hand on Sirius's shoulder. 'Why don't we switch seats, and I'll drive you back home?'

Sirius nodded reluctantly, switching places with James and strapping himself in the passenger seat. He tried not to notice when James picked up the picture of Remus Sirius had discarded to the floor in a fit of anger.

'Was it true what Fabian said?' James asked, smoothing the photograph with the palm of his hand. He looked up, his hazel eyes searching. 'I've known you for a long time, Sirius, and you've always valued friendship above all else. I don't want to believe that you used Remus in any way.'

'I-' Sirius swallowed. 'He was right,' he admitted, wringing his hands in his lap. 'I used the fact that he loved me unconditionally. He never said no to anything I asked; never protested to the rules I lay down. I was so confident he wouldn't leave me.' Sirius knew he had been unkind; he had always known. But admitting it to James made the reality of his situation harder to cope with. 'Fuck, two years we were together, James, and I never stayed the night. I can't tell you what kind of sleeper he is, if he hogs the blankets, if he's a morning person, or what kind of breakfast he likes. He wanted to come out to you, do you know? But I wouldn't let him because I was afraid you would figure out that I was gay too, and it terrified me. It  _still_ terrifies me. Shit!' He let his head drop back, staring at the ceiling. 'I didn't even call him for the whole month we were away; not once. I didn't really think about how he would feel. I just thought that if I could figure myself out first; figure what I wanted from us and for myself in the future. If I could just be sure I wanted to take that risk and really be with him. I just…I was so confused…and I don't know what I was thinking.' He ran both hands through his hair, fingers gripping tightly. 'And now, it's too late. He's gone and I can't un-see what he's done. It's all I think about; him with this other man, fucking behind my back. And I can't bring myself to forgive him for it. I just…I miss him so bloody much, James.'

They sat in silence for a while, the sound of the engine running calming Sirius's nerves slightly.

'Do you love him?'

Sirius gnawed at his lower lip. 'I don't know.'

'Then perhaps Remus was right to leave.'

Sirius tilted his head sideways, too numb of feeling to be shocked by James's admission. 'You think so?'

James nodded, looking at the photograph of Remus in his hands. 'I'm not saying what he did was right. But…' He sighed, turning in his seat so that they faced each other. 'Are you that much of an idiot, Sirius, for not having figured it out already?'

Sirius frowned. 'I don't understand.'

James shook his head in defeat, pushing the photograph back into Sirius's palm. 'Then you still have a long way to go, mate.'

* * *

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork Disclaimer: Done Forby by myprettycabinet ( myprettycabinet. / art/ Done-For-282688627)

**Part 3: How We Pieced Together**

**3.1: Roots**

'Oh dear Lord, it really  _is_  you!'

Thick arms engulfed him in a hug and Remus could not help but return it, his hands splayed across her back. She was much shorter than him and she stood on her tip-toes so that she could rest her head in the centre of his chest as she murmured intelligibly in Welsh. She had barely moved away, when another set of arms wrapped around him much more tightly. Shaking hands touched his face, mapping his features with disbelief. There were tears in the man's green eyes and they soaked Remus's shirt, as the man pulled him back in for an embrace. They both stood in front of him, still staring at him with wonder. Remus smiled tentatively, fidgeting on the balls of his feet as he stood on the front step of their house.

It was his first time meeting his grandparents.

'You look so much like him,' John Lupin whispered, tucking errant strands of Remus's sandy blond hair behind his ears. 'Especially your eyes. I feel as if he's back here, in front of me.' Fresh tears pooled in his eyes and he quickly wiped them away. 'Come in, lad. Forgive us for being sceptical over the phone. We just didn't know what to think.' He gripped Remus by the forearm, pulling him into the house gently. 'We've always had a lot of calls about Lyall and Hope; newspapers and magazines trying to rehash old mysteries. Then Charlus contacted us a few years back, spouting about how he had found Lyall's lost son and I thought he was up to one of his schemes again. I never liked that boy, you know; always thought he was a terrible influence on Lyall.'

'Charlus has been very kind to me,' Remus defended, feeling a wave of protectiveness for his guardian. 'He took me in as his own and he made me into what I am today. I don't think I would even be alive if not for him.'

'Forgive an old man, Remus,' Patricia Lupin apologised for her husband. 'John didn't mean any disrespect. If anything, perhaps we owe Charlus an apology. We were quite harsh to him when he called. The loss of a child is not something easily dealt with even after all these years.'

Remus hummed but said nothing further. His curiosity led him to look around the house in wonderment, trying to imagine what it must have felt like for his father to grow up here. There was a cosiness to the house that felt welcoming and warm. The walls were lined with a floral wallpaper, violet on cream; and the windows had white lace curtains that fluttered in the breeze coming through. The hallway walls were lined with pictures, mostly of Remus's father over the years and a few family portraits. Just at the end of the hallway before turning into the living room, stood a glass showcase full of old awards and medals that Lyall had won in school. In the living room, on the mantel just above the fireplace, Remus saw the very first picture of his own lost family. His father, though very similar to the photograph Charlus had given him, looked much older in the picture. His eyes were just like Remus's, bright and amber; and Remus had clearly also inherited his height. Lyall Lupin towered over his smaller, petite wife, who looked exactly as she did at sixteen. They were sitting on a red picnic blanket with a small baby sleeping in between them as they smiled at the camera. Each of them had a finger tucked into the baby's closed fists. There were many more pictures across the mantel and Remus looked at them greedily, watching himself grow from a baby to a boy. At the very end of the mantel sat two plaques, each with a set of footprints embedded into them.

'That one is yours,' John Lupin pointed out with a gnarled finger. 'It has your name at the bottom. Remus John Lupin; your father kept your middle name after me.' The old man's hands trembled as he took the other plaque in his hands. 'This one is your father's,' he said, voice thick with tears. 'He was so small when he was born; could nearly fit in the palm of my hand. But he stared at us with such large amber eyes, just like your grandmother's.' He traced the footprints lovingly, before placing them back on the mantel. 'I'm sorry. I must be making this very awkward for you.'

Remus shook his head and was just about to reassure John, when Patricia Lupin walked in with a tray full of biscuits and tea. The biscuits smelled freshly baked and were warm to touch when Remus offered to help her with the tray. The scent of chocolate alone was enough to make his mouth water, but he reminded himself that he was not at the Potters and needed to maintain his manners. Dorea always found his biscuit hogging tendencies endearing and often indulged him even at this age. It seemed ironic to Remus how he felt much more comfortable with the Potters than his own family.

'Do you still like chocolate chip kind?' Patricia asked, as she seated herself on the chaise beside Remus. 'They were your favourite when you were younger; I remember once when you made yourself sick from having too many.' She laughed to herself as she reminisced. 'You cried for hours and wouldn't let go of Hope the entire time. Such a mummy's boy. You really were quite a handful.'

'I'm sorry,' Remus apologised, resting his tea cup on his lap. 'I don't remember much from before.' He wondered if it would make them feel better if he admitted to still like chocolate chip cookies and being rather attached to Dorea Potter, who was as good as a mother to him.

Both John and Patricia's face fell, but they tried their hardest to not let it show. 'It's all right, dear,' Patricia assured with a weak smile. 'You were so young, barely five. We can't help but reminisce. You really do look so much like Lyall.' She reached up to stroke his cheek. 'You've grown up to be such a handsome boy.'

Remus blushed. 'Charlus says I look like my mother.'

'He would,' John Lupin shot, his face darkening. His dislike for Charlus Potter was clear through his words, and Remus imagined Charlus had not left a very good reputation of himself before leaving Conwy.

'Perhaps what we each see in you is the person we loved the most,' Patricia replied kindly, sending John a stern look.

Perhaps, Remus agreed silently. 'Will you tell me about them?' He asked hesitantly, wondering how much they would be willing to tell him. He imagined it would be very painful to rehash all their old memories. While Remus felt an attachment to his parents by default of blood, he had never truly known them and could remember nothing of his childhood.

Remus's fears were put to rest when both his grandparents smiled. 'I guess it all started when Hope, your mother, thought she was pregnant, though she and Lyall had been friends for much longer.' Patricia Lupin started, leaning back against the chaise with her tea. 'The poor girl; the minute she told her parents, they disowned her. Charlus had also refused to take responsibility for her and the child. She really had nowhere to turn to, so we decided to take her in. Back then, if you were expecting before marriage, it was something truly frowned upon. Perhaps we wouldn't have been as kind if not for Lyall. He was so madly in love with her.'

'He decided to marry her before anyone found out,' John continued in place of his wife. 'We protested, but not because she was pregnant with someone else's child. We were worried that she would not be able to love him back and he would just end up getting hurt. She was still distraught over Charlus the first few months, but marriage had her see a side of Lyall that she'd never seen before as a friend. Especially after the pregnancy tested false and he still stayed with her. I guess she was afraid he had done all this out of pity for her or loyalty for Charlus. Charlus had that sort of effect of Lyall. Even after having left Conwy without an explanation or goodbye, Lyall maintained that Charlus was a good person and his best friend.'

Patricia shook her head. 'None of us really had anything to worry about. Lyall was always such a charming boy that it was only a matter of time that she fell in love with him, too.' She turned to him, again, looking deep into his eyes with a mixture of sadness and joy. An errant tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away quickly, embarrassed. 'He had eyes just like yours; the kind that people just fell in love with.'

Remus doubted it. Sirius had never fallen in love with him, eyes or not. Subconsciously, he touched the ring around his neck. He was not ready to part with it as of yet, but he promised himself that he would eventually. He would no longer be held down by it.

'Why don't you get some of the wedding pictures out?' John suggested, clapping his hands together. 'I'm sure young Remus would want to see them.'

* * *

**3.2: I'm Home**

'I don't want him.'

'Sirius.' Logan was quickly losing patience with him, Sirius knew, but he refused to settle. 'Do not do this! You cannot afford to have another replacement, do you understand? This is your fifth in two months. If you keep this up, no one will want to work with you!'

'And I don't want to work with them!' Sirius exclaimed, taking off his gloves and pushing them into his locker. 'I am not going to settle for mediocre technicians, who half-heartedly floss through my bike instead of actually having it work!'

'You mean you are not going to settle for anything but Remus!' Logan banged one of the closed lockers with his fist.

Sirius felt his face heat up and he closed his locker loudly. 'Remus was four seconds faster than this twat you brought me!' He defended. 'He also made sure to make adjustments according to what tracks I was going to race in and suggested improvements to my bikes so that I actually had a chance of winning! I'll break a leg first before this bloody new idiot does anything useful!'

'Sirius,  _no one_  is going to be as good as Remus, and you know this!' Logan fell on to the bench with a soft thump. 'He is a prodigy; I recognised that from the very beginning. But the Moto is still new and technicians are hard to come by. You've already gone through some of the best ones I can find. You need to give one of these guys a break!' He patted the space beside him, encouraging Sirius to sit down. 'Look, once Remus comes back, we'll talk him into coming back, I promise. But till then, I am  _begging_ you, please just stick with Ben.'

'I don't want-'

'You don't know what you want!' Logan yelled, losing his cool and standing up.

'And whose fault do you think that is!' Sirius screamed back. 'He left because of you!'

'He left because of  _you!'_ Logan growled. 'I asked you to be careful, Sirius, not to end whatever it was that you had with that boy! If he was so important to you, then you should have fought for him and tried to hold on to him! You made this decision for yourself, so be a fucking man, and own up to it. Don't go blaming it on me!' He pinched the bridge of his nose, glancing at James who had come on behalf of Nimbus Industries and a substitute for Remus to see how the bikes were working. 'Maybe you can talk some fucking sense into him.' He didn't wait for Sirius to defend himself any further, punching the locker door one last time and then walking out.

'Are you all right?' James asked softly, taking a seat beside Sirius and putting an arm around his shoulders.

Sirius shrugged, looking down at his feet. Logan was right. Sirius did not know what he wanted.

'Why don't you talk to him, Sirius?' James asked softly. Sirius could have tried to act oblivious, but he knew that it was pointless. They both knew what this was about. 'You clearly miss him.'

Sirius shuffled his feet restlessly. 'I can't.'

James sighed, looking about to protest and then giving up. He dug through his pockets, pulling out his mini-phonebook and a pen. 'Perhaps you're not interested, but Remus was staying in Cardiff with the Longbottoms until the day before yesterday.' He scribbled a number on to an empty page before tearing it out of the book. 'He's in Conwy now; this is his direct number in the inn he's staying in.' He pushed the paper into Sirius's hands. 'Whenever you're ready, give him a call. You'll find that you're not the only one going through a hard time right now.'

Sirius stared at the number in front of him, unsure what to say. 'He was staying with Frank?' Hot jealously coursed through him as it always did at the mention of Frank Longbottom. He had to remind himself that it didn't matter anymore, now that they were no longer together. Remus was free to be with whoever he liked; but why  _Frank?_

'Sirius,' James's tone was cautious, almost warning. 'Don't. Just…' He ran a hand through the back of his hair. 'Just go home. Go home, Sirius.'

_Home._

If Sirius were to tell what home was for him now, would James be angry?

Sirius didn't know when it had started. Much like today, he had packed his things after a practice session and climbed on to his motorcycle. As he sat down, he had pulled his visor down and closed his eyes, envisioning a place he felt most at peace. Then, he had let his mind drive, winding across the streets, almost unseeing of the cars in front of him. He had felt his small ponytail whipping at the back of his neck; he hadn't had the energy to cut it for months now. Some days, he felt invisible arms wind around his waist and a head rest on his shoulder, whispering endearments that always got lost in the wind.

It wouldn't matter what day it was or how Sirius was feeling. Just like today, he always came back to what his heart considered home.

Sirius pulled the silver chain from under his t-shirt, slipping the key at the end of it into the lock. When the lock clicked, he pushed the door open, taking off his shoes as he always did and padding barefoot on the hardwood floors. Some days, he would go into the kitchen and prepare himself a meal, but today he was not hungry. He yearned for familiar comfort. He started stripping in the living room itself, leaving a trail of clothes behind him all the way to the bedroom. He pulled open the cupboard, running his hands through every single piece of clothing, before pulling out Remus's most care worn t-shirt. It fell beyond Sirius's hip bones (Remus was a good few inches taller than him), and made Sirius feel safe and protected. He brought it up to his nose, inhaling that familiar scent of petrol under all the soap and detergent that had been used to wash it.

'Remus.'

Sirius peeled the comforter away, climbing into the bed and onto the side Remus always slept. He buried his nose into the pillow and let his body relax into the sheets.

Closing his eyes, he finally felt at peace.

'Remus.'

* * *

**3.3: A Mother Worries**

'Are you doing all right?'

'Yes. Don't mind Padfoot at the back. He's throwing a huff because I wouldn't take him out with me today. My grandmother is allergic to dogs and I went to see them again today. They've been telling me about my parents and I guess, a little bit about me. I think they expect me to remember some of it, but I don't.'

Dorea hummed, cradling the phone between her shoulder and neck as she adjusted the pillows behind her. 'How do you feel about that, Remus?' She asked introspectively as she sat down on the sofa.

She knew him so well, she could almost see him shrugging uncertainly. 'I don't really know. It all still feels very strange. It feels strange to have other people know more about my life than me.'

'Sweetheart, that's only a part of your life,' she said sympathetically. Dorea could not imagine how he was feeling at the moment and wished she could see his face, even for a while. Her heartstrings tugged painfully at his absence. 'I understand that it was a significant, but you've lived and conquered so much more. I want you to remember that.' Her fingers traced the flower patterns on the sofa idly, as she allowed herself to say something a little bit selfish to him: 'And if you feel uncomfortable at any point, you understand that you don't have to do this. You can stop any time.'

The line crackled with static. 'I don't think I can,' he replied slowly, as if he himself were hesitant. 'I need to  _know,_  Dorea. I was lost for the longest time to a point where I just didn't recognise myself anymore. I just feel like I need to find myself again; to go back to being who I was. I-' He seemed to mull over his words. 'I need closure.'

Dorea knew this; he had told her the same thing on the day he had left for Wales as she hugged him with all the reluctance of a woman who didn't want him to go. It wasn't as if she hadn't noticed the change in him before he had told her, especially after his meltdown during James and Lily's wedding. She had just hoped that he would find himself without having to go so far away. 'It's funny how you sound more and more like Charlus every day.'

Remus chuckled. 'Is that a bad thing?'

She smiled and shook her head, although he couldn't see her. 'Given that I love both of you, perhaps not.'

'I miss you, Dorea; all of you.'

She found herself choking up and tried to control the tremble in her voice as she spoke, 'You will come back, won't you, Remus?'

'I don't know yet. Conwy…' He breathed. 'It's my home; where I'm from.'

She wondered why it was that foster children, no matter how much you loved them, always wanted to go back to their biological parents. A wave of jealousy passed through her as she realised that even in death, she had once again lost to Hope Lupin. 'We're your home,' she argued, feeling a few tears slip past her eyes.

'Please don't cry, Dorea.'

He was always perceptive; more so than either James or Sirius. 'Silly boy, I'm not crying.' She laughed weakly. 'I'm in the kitchen cutting onions.' She knew it was a horrible excuse, but could not think of anything that would cover her selfishness and overprotectiveness over a boy that was adult enough to make his own decision. 'We're going to go see little Harry today and Lily wanted some key lime pie.'

'Key lime doesn't have onions in it.'

Dorea laughed. She would have hit his arm lightly if he were here. If it had been James, he would have been oblivious enough to believe her. Sirius would have noticed, quick as he was, but would have only tried to put onions into her pie the next time she tried to make some in an effort to silently cheer her up. Remus, who always helped her in the kitchen, however, would not hesitate to point out the obvious. 'I understand if you want to stay, Remus,' she assured him, despite her misgivings. 'But you know that I have always considered both you and Sirius my sons. I can't help but get overtly attached.' She smiled bitterly. 'James always complains I coddle too much and that I need to let my chicks fly sometime. I suppose I forget sometimes that I'm not your mother.'

'You will always be my mother, Dorea.'

Dorea covered her mouth with her hand as a sob escaped her.

'You should stop cutting those onions.'

Dorea let out a watery laugh. 'Don't be cheeky with me, young lad!' They both laughed together over the phone, even though it wasn't that funny. She missed him; she missed all of them. The house was always empty, but at least James and Sirius were near enough to frequently visit. With Remus, she worried. Not only because he was far away, but because she wasn't sure if he would return or if he was all right. He remembered as he left, how tightly he had hugged her and Charlus, and how he had been so near tears. Something had been wrong, she knew, but both Remus and James had refused to tell her what. It brought an uneasiness in her heart that she simply could not put to rest. 'You  _are_  okay, aren't you, Remus?' She asked, coiling the telephone cord around her fingers.

There was a small pause, before Remus replied sombrely, 'I will be.'

* * *

**3.4: Giving Life**

'John won't be joining us today,' Patricia Lupin said softly as she handed Remus his tea. 'He still has a hard time coping with Lyall's death and I don't wish to make this any more difficult for him. I hope you understand.'

Remus nodded. He had noticed early on that his grandfather was more prone to breakdowns during Remus's visits, especially when they started rehashing old memories or going through photograph albums. Some days, when John was feeling particularly weak, simply looking at Remus's face would reduce him to tears.

Patricia Lupin sat down beside him and took a deep breath before announcing the inevitable. 'I suppose it's time I told you how your parents died.'

Remus swallowed thickly and nodded. This was what he had been waiting for all this time; the very reason he had taken the time to search for links to his past. He was about to find out how he had come to be; how he had gone from an only child in a loving family to a street mongrel. 'Please.' It was his cue for her to start.

'As you know, John had started working in the Prophet here in Conwy as an investigative journalist. It was his ideal career, but I suppose, not his ideal job. He was frustrated with Conwy; very little happens here past petty thievery, you see. So when he got an opportunity to transfer to London, he didn't think twice.' Patricia wrapped her arms around herself, shivering slightly despite the warm fire burning in the hearth. 'Hope was reluctant at first. She had never really gone beyond Conwy and she worried if she would be able to raise you properly in a big city. But Lyall had a dream to fulfil and she couldn't bear to take that away from him.' She smiled at Remus, her eyes crinkling in the corners. 'Lyall did well for himself there. He didn't rise to stardom over night, but he was fulfilled. Everything started to go wrong when he was assigned to the Greyback case.'

Remus had read about this during his research. Fenrir Greyback had been a notorious criminal and drug overlord. He had a policy to "catch them young". He picked up impoverished children off the streets and stole many more after murdering their parents in cold blood. These children were then used to his advantage; some were sold to brothels or wealthy individuals with illegal desires. Some were brought into his syndicate as dealers and producers. Some were simply killed to quench Greyback's blood thirst. Just reading about Greyback's past made Remus sick; the only consolation had been that Greyback had been caught and sentenced to death following his parents' murders.

'Back then, while Greyback's crimes were well known, the man himself was hard to catch. They did not have any photographs of what he looked like; and only a handful of artistic impressions from possible witnesses. Greyback did not leave any survivors to tell the tale and he certainly didn't leave enough trails to be convicted.' Patricia's face twisted with disgust as she talked about the man who killed her son. 'The police had actually brought him in on some minor offense that made the fourteenth page of the Prophet. He looked so ordinary that none of them suspected him of being the most wanted criminal of that time. No one batted a single eyelid, except Lyall.' Her hands balled into tight fists and Remus, feeling somehow connected to her at that very moment, put his hands over hers. 'They all made fun of him. Told him he was better off chasing pickpockets in Wales, but he was steadfast about his suspicions. Lyall had a good reputation in the Prophet and that was the only reason his boss allowed him the Greyback case. The bottom line was: if Lyall could bring in enough proof, they would run the article.'

Remus had also read his father's article and many that came after it. Charlus had always said that Remus should be proud of his father. Though Charlus had not known the details like Patricia did, he had not once hesitated in thinking that Lyall Lupin had lost his life in an honourable way.  _Lyall was a man of principle,_ he had told Remus many, many times,  _and his sacrifice saved hundreds of innocent lives that would have been lost otherwise._ While everything Charlus said had turned out true, Remus felt more angry than proud. Yes, his father had been nothing short of a hero but at Remus's expense. Remus had paid the cost of Lyall's sacrifice by leading a life of confusion, hardship, and loneliness.

'Revenge,' Patricia spat venomously. 'That's what you lost your parents to, Remus. Revenge for ousting the most wanted man in all of London; revenge for telling the truth.' Her hands tightened around his almost painfully as she mirrored his anger. 'He broke into the house in the middle of the night, through your bedroom window. Your parents must have heard him come in or you might have screamed, we don't know, but the police said there were signs of a scuffle. Your father had fought back; his body was found in your room. Your mother's was found downstairs near the front door but she'd never quite made it. All the exits were bolted shut; that bastard made sure no one had the chance to escape. Greyback had set fire to the house before leaving and half of your home had burned down before help had arrived. They assumed that the reason they never found your body was because you might have gotten caught in the fire.'

'So,' Remus bit his lip, 'so you don't know how I…how I survived?'

Patricia shook her head, her eyes filling with tears. 'I'm sorry, sweetheart.' She leaned forward to hug him tightly, stroking his hair. 'If John and I had known you were alive; if there was even a hint of it…' She kissed his hair gently. 'That night we lost everything; our whole family. I cannot explain to you how distraught we were.' She disentangled from him, cupping his face in both hands. 'This is the first time I've seen John this happy in fifteen years, and all it took was a visit from you.'

'But you don't know how I got here,' Remus whispered, his disappointment churning and turning to a feeling of hopelessness. 'No one in this whole bloody world knows how I survived. Not Charlus and not the police. You were my last hope.' He had abandoned everything in the anticipation that he would find his salvation here, but he felt as lost now as when he'd started this whole journey.

'I'm sorry, Remus,' Patricia apologised, looking genuinely upset that she could not be of more help. 'I've reached the limit of my knowledge. I wish I could help you, I really do. If you had any other questions, I'd be happy to answer them…'

Remus buried his face into hands, his fingers clutching at the necklace around his neck for some kind of respite or comfort. 'Who am I, grandma?' he choked out. 'Why am I here?'

She rubbed his back soothingly. 'You are Remus John Lupin and you are here because your parents loved you.'

* * *

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

 

**Part 3: How We Pieced Together**

**3.5: Leaving a Mark**

Sirius spat into the sink and washed his toothbrush, before putting it back in the cabinet. As he washed his face, he looked up into the mirror with a frown. He really was overdue for a haircut, but found himself more and more reluctant to go to the barbers. His signature sleek black locks had become shaggy and shapeless, hanging around his face messily. Most days, Sirius simply tied it away from his face into a ponytail, and did not think about it further. Remus would have complained. Remus, who loved to run his fingers through Sirius's hair when it was damp with sweat after sex. Remus, who would towel Sirius's hair dry with a smile, even after Sirius had tracked rain water and mud into the house.

Sirius looked away.

He dried his face on the bottom of his own t-shirt before pulling it over his head and discarding it in the laundry basket. The laundry needed to get done as well, he realised, as the shirt simply toppled to the ground due to overflow. He was going to run out of Remus's clothes and then have to start wearing his own – something he did not want to do. He pulled on the pair of jeans he had laid out on the bed. They were not in the best of shape; they had stains of all kinds on them: oil, paint, dirt; Remus never really held back when it came to work and his clothes showed it. Perhaps that's why Sirius loved them so much – they were careworn. He wasn't too bothered by the appearance of his clothes; he would have to change into gear for practice anyway. Sirius had just slipped on a new shirt over his head, when he heard the bell ring. He frowned, but ignored it, even after five more rings followed.

'Sirius, I know you are in there! Let me in!' James's voice thundered through the house.

Sirius's eyes widened. He wondered if James would go away if he kept silent long enough.

James had resorted to banging the door instead of ringing the bell again. 'Sirius, open the door! Pretending you are not in there isn't convincing anybody! I will break this door down if I have to!'

Reluctantly, Sirius trudged towards the door and opened it. He found James standing there with his fist up, looking ready to follow through his promise to knock the door down.

'You are fucking insane!' James growled, shouldering past Sirius into the house. He was clearly not in the mood to be invited in. He waited with his arms crossed as Sirius closed and locked the door, before exploding. 'Have you lost your fucking mind? Have you completely gone off the bend? Because  _this,'_  he wildly gestured around them with his hands, 'is bloody  _illegal!_ ' He raised his hand, not allowing Sirius to say anything in his defence. 'Just  _don't_ speak. Because nothing you say can explain away why you are living in your ex-lover's house without his permission or knowledge!' He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. 'Are those even your jeans?' He asked, already knowing the answer. 'Sirius, why are you doing this to yourself?'

Why was he doing this? Sirius didn't know. He couldn't give James an answer if he tried. All he knew was that he couldn't go back to his own flat.

'Sirius, if you miss him so much, why don't you give him a call and talk it through with him?' James asked tiredly, falling back into one of the sofas. 'It would be a lot less disturbing than living in his flat.' He took one look at Sirius's guilty face and knew there was more to it than just that. They really were like brothers. His face twisted with disbelief as comprehension dawned on him. 'Dear Lord, you've moved in, haven't you?' he cried, eyeing Sirius's shoes and coats arranged together with Remus's in the front; Sirius's favourite mugs sitting beside Remus's on the kitchen counter; and Sirius's books lining the empty spaces in Remus's bookshelf. If James checked inside, he would notice Sirius's toothbrush and razor beside Remus's in the cabinet and his clothes in the cupboard. 'Sirius, I don't know whether to feel sorry for you or be scared of you.'

'I'll remove everything before Remus comes back,' Sirius reasoned, sitting down on the sofa opposite to James.

'Remus may not come back, Sirius,' James said, pity lacing his voice as he looked up at Sirius. 'He's thinking of staying in Conwy.'

Sirius felt like he had been doused in cold water. 'W-Why?' His throat felt dry and he clutched the knees of his jeans tightly, wishing he had something of Remus's to hold on to.  _Slipping away;_  Remus was slipping away from Sirius's life without as much as a backward glance. 'Did he tell you why?'

James shook his head. 'Mum is beside herself with worry. He's had two more attacks this month. Nothing too serious,' he assured hastily when he noticed Sirius's look of panic, 'but definitely more than usual. Padfoot is there with him, so he is able to anticipate the worst of them. But he was knocked out for an entire day, so he couldn't make or receive any of our calls. Padfoot isn't trained for the phones in the hotel and he doesn't exactly understand area codes. Dad was close to just booking a ticket to Conwy to check on him. Mum reckons it's the stress; she thinks Remus shouldn't be putting himself through this.'

'James,' Sirius started with urgency, 'you have to convince him to come back. Please, I've checked the cabinets and he hasn't taken enough medication to last over a month, let alone forever.' His eyes were wide with worry and fear, and his hands clutched the arms of the sofa on either side. 'And he's terrible about remembering to take his medication, especially when he gets involved with work. Mrs. Potter still monitors him and I had to remind him sometimes. He can't do this alone.'  _I_  can't do this alone.

'Do you think we haven't tried?' James shot back in agitation. 'If you are so concerned for him, why don't you give him a fucking call and try to convince him? Instead of asking me every day how he is, why not ask him yourself? Instead of holing yourself in his flat with his things and carrying that one photograph around with you everywhere, why not go visit him and be there for him?' He got up to his feet, pacing, as he ran his hands through the back of his hair. 'You know what your problem is, Sirius; the real reason he cheated on you? It's because you have such a hard time showing that you actually fucking  _care!'_

James might as well have slapped him. 'I cared!' he screaming, standing to face James. 'I cared for him more than I'd cared for anyone else! I would have done anything for him! He was my  _life_!'

'And have you ever told him that?' James asked calmly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 'Tell me, Sirius, does Remus know that?' Frustration built up in Sirius and he pushed James hard in the shoulders to vent it. James stood his ground. 'Why are you here, Sirius? If you can't call him, then just accept that you are over and  _go home._ What will living here achieve except misery?'

Sirius shook his head. 'I can't.'

'Sirius…'

'You don't understand, James! There was not a single thing in his flat; not a single thing that was  _mine_. No pictures, no left over clothes, or movies.  _Nothing_ to prove to me that this was real. That  _we_  happened.' Sirius rested his forehead against James's chest. 'My own house isn't any better. I can't go back there, James. I can't go back to a place where there's no Remus.'

James sighed, resting his hand on the crown of Sirius's head and pulling him into an awkward one armed hug. 'Please, just call him, Sirius.'

Sirius whined reluctantly. He doubted Remus wanted to talk to him and he himself felt unprepared to forget that he had been betrayed. Sirius was saved from further lament when a loud, continuous horn pierced the air and startled them both into parting. Sirius's curse was drowned out by a second go at the horn. He ran to the window, with his hands over his ears and quickly closed to it. 'Fucking rich bastards and their limos!' He sneered, when he noticed a tall black limousine parked outside on the curb. The driver was pressing down on the car horn viciously without a care for the people around him. 'They think they can do whatever the fuck they want. This is a quiet neighbourhood!'

'That fucking rich bastard would be you,' James informed him with a smirk as Sirius looked at him incredulously. 'How do you think I found out you were living here? That bloody Skeeter woman was attempting to publish an article about how poorly even top racers are paid that they need to move house and downgrade their lifestyles. She would have published your address for the world to see if we didn't thwart her attempts first and charge her for illegal use of private information.' His mouth took a downturn, expressing his clear dislike for the woman. Not that anyone liked Skeeter. Sirius personally thought she was an insipid bitch who only knew how to inflate gossip. 'So now, to prove a point, we've decided to give you a suave ride to go with your suave status in the Moto world.'

'No.' Sirius replied immediately. 'I'm not riding in that ugly beast. I ride  _bikes_  for a living, James.'

'I didn't give you a choice on the matter,' James deadpanned. 'I'm carving a public image for you here and I really did get you the best. That  _ugly beast_  has its own bar, disco ball, and private telephone. So don't complain and get your arse in there, otherwise I tell the police exactly where you've been illegally living this entire month.'

* * *

**3.6: Thoughts of Love**

'You chicken was delicious, Grandma. Thank you.'

John Lupin beamed. 'It used to be Lyall's favourite, too.' John always got happy when he found similarities between Remus and Lyall. While Patricia was not so different, John seemed near desperate to find his lost son in Remus.

Patricia set a large helping of chocolate pudding in front of Remus, making him salivate. 'He had an outrageous sweet tooth as well, just like Remus.' She chuckled softly and kissed Remus's cheek when he blushed. He had hoped no one would notice. 'If I had a shilling for every time we had to visit the dentist.'

By the time she had joined them at the table again, Remus was already on his fourth spoonful of pudding. 'Remus, dear, I know you told me you weren't married yet, but I couldn't help but notice you always wear a ring around your neck,' Patricia observed curiously. 'Is it perhaps a fashion statement for all the young lads of today, or something a bit more special?' When she noticed Remus tense, she apologised quickly. 'I don't mean to pry.'

Remus subconsciously touched the ring that sat just in the middle of his chest. 'It's special,' he admitted softly. 'To me, at least.' His ring finger slipped in, and he marvelled at how perfectly it fit before he pulled it back out. 'But I should have learned to part with it by now.'

Sirius had not tried to contact him once since Remus had walked out, and that was proof enough of how insignificant he had been in the man's life. Remus did not doubt his decision to break things off anymore. Fabian had been right about one thing; if Sirius had begun to seek normalcy in women, it was only a matter of time before he pushed Remus to the side. But his decision, however firm, did not hurt any less and certainly did not keep him from missing him. Sirius had been his best friend above all else and some nights, when Remus was feeling low after another disheartening rehash of his forgotten past, Remus just wanted a friend. A friend that wasn't all fur. Though Frank and James always made sure to call and check up on him, Remus felt guilty for taking his friends away from their families to listen to his petty problems.

'I see,' Patricia exchanged a glance with John. 'Have you told her how you feel?'

Remus laughed bitterly. Sirius had never lacked of Remus's affections, teasing out those three God forsaken words out of him every time they made love. Not once had Sirius told him he loved him back and Remus hadn't even noticed until it was too late. 'I was stupid enough to,' he replied, putting his spoon down as he lost his appetite completely. He touched the ring again, his index tracing the inscription of  _forever_ carved on the inside.

John patted him on the back. 'Love is a complicated thing. Perhaps she wasn't the one for you, eh?'

 _He **was**  the one for me. _Remus had never felt anything for anyone other than Sirius. 'No, I guess not,' Remus replied, contrary to his true feelings. He did not need his grandparents to know his preferences or the details of his love life; not yet. Certainly not before the Potters; Remus owed them the truth the most. 'How did you and grandma meet?' Remus asked, changing the subject with a fake smile.

For the next hour, Remus only half-heartedly listened, his thoughts a muddle as he rotated the ring on his neck again and again between his fingers. He was glad when it was finally bed time for the Lupins and politely declined their invitations to stay, just as he did every time. He felt exhausted despite not having done anything taxing and itched to go back to the inn. A small part of him desperately wanted to talk to Dorea, just to hear her soft voice and her worries about whether he was eating properly and taking his medication. Yet another part of him wanted to talk to Sirius, but he repressed that as hard as he could until he had convinced himself that the want had disappeared. He decided, instead, that he would take Padfoot for a walk once he'd reached the hotel. In fact, he would take Padfoot to the nicest park with the biggest sprinklers, where his beloved dog could play. His poor puppy had spent long periods of time alone every day in the room Remus had rented. It agitated him and made him snap at his owner, every time Remus tried to hold and sleep next to him at night. Just yesterday, Padfoot had nipped his nose quite harshly in a chastising gesture.

Yes, they would go to the park and Remus would throw the ring around his neck into the nearest river.

'Remus!'

Remus paused in the lobby of the inn, surprised. 'Frank?' He waited as Frank caught up to him and pulled him into an overtly tight hug. 'What are you doing here?' He patted the man awkwardly on the back when the hug lasted a few seconds too long.

'I had some business here, so I thought I'd drop by and check up on you.' Frank smiled, holding Remus at arm's length. 'You sounded terrible the other day; I was worried you were ill again.'

Remus smiled, feeling a little touched. Frank had called on the day Remus had found out about his parent's deaths and subsequently found nothing of his own survival. He had been feeling a little lost that day and though Frank's concern had helped very little to alleviate it, Remus had still appreciated it. 'You didn't have to. I told you. I'm perfectly fine. You worry too much.'

'Someone has to.' Frank ruffled Remus's hair affectionately. 'Mind letting me in for some tea? It's been a long ride and I sort of need to talk to you.'

Remus nodded, walking Frank to his room. The minute he opened the door, he expected Padfoot to leap at him as a greeting. However, it seemed Padfoot was much more disgruntled than usual and merely glanced at Remus before setting his head back down on his paws. In his huff, Remus noticed, Padfoot had also left a lovely log of poo inside one of Remus's shoes.

'Padfoot,' Remus groaned as he surveyed the damage. 'Must you be vengeful in my shoe?' He clicked his tongue when Padfoot gave an affirmative bark. 'I'm sorry, Frank. Padfoot's being an absolute arse these past few days.' He glared pointedly at his dog only to receive a glare back. 'Why don't you take a seat? How are Alice and Neville doing? You mentioned he had a cold last time we spoke.'

Frank took a seat on the bed, beside Padfoot, smiling when the dog licked him in greeting. 'Neville's great. The cold had him lose a bit of weight, so he doesn't topple over as much anymore.' There was a fondness in Frank's voice as he spoke of his son. Frank was a very devoted father; Remus had seen how much time and love he spent on Neville first hand. 'Alice is…' Here he hesitated. 'Fine, too, I suppose.'

'That's good,' Remus muttered distractedly as he looked for Padfoot's leash in the closet. He reckoned Frank would not be opposed to continuing their conversation while taking a walk outside. Remus really needed to make up to his dog if he wanted a peaceful night's sleep.

'Listen Remus, I didn't actually come here on business. I drove all the way from Cardiff to see you.'

Remus momentarily looked up from his search. 'Oh, Frank, you didn't have to.'

Frank bit his lip. 'You don't understand, I  _had_  to. Remus, I missed you. I  _always_  miss you.'

'I miss you, too, Frankie-boy,' Remus laughed, looking underneath his clothes and wondering if Padfoot had hid it there out of spite. Already he had found another one of his shoes of a different pair chewed to oblivion.

'No, Remus, you don't understand. That one week you stayed over at my place was the happiest I've felt in months!' Frank's voice rose in pitch, cracking towards the end. 'I think even Alice noticed it; we've been rowing every day since you left. I-I'm actually thinking of leaving he-'

The telephone started ringing and Remus hit the back of his head on the closet door in surprise. 'Sorry,' he apologised to Frank, who seemed flustered and upset. Rubbing his sore head, Remus rushed to the telephone. 'It must be Dorea. She's probably checking up on me to see if I've taken my pills today.' He would be lying if he said he didn't look forward to listening to her fussing over him. His face broke into a wide smile as he picked up the receiver and held it to his ear. 'Hello.'

There was heavy breathing on the phone, then: 'Remus?'

Remus felt his heart stop as he recognised the voice. 'Sirius?' He felt his hand unconsciously go to the ring around his neck again. 'Sirius, is that you?'

A broken sob broke through the crackling static on the phone. 'Remus, I love you.'

* * *

**3.7: Colliding You & Me**

'I'm going home.'

James wound an arm around Sirius's shoulders, holding him back. 'Mate, you've barely touched your drink! Come on!' The stink of alcohol every time James leaned close made Sirius's nose wrinkle with disgust. 'This is your celebratory party! You are officially number  _one!_ If anything, you should be up there dancing drunkenly instead of Logan!'

Sirius looked towards the stage, were Logan had joined one of the strippers in the most uncoordinated pole dance he had ever seen. When one of the girls noticed him looking, she hooked her fingers in a beckoning gesture, clearly mistaking Sirius's expression of reluctance for want. He looked away and pushed James's hand off. 'I'm not in the mood to celebrate,' he muttered, feeling a little angry at himself for even agreeing to come. This was his first win without Remus; both on and off the track. Every time Sirius had accomplished something, he and Remus would take their celebrations into Remus's flat after pretending to James that they were too drunk to go on anymore. Remus would then proceed to give Sirius his true winnings. Sirius wondered what Remus would say now if he called and told him about today's race. Would Remus congratulate him or would he find it trivial and ask Sirius not to call him again? 'I'm knackered, James. I'm going home.'

For a second, James's eyes cleared and he looked as if he wanted to say something. But the moment quickly passed and he nodded understandingly, patting Sirius on the back. 'All right! But you're missing out on all the fun!' He erupted into a loud cheer, along with the crowd as the last bit of clothing came flying off. Sirius didn't bother with goodbyes; no one was paying attention anyway and he was in a hurry to get out as quickly as possible.

'Bloody hell!' Sirius cursed as he nearly tripped over an empty wine bottle in the empty parking lot, on his way to the car. 'Drunk bastards,' he muttered, kicking the bottle away before getting in to the back seat. He wished he had his bike; Sirius always sought solace in it whenever he was troubled. Riding his bike came naturally to him, and the sound of the wind blowing against him often drowned out the whole world, giving him space to think. Instead, he was stuck riding in this ridiculously large limousine and looking like a complete twat at the same time. 'Home, please.' Sirius didn't care to remember the driver's name since he planned to get rid of the monstrosity he was sitting in very, very soon. 'I said, home, please,' he repeated, frowning when the driver nodded instead of his usual courteous,  _'yes, sir.'_ It didn't matter; Sirius was not much in the mood for talking any way.

He leaned back in his seat, resting the side of his head against the window and counting down the street lights as the car started to move.  _Three. Four._ The lights were sparse here in this side of the city; James had found them a place so discrete that nothing but darkness lingered here.  _Fifteen. Sixteen._ Sirius touched the key hanging around his neck gingerly. Despite his promises to James, Sirius had still not moved out from Remus's flat. If anything, he had only integrated himself further, and shifted everything from his flat, save furniture. He ought to feel ashamed for acting like this, but it was hard to when Remus's flat offered him the only shred of happiness he could find these days.  _Twenty four, twenty five._

'Oi, slow down, the light's going to turn,' Sirius barked, alarmed when he noticed the oncoming traffic light turning yellow. 'Oi! I told you to slow down!' He rapped the glass window between him and the driver's seat with his knuckles, when the car continued to accelerate. 'Oi, are you listening to me! Slow the fuck down!' He knocked again, but with little response. 'Oi!' Sirius was allowed only five seconds of panic, where his heart beat clear out of his chest and adrenaline pounded in his ears. Five seconds, before he noticed the oncoming car coming from their left and honking at them loudly as it tried and failed to skid out of the way. Three seconds in, Sirius only had enough thought left over to quickly slide on to the right side of the seat and curl up to tuck his head to his chest. Two seconds, and the inside of the car filled with blinding white light and the sound of his own terrified screams deafened him. One second and Sirius could feel nothing but hot, searing pain coming from nowhere and everywhere on his body.

Such unbearable pain that involuntary screams ripped out of his throat and tears leaked out of his eyes, as he squeezed them shut. He tried to move, but found himself unable to. Something heavy was holding him down waist onwards. He could not even turn, remaining pinned flat on his stomach. Something wet trickled down the back of his neck and below his ear, and he tried not to see how the fabric seat beneath his hands slowly stained red. He was going to die here, he realised as the searing pain in his legs tipped over to the point of numbness. He was going to die here, alone and trapped, and in so much pain that he found it hard to breathe.

It scared him.

Sirius didn't want to die. Not like this. Not yet. Fear gripped his heart and his breaths became shorter, coming in quick bursts and supplying very little needed oxygen to his lungs. 'Remus!' Sirius cried out, his fists clenching. 'Remus!' Desperately, he reached for the phone of the side of the door. His fingers slid, slick with blood, twice over the surface, before he was finally able to grip the phone in his hands. He stretched his body farther to reach the dial pad, feeling his muscles strain and scream in pain. Finally, he was able to dial the number he had, by now, memorised from having stared at it every day in contemplation.

'Hello.'

Sirius breathed heavily, pain shooting up his torso. 'Remus?'

'Sirius?' God, it was so good to hear Remus's voice. Sirius hadn't known how much he had missed Remus's voice until right then. A sob snuck out of him, borne from regret and despair. 'Sirius, is that you?'

'Remus, I love you.' Sirius felt hot tears run down his cheeks and exhausted, he finally let his head rest of the seat. 'I love you. I love you. I love you.' He should have said it earlier. He should have never let Remus go. 'I've always loved you. Always. But I was scared of what that meant and I was so stupid. I was so, so stupid. I'm so sorry for-' He choked as pain ripped through his whole body and he grit his teeth hard to keep from crying out.

Remus's let out a shaky breath at the other end of the line. 'Sirius, are you all right? You…' A deep swallow. 'You sound like you're hurt.'

Sirius laughed bitterly. He could never hide from Remus, even when they were younger. Remus always knew; he always knew when Sirius was hurt and he always protected and took care of Sirius. 'I want to see you, Remus.' He sniffed and rubbed his eyes with the heel of is palms, unsurprised when it came away with blood. 'I don't want to go like this. I want to see you one last time. I want to see you so fucking much, Remus.'

'Sirius, please tell me what's happened?' There was worry creeping up in Remus's voice now and Sirius felt a guilty sort of glad that Remus still cared for him. 'Sirius, where are you? What's wrong?'

'I had an accident. I-' Sirius tried to lift his head to peek out the window, but it felt too heavy to even move. Simply opening his eyes sent him through a dizzy spell and he quickly closed them again. Instead he concentrated on Remus's voice; on the one thing that mattered to him at this very moment. 'I don't know where I am. I can't move; I'm trapped inside. My head feels… _strange_.'

He could hear the panic in Remus's voice now. 'Sirius, please, please, concentrate. Think for me. Are there any landmarks around? Where were you before this? Tell me something, so I can call for help!'

Sirius tried to think, but his mind failed him. He couldn't remember what street they were on or anything that he'd passed on the way here. His brain felt too tired and defeated to work. The only thing he remembered was, 'Twenty fifth lamppost from Bloody Mary's.' He had been counting, he remembered. He had been counting while thinking of going back home to Remus. 'Remus, I wasn't-' Sirius took a shuddering breath, struggling to speak but feeling that it was important that he explain to Remus that he hadn't done anything there; that Sirius only ever had eyes for Remus. 'Remus, James dragged me, I swear. I-'

'Sirius, that's not important. Let me call for some help, okay. You stay strong.'

'NO!' The force of his own scream jarred his senses, but desperation kept him talking. 'Don't leave me! Please, don't leave me! Don't hang up the phone!' He gripped the receiver tightly in both hands, pressing it to his ear till it hurt. 'Don't leave me alone, Remus. I'm so scared. It's dark and it hurts. It hurts so much. I need you.'

For a second, Sirius thought Remus had not heard him as the other man's voice got farther and farther away. He was speaking to someone else other than Sirius on the other side of the line, and Padfoot's barks muffled their voices beyond recognition. Then, Remus was back again, breathing heavily. 'I'm here, Sirius. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. Just, hold on for me. Please.  _Please.'_

'Do you still love me, Remus?'

Remus was crying now, heaving sobs over the phone. God, Sirius hated it when Remus cried. 'I love you.'

And just like that, Sirius felt at peace. 'Me too. I love you, too.' He let his body relax, slumping into the seat.

'Sirius! Sirius! Keep talking to me, please. Help is on the way! And-and I'm coming too. You wanted to see me, didn't you? If you want to see me, you have stay awake. Stay with me, Sirius. Just keep talking, please! Sirius!'

 _Don't cry_ , Sirius wanted to say, but found that he could no longer move his lips. Everything felt distant and though Sirius tried to concentrate on Remus's voice, he found it difficult. At least it didn't hurt anymore and here in this perpetual darkness, he also no longer felt scared. As long as Remus was there, he knew he would be safe.

'SIRIUS!'

* * *

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

 

**Part 3: How We Pieced Together**

**3.8: Light at the End of the Tunnel**

A lot of people came in and out.

Sirius had enough conscious to know that he was in a hospital. The few times he had dared to open his eyes, he saw white walls and a white ceiling. The white was so stark that it looked like light was emanating from its very core, and it stung Sirius's eyes so harshly that it made his head pound. But it was the pain that let him know that this was real; that he was still alive.

There were a few people he recognised by voice alone; some lingered longer than others. Of all of them, Remus's was the most familiar. He would sit close by him for hours, talking and encouraging him. He never left; just as he had promised Sirius. Most of the time, the words were too distant and vague for him to understand, but he could hear the tears within them. He tried hard to tell him he was all right, but for some reason, nothing but unintelligible sounds would form through his lips. So he squeezed Remus's fingers as tightly as he could, whenever the other man slipped his hand into Sirius's. Remus always stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. That felt nice.

He heard James, Dorea, and Charlus, too, and sometimes Lily. They always sounded worried and Sirius tried hard to reassure them, but his body failed him every single time. Even when the pain had subsided to something bearable, he felt trapped. It was as if a large weight was pushing down on him, keeping him from moving.

It was only on the third day, when he felt the bed dip on his right and heavy breathing break through the buzzing hospital silence that Sirius finally gathered the perseverance and strength to open his eyes. He could not open them beyond slits and even then, the pounding headache it brought on was near unbearable. The first thing he saw was a blur of familiar ashy brown hair, tousled and unkempt. Remus had fallen asleep, his head on Sirius's chest while the rest of his still sat in a chair. Sirius closed his eyes until the pain ebbed away and opened them again, focusing on Remus's face. It could not have been over four months since they had last seen each other, but he felt as if years had passed. Remus looked exactly as Sirius had last left him, only thinner and paler. His jaw was unshaven and rough, so unlike the boyish faced Remus he knew. He closed his eyes again, inhaling Remus's familiar scent and concentrating on the sounds of the man's breaths. He tried to match his own breathing to Remus's, but it was difficult to mimic the slower inhales characteristic of sleep. He tried to move, his fingers jerking in an effort to touch. Almost as if reading his thoughts, Remus's arm rose to wind around Sirius's waist, his fingers loosely clutching the sides of Sirius's hospital gown. It felt warm and safe, and Sirius felt himself drifting away to yet another deep sleep.

The next time he woke up, he felt much stronger. He had lost track of how much time had passed, but it did not feel more than a day or two. He opened his eyes fully, expecting to see Remus sitting beside him, but the chair nearest to him remained disappointingly empty.

'Sirius?'

He had been so focused on searching for Remus that his gaze had entirely skipped the presence of Charlus and Dorea Potter sitting on either side of his bed.

'Oh, honey, you're awake!' Dorea exclaimed, her eyes tearing. Her hands reached to touch his shoulder, her thumb rubbing gentle circles. She looked like she wanted to hug him but was restraining herself. 'How are you feeling, sweetheart?' She asked, pressing a warm palm to his cheek. Sirius noticed that she was mindful of the IV tube and had manoeuvred around it to be closer to him. 'Does it hurt anywhere? The doctors have upped your dosage so that you'll be in as little pain as possible.' She brushed his wayward hair out of his face. It was comforting, but felt nothing in comparison to Remus's calloused fingers.

Sirius licked his cracked lips, his tongue feeling rough and dry. 'Remus,' he croaked, his words barely legible. He looked at Dorea with pleading eyes and willed her to understand, as he moved his lips to form Remus's name but no sound came from his parched throat.

'He's asking for Remus.' It was Charlus who understood and pointed it out to Dorea. 'He's gone to get some tea, Sirius. Poor lad hasn't left the hospital for over a week. James told me he hasn't even gone home since he arrived from Conwy. He and Padfoot have been staying nights, living out of his suitcase.' A week; had Sirius been unconscious for that long? 'James and Lily will be over soon, as well. They're having trouble finding a sitter for Harry today.'

'I do worry about Remus, Charlus,' Dorea expressed her concern aloud. 'He's going to endanger his health like this, but that boy is so stubborn! Can't you talk to him again?'

Charlus sighed and was about to reply, when the very person in question appeared at the door, a large black dog by his side. 'Remus, my boy, Sirius has just-oh, thank you.' Charlus was surprised at the speed Remus came in, handing both Potters their tea before standing near the bed, to the right of Sirius's head. He stared at Sirius; his amber eyes searching. Like Sirius, he didn't seem to be paying attention to a word Charlus said. 'He just woke up and was asking about you. We should call the nurse; he's having some difficulty speaking.'

Remus always knew what Sirius wanted, sometimes even before Sirius himself knew. Deftly, he poured a glass of water from the side table and lifted it to Sirius's lips. He supported Sirius's head in the crook of his elbow as Sirius drank greedily, feeling rivulets of cool water dripping down his chin. 'Thank you,' he whispered, his voice raspy from disuse. Remus pressed his lips together and nodded, gently letting Sirius's head fall back onto the pillow. If Sirius were asked what he had expected when he would finally see Remus, he would answer that he wanted a teary reunion. He wanted Remus to fall into his arms and for them to exchange apologies; and just like that everything in the world would be right again. But despite the obvious worry in Remus's eyes, he stepped back and stood in the corner of the room.

Only Padfoot remained, pushing his cold nose into Sirius's hand and trying to lick away the pain with broad sweeps of his tongue. He whined until he was petted in reassurance.

Sirius blinked away his disappointment, tearing his gaze away from Remus to survey the hospital room. He was in a private cabin; his bed solitary in a too big room. There were flowers arranged neatly on one side of the room; well wishes from people Sirius knew perhaps. A silvery blue balloon was attached to one of the larger bouquet arrangements and Sirius found himself smiling when he noticed it had Harry's name printed on it. The windows were as wide as one of the walls and Sirius was thankful for whoever had thought to close the blinds (Remus, he was sure) because even staring at the slivers of sunlight that streamed through made his head pound again. His own state was less than favourable. He could already see the tubes going into his arm and the bandages that wound around his torso. His hair had been cut short choppily and when Sirius put his hand to the back of his neck, he found freshly stitched wounds. However, what horrified him the most, though not unexpected, was his legs. They were swathed in thick plaster cast, heavy and very much solid.

'My legs?' he asked quietly, his heart hammering from dread of the answer to come.

'Shattered,' Charlus replied, his words sounding harsh to Sirius's ears. 'But not beyond repair. The doctors said they need to wait until you recover a bit more for surgery. A few months of recovery and at least a year of physiotherapy will help you recover your stride again, don't worry.' He smiled kindly though Sirius did not feel very reassured.

'Okay,' Sirius mumbled, though he could think of nothing but his legs. He had known, in the site of the accident itself that his legs had been damaged. He had felt something crunch and collapse on him that very moment, but the pain had kept him from thinking of the consequences. Now, looking at his useless legs, he felt nothing but despair. 'Will I be able to ride again?'

'You were lucky to survive, Sirius. If Remus had not called an ambulance in time…' Charlus left the sentence unfinished, his expression sombre. 'Whether or not you'll be able to ride is unimportant now. You need to focus on recovering and getting better instead.'

'You'll ride,' Remus promised, suddenly breaking his silence. Padfoot barked in agreement, tail wagging. 'Once you get better, we'll train you again. You learned once, you can learn again.' His face was determined and Sirius sought courage from it. Remus always understood. He understood that riding was Sirius's life, his passion. To deprive him of it was to sentence him to a fate worse than death. Selfishly, the only thing Sirius valued over his sport was Remus.

Sirius nodded, feeling his eyes well up. Needing comfort, he raised his arms, beckoning Remus for a hug and gazing pleadingly at the other man. However, Dorea misunderstood him and reached for him instead, pulling him into a motherly embrace and murmuring reassurances. Remus hung back, his fists clenched by his sides. 'I thought I would never see you again,' Sirius said, not breaking eye contact with Remus, even as Dorea held him tight. He felt the unshed tears threaten to fall and he wiped his eyes quickly. 'I was scared,' he admitted and saw Remus waver, as if just holding himself back from Sirius. Sirius wanted Remus to come; to hold him and kiss him. Remus didn't. 'I was scared that I'd never see you again.'

* * *

**3.9: Conviction in Truth**

Remus always stood in the corner.

After Sirius had woken up, they were never alone. Visitors came in and out frequently. Most of the time, it was the Potters or the doctors, checking up on his progress. Sirius was always happy to see them, but by the second week, he was starting to feel frustrated. There was always at least a foot worth of distance between him and Remus, though their interactions were never cordial. Their relationship had sprung back to what it was at least on the surface, and they enjoyed playful banter with James, arguments over Moto techniques, and gambling over what takeaway to order in. Anything except the subject of their relationship. And despite it all, Remus never touched him. Not when Sirius was awake. But when night would come and Sirius's eyelids would grow heavy, he would feel the chair beside his bed occupy and eventually, a heavy head on his chest and an arm around his waist. By then, Sirius would no longer have the strength to open his eyes and check to see if it was all a dream.

So despite his fatigue, he waited until the Potters had all left for home. He waited as Remus let out a deep breath and cuddled Padfoot goodnight, apologising for not taking him home again tonight. Padfoot whined in reassurance; he was a very perceptive dog and he always knew what Remus needed. He curled up in the chair Remus was sitting in, squeezing himself between the backrest and Remus's body. His large frame pushed Remus until he was sitting at the very edge of the chair, Psdfoot using his as a personal cushion and comfortably leaning against him. Despite Remus's discomfort, Sirius knew Padfoot would not have it any other way; if Remus ever decided to move to another chair, the dog would simply follow him and do the exact same thing. He was far too dependent and clingy to his master, and Remus's indulging nature only worsened Padfoot's spoilt nature.

Sirius waited until Remus slipped into the chair beside his bed, gently brushing away Sirius's dark hair from his face and sighing. Only when Sirius felt Remus bestow a soft kiss to his forehead, that he finally opened his eyes. Remus, shocked, immediately tried to pull away but Sirius held him in place by the wrists.

'Don't leave,' he whispered. Their faces were so close that every breath from Sirius's nose made Remus's fringe flutter. 'Don't leave me.' Sirius's hands slowly slid to Remus's elbows, pulling them over his waist, and making the other man bend an awkward angle in his chair. 'I want this as much as you, so why are you trying to hide it?' He looked deep into amber eyes, searching. 'Why won't you come near me?'

Guilt seeped into Remus's features and his gaze shifted down. 'Because I'm going to end up loving you too much again.'

'I already told you I-'

'What you said in the heat of the moment is different from what you may feel now, when you have your wits about you.'

'You don't understand, Remus, I-' Sirius took a deep breath and cupped Remus's face in his hands. 'When I was in there, all I could think about was you. I didn't care about my career, or my money, or what other people thought of me. All I could think of was how badly I wanted to see you, and how much of a coward I'd been this whole time. I don't want to make the same mistakes twice. I want to try us again. I want to do it right this time.'

Remus bit his lip and Sirius could almost see the uncertainty swirling in his eyes. 'No,' he whispered so softly, Sirius was sure he had misheard. 'I can't do this, Sirius; not again.' And to Sirius's horror, he started to pull away until he was sitting well out of his reach. 'I-' He swallowed and reached behind his neck, pulling the silver chain that held Sirius's ring to him, over his head. 'I can't go back to what we were.' He gripped the ring at the end of the chain hard within the ball of his fist and then dropped it into Sirius' lap. 'I'm sorry.'

'Why?' Sirius asked, staring at the ring and feeling, for the first time, that it would have been better if he had died. 'Remus,  _I love you._ '

Remus's face scrunched up in pain and for a second, Sirius was sure he was going to cry. 'I've waited a long time to hear you say that.' He laughed sadly. 'But as selfish as this may sound, it isn't enough for me anymore. I don't want to spend another two years waiting for the days you'll call to come over. I don't want to keep pretending in front of everyone that we are  _nothing_  when you mean everything to me. Most of all, I don't want to go to bed alone every night, wondering if I  _am_  ever going to have a place in your life or if I am forever going to be in the way of the things you  _really_ want.'

'Remus…'

Remus twisted his hands together. 'And I know I should be used to being alone; you'd said it yourself, didn't you? But Sirius, it never hurts any less for us mongrels.' He looked up, his eyes glassy. 'I need to belong  _somewhere._ '

Sirius stared at him for a long time, realising more and more how far this had gotten. Perhaps even farther than Sirius himself. 'Remus,' he started softly, reaching out for the man's hand. 'Is this why you went to Conwy?' When Remus didn't answer, he tried to lean forward to move closer and cried out in pain when it twisted his legs and shifted his hips out of place.

Immediately, Remus was by his side, righting his limbs until Sirius's face had relaxed. Padfoot perked up his ears just to check if everything was all right before going to sleep again. 'You're going to hurt yourself like this,' the other man chastised, wiping the sweat that had beaded across Sirius's forehead with the edge of his sleeve.

Sirius held on to that very hand. 'Remus,  _tell me_ , is this why you went to Conwy?'

Remus's nod was barely visible. 'It didn't do me any good; I am exactly as I was when I left. I don't belong anywhere.' He carefully sat down on the edge of the bed, allowing Sirius to stroke the palm of his hand with his thumb reassuringly. 'My grandparents only see me as their long lost son. The Potters see me as a responsibility for their past mistakes. And you…'He shrugged, looking down at his lap. 'To you, I am a burden…'

Had Remus always felt this way? It was stupid but Sirius had always seen Remus as someone who was strong and so very sure of himself that he had never stopped to think that maybe Remus was hurting just like everybody else. Perhaps more. 'There hasn't been a single day when Dorea hasn't cried out of worry for you,' Sirius started, brushing his fingers over Remus's cheek. 'Charlus doesn't let anyone touch your tools or occupy your work space; he protects it because he's sure you'll come back. James and Lily always tell Harry about that brilliant uncle he has, who makes bikes, and is kind and understanding, and likes chocolate a little too much, and is so bloody handsome it could make your heart stop. The last bit might just be me adding in,' He chuckled, delighted when it brought a smile to Remus's face.

'And I-' He stopped, wondering if there was anything he could say that would right his wrongs and make Remus feel better. But Sirius's remembered James words about sometimes having to let the person you love know how much you loved them, no matter how obvious it seemed. 'I am  _nothing_  without you. Even if you feel you don't belong anywhere else, you will always belong here: with me.' He slid the ring in his lap out of its chain, before taking Remus's left hand in his and slipping it through his ring finger.  _Forever,_ he promised silently. 'I'm going to kiss you now,' Sirius informed him, not waiting for an answer and leaning in to press their mouths together.

It was a soft kiss, just a press of lips, but it tasted like longing and love and  _Remus._ It felt right, like this: with Remus's hands cupping his cheeks so tenderly and Sirius's arms wound around Remus's waist. When Sirius felt a tentative tongue brushing his lower lip, he pulled Remus even closer and opened his mouth. His body tingled pleasantly, making him feel truly alive for the first time in months. He laughed into the kiss, euphoria bubbling inside his chest.

The moment was broken, however, when they heard a gentle knock on the door and a subsequent turn of the door handle. 'Remus, honey, I just forgot to leave some food for you and Padfoot.'

Hearing Dorea's voice, Remus scrambled to move away but Sirius held him by the waist. 'Sirius, let go! She'll see!'

'Then let her,' Sirius replied, using all of his strength to pull Remus to him and press their lips forcefully together. He held Remus by the chin, his heart beating fast from anticipation and nervousness as he saw the door push open from the corner of his eyes. He steeled himself for the inevitable shock that was going to come, mustering up all his courage to face it.

'Remus, are you asleep. I-oh! Oh, my!' Dorea stared at them, flustered. 'I-I-' She seemed at a loss for words and was blinking furiously to make up for it. 'Perhaps I should come back later. I'm sorry.'

'Dorea, I'd like you to stay,' Sirius said quietly, as Remus pulled away from him. The man beside him was breathing hard, his wide eyes staring disbelievingly at Sirius. Sirius was grateful, however, that Remus stayed beside him and did not try to run away. Remus was always the braver of the two of them. 'I'd like for us to talk.' He smiled hopefully, his eyes pleading with her. 'I understand that this has come as a bit of a shock to you, but I'd rather I explain it to you myself than have you draw up any mistaken conclusions.' Sirius was glad when she nodded hesitantly and sat down in her usual chair beside his bed. She could not stop staring as Remus helped Sirius sit up properly and adjusted his heavy legs in a comfortable position. 'I'm in love with Remus,' Sirius told her directly, his grey eyes challenging as he faced her. Under the covers, he felt Remus take his hand.

'I-' Dorea stuttered, still looking back and forth between the two of them. 'I'm not sure what to say.'

Remus opened his mouth to explain, but Sirius squeezed the man's fingers tightly as permission to let him do the speaking instead. Sirius needed to do this himself to prove to Remus that he had changed. He sought courage in the ring that now sat on Remus's left hand, circling the smooth surface with his thumb. 'I understand if you need some time to take this in,' Sirius smiled shakily, hoping he looked braver than he felt. He could hear his blood pumping in his veins from fear of rejection. 'But both of us have always considered you family and we would appreciate if this wouldn't change anything between us.'

Dorea frowned, pressing her lips together. She did not look disapproving, but she did not look pleased either. 'Sweetheart, are you sure?'

He heard Remus's breathing hitch beside him and he shuffled closer to the other man in reassurance, so that their sides were touching. 'Surer than I have ever been about anything in my life,' Sirius replied with conviction. He saw Remus break into a smile. 'It took me a long time for me to come into terms with myself, Dorea,' Sirius continued, 'so whatever your decision is today, I am not going back.'

Silence followed Sirius's declaration, as both men waited with bated breath for Dorea to make her decision. Sirius had expected her to accept them immediately, telling them it was no matter and drawing them into indulgent hugs and kisses as she always did. It was the foolish, childish part of him that craved her love. But he stood his ground, holding Remus's hand tight within his, even as her eyes grew more and more wary.

Finally she nodded unsmilingly. 'I still don't know what to say to you boys, but I know that I cannot ask you to change, especially if you really do feel the way you claim.' She inhaled, bracing her hands on her knees and standing up. 'I'll talk to Charlus for you; I know this is important.' She turned to leave, but stopped when Remus called for her.

'Dorea.' He looked heart broken, as if her reaction had hurt him more than rejection. Sirius shook his head, silently asking Remus to give Dorea time, but he went ignored. 'Dorea,' Remus called again, though no further words came out of him. Sirius heard him swallow heavily, his Adam's apple pushing downwards.

Dorea shook her head hopelesly, a weak smile gracing her features. She walked back towards them, bending down to place a motherly kiss on the crowns of each of their heads. 'Goodnight, boys. Take care of yourselves.'

* * *

**3.10: To Care So Little**

' _After night of debauchery to celebrate his win on the track, Black met with a fate of cruel irony_ ,' James laughed, holding the newspaper away as Sirius struggled to reach for it. Remus was completely unhelpful to Sirius's plight, as he giggled along and leaned over James's shoulder to read further. ' _Too addled to remember that his driver had been a part of his victory celebrations and was similarly drunk, Black asked the intoxicated man to drive him home. Black, a man whose life is dedicated to wheel and mortar had been betrayed by his very passion._  Blimey, it's like reading a soap opera!' James and Remus clutched each other for support as they broke into raucous laughter. 'This is good publicity though, I should admit. I don't think anyone from the Moto has ever even made it beyond the sports column of any publication, forget front page! That Skeeter woman must be having a field day with you!'

Sirius huffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest. If he had the use of his legs, he would have stood up and strangled James. 'It's a miracle she hasn't already written me off. Details really aren't much of a matter to her, are they? I was the  _only_ one in that debauchery you organised who was sober and uninterested. I definitely would not have asked my driver to drink with me; I don't even know the bloke's name.' He said most of this to clarify the details for Remus. He did not want Remus to think Sirius had betrayed him in any way, even if they hadn't been together at that time. 'Also, I certainly don't have a passion for cars. They're chunky, slow, and as versatile as a fat cow.' Sirius huffed, as Remus ruffled his hair as if trying to calm a child.

'Blimey, this goes on for two pages!' James flipped back and forth between said pages, his eyes crinkling with humour as he silently read on. 'I am having this framed,' he concluded, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. 'She really has made you out to be some crackpot hero. Listen to this:  _Black is contemplating continuing to compete on the tracks, despite having broken both his legs. He believes he can master his bike, regardless of his condition, and will ride this coming month. Rumours of a one year sabbatical are thus being shot down._ '

Sirius snorted. 'How the fuck does she think, I'm even going to sit on a bike, let alone get it revved, with these trunks?' He pointed to the thick plaster casts around his legs in disdain. He didn't mean to come off as bitter, but knew by the way Remus's mouth turned downwards that he had. He felt Remus's hand rested on the back of his neck, fingers rubbing soothingly into the nape. It felt weird to be so intimate in front of James after years of hiding, but Sirius was not going to brush away the little comfort he could get, however pathetic it made him seem.

'We'll get you there, I promise,' Remus said quietly, his fingers tangling in the back of Sirius's hair. 'But right now, you need to focus on getting better.' He snatched the newspaper out of James's hand, balled it up, and aimed it towards the trash bin. It bounced off the rims, looking as if it was going to topple over but then changing its route and dunking inside the bin. Remus crowed quietly, sharing a grin with both men in the room. 'Waste remains where waste belongs.' He was clearly about to say something witty when a knock broke the light hearted atmosphere.

'Must be mum and dad,' James said, the same time the door opened. 'They said they needed to talk to you about…' He looked between the two of them pointedly. 'You know…'

It wasn't Charlus and Dorea Potter. In fact, it was the last person Sirius expected to see.

There, standing inside his hospital cabin was his father, Orion Black, of the Noble and Ancient House of Black.

He heard both Remus and James gasp beside him, and he knew that he himself must have been slack jawed.

Orion seemed to be the only one unfazed and he calmly sat down on the chair beside Sirius's bed. He did not look a day older than when Sirius had last seen him two years ago. He wore a tailored black suit with a grey tie that matched his eyes, solid gold cuff links on each arm, and shoes of patented leather. His hair was slicked back, the grey only adding an air of wisdom and sophistication to his persona. He sat with his back straight, his shoulders broad, and his face impassive, as he regarded his son quietly. 'How are you, Sirius?'

In front of his father, Sirius felt like a boy again. He felt tongue tied and nervous, struggling to put two coherent words together.

'I heard of your accident. I hope you weren't too badly hurt.' His father's voice sounded mechanical and rehearsed, as if he was keeping up pleasantries out of formality. Even as child, when Sirius was sometimes beaten bloody, Orion would look at his son with the same bored expression as he did now. As if Sirius didn't matter. 'The Potters have reassured me that you are in capable hands.'

Sirius's eyes widened in surprise. Had his father been in touch with the Potters? Why hadn't anyone said so? 'I'm fine,' Sirius replied, swallowing to aid his dry throat. 'You needn't worry.'

Orion nodded curtly. 'If you have need for anything-'

'I don't need your money,' Sirius spat, his anger suddenly flaring. 'Stop thinking that everything is all right just because you send me money once in a while. I'm not some dirty little secret that you can buy silence or acceptance from. You cannot erase me from your life just by closing your eyes as Mothers burns me off the family tapestry!' He breathed heavily, surprised at himself for speaking out. Long buried resentment boiled to the surface, calmed only by Remus's steady hand on his shoulder. 'You may have forgotten but I am your son!'

Orion sighed as if Sirius were just an irritating child throwing a tantrum. 'Yes, I suppose you are,' he replied, standing up and brushing off imaginary dust off his suit. 'Well, now that I know you are alive and well, I must be going. I have a meeting with the ambassador at three.' He checked his watch as he turned away from the three of them, not the least bit bothered about the indignance clearly reflected in Sirius's face.

'Shh,' Remus whispered, rubbing Sirius's shoulder soothingly. 'Don't say anything you will regret.'

Sirius bit his lip so hard, it risked bleeding. He maintained his silence as he watched his father leave, pausing to stare at the newspaper Remus had discarded earlier in the bin. 'That Skeeter woman really should be fired,' Orion commented, his voice laced with amusement. 'I much prefer Carter; he keeps focus on the sport and reports facts rather than fiction.' He looked up and smiled, the corner of his eyes crinkling and Sirius felt his breath catch. For the first time in his life, Sirius felt like he was not being lied to or looked down upon by his father. For once, he felt that he had been graced with a genuine smile rather than one of disappointment and bitterness. 'I've read all his articles and I find that Carter is unbiased, and does not hold a personal vendetta against you. I might put in a good word for him.' Orion left even before Sirius could find the voice to say more.

Sirius did not understand what any of it meant. He did not know why his father had suddenly decided to pay him a visit, after two long years of absence. He did not understand why a man who had never even shown an interest in sport suddenly seemed knowledgeable about it. He did not understand why despite having cut off all ties with his family, he felt a pang of loneliness in his chest.

'Do you want me to go get him back for you?' Remus asked, as if having read Sirius's emotions perfectly. Sirius never did understand how Remus was so perceptive.

He looked up at Remus then James, both of whom were gazing at him with concern. 'No,' he replied, shaking his head before leaning it against the warmth of Remus's chest. He felt Remus's arms wrap around his securely, fingers drawing circles in the gap between his shoulder blades. If James was staring, Sirius closed his eyes to it. 'No,' he repeated, pushing closer into Remus. 'He and I both made our choices two years ago. I don't intend to go back.'

_Only forward._

* * *


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Charlus Potter met Remus Lupin, he was reminded of a past he was trying to forget.  
> The first time Dorea Potter met Remus Lupin, she was reminded of her own limitation.  
> The first time James Potter met Remus Lupin, he was indifferent.  
> The first time Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, he threw a punch to his face.

**Part 3: How We Pieced Together**

**3.11: Understanding Your Heart**

It was the most awkward hour of Dorea’s entire life. ‘I don’t know what to say,’ she confessed to her husband, who was sitting beside her and looking similarly uncomfortable.

They had both come to the hospital to visit Sirius before the final procedure on his legs, but somehow, the easy rapport between them had changed. Dorea knew it wasn’t the boys’ faults; it was hers and Charlus’s. James had insisted again and again that both the elder Potters talk to them about the whole affair that she had walked in on the other day, and Dorea agreed. The problem was that neither she nor Charlus knew exactly what to say. Looking at the two of them, Sirius on the bed and Remus sitting close by but still keeping his distance, she still didn’t understand it. She just didn’t understand  _why. Why_ each other when they were both such strapping young lads who could have any girl they wanted? It wasn’t as if she’d never heard of homosexuality, but until now, she had always assumed it was something more common in the media than in reality.

‘Are you ready for your big procedure, Mr. Black?’ The nurse in charge of Sirius walked in, finally breaking the tension in the atmosphere. ‘Why, hello, Padfoot!’ Padfoot, who had now become something of a ladies’ dog among the hospital staff detached himself from Remus to be petted by the nurse. His tail wagged and his tongue lolled, and the nurses could not help but be amused by his overtly affectionate nature. ‘We’ll be taking you in after fifteen minutes,’ she informed him as she snapped on a pair of gloves and performed all the final checks on Sirius’s vitals. ‘We’ll need you to change into the gown over there.’ She momentarily glanced up at Remus as she laid out the instruction, automatically knowing that he would be taking responsibility for them. Dorea wondered if she knew about them and how she felt about it. ‘I’ll be back shortly, shall I?’

Both Sirius and Remus nodded.

‘Let’s grant them some privacy,’ Charlus whispered when Dorea did not get off her seat.

Dorea looked between Sirius and Remus, and somehow felt reluctant to go. It felt… _odd_. In her head, it didn’t make sense for Remus to take charge of something so fragile and intimate; something that only a mother or a wife would have done under any other circumstance. She felt Charlus pull her by the arm and grudgingly left the room, glancing one last time at the boys and still feeling a certain sense of discomfort. They had barely sat down on the bench outside for a few minutes when Dorea heard the first sounds of crying. Her heart lurched in her throat and she pushed off her seat quickly, only to be stopped by her husband yet again.

‘Dorea, sit down,’ he instructed her sharply.

Dorea could barely hear him; her ears only rang with Sirius’s sobs and it evoked an unbearable feeling within her. It was a feeling only a mother understood; a pain that overtook everything inside of her whenever she felt any of her children were hurt. And blood or not, Sirius was as much a son to her as James. ‘He’s crying,’ she argued with Charlus, trying to pull her hand out of his grasp. ‘He’s probably scared or hurt, Charlus. I need to go in there. He needs me.’

‘He has Remus,’ Charlus disputed.

What could Remus possible do, she wanted to challenge. But she kept her thoughts to herself and tugged out his hold, almost rushing to push past the door. She stopped midway, however, when she realised that she had walked in on yet another intimate moment between the boys. Only this time, they were not kissing, but were wrapped in a tight embrace with their arms wound around each other and foreheads resting together. Remus was sitting on the edge of Sirius’s bed, taking care not to jostle Sirius’s legs; and despite the obvious awkwardness of their positions, neither of them seemed willing to move away. Dorea moved a little back, that feeling of wrongness plaguing her mind again. The more she looked at them, the more she felt that they just didn’t  _fit_ with the things she knew and understood _._

‘There’s nothing to be scared of,’ Remus hushed, cupping Sirius’s cheeks within his palms and brushing away the tears that fell with his thumbs. ‘It’ll be over before you know it.’

‘You must think I’m so stupid,’ Sirius sniffed, ‘I should be grateful that I’m even alive at this point, but I don’t want to lose my legs, Remus. I-’

‘Hey,’ Remus scolded, his voice so gentle that it seemed out of place. Dorea could not remember ever hearing his voice take on that timbre. While Remus was not a loud speaker, the streets had made his speech a little rough around the edges and as a result, his voice was often hoarse and gruff to the ears. ‘That is  _not_ going to happen.’ He brushed Sirius’s hair behind his ears. ‘It’s okay to be scared; there’s nothing stupid about that. Losing your legs is equivalent to losing your life for you, I understand that, but that is  _not_  going to happen. I promised you that you would ride again, didn’t I?’

‘And you?’ Sirius asked, unconvinced. ‘Do you want to be with a cripple?’

Dorea’s heart lurched at the vulnerability of his question and she was transported to that time when she had found them finally making peace with each other over their injuries.

‘Do  _you_ want to be with a cripple?’ Remus asked challengingly, looking pointedly at Padfoot, who was watching them with wide, confused eyes, and then back at Sirius.

‘It’s not the same,’ Sirius shook his head. ‘There are things I won’t be able to give you…needs I won’t be able to fulfil.’ A fresh wave of tears fell past his cheeks, as if just the  _thought_  of not being enough powered his despair even further.

‘The only thing I ever need, Sirius, is  _you,’_ Remus whispered, kissing Sirius softly on the lips.

And suddenly the  _why_  became so ridiculously clear that Dorea felt stupid for even questioning it. She had always felt that much of Remus’s mannerisms took after Charlus, more so than James. But for the very first time, she saw a little bit of herself in him.

Because why would their  _why_  be any different from her own. Hadn’t she felt the exact same sentiment with Charlus, despite his past, even during the times he had wronged her?

‘Don’t leave me again. I can’t live without you.’

Even when he hadn’t loved her, she had loved him. Even on the days she had felt inadequate compared to his past, she had loved him with everything she had.

‘ _Never._ ’

Her friends had questioned her. Her family had questioned her. But she had never questioned herself.

‘I love you.’

Dorea closed the door, giving the boys the privacy they deserved. She turned towards Charlus, who was already standing with his posture tight, as if he had been readying himself to jump in and stop her from doing anything stupid. She smiled, glad that he was here to keep her grounded. ‘Sorry,’ she apologised, almost sheepishly, and he relaxed. ‘You’re right. He has Remus. He’ll be fine.’

She let him wind an arm around her shoulder and steer her back to the bench, where they waited until the nurses arrived and wheeled Sirius out. Dorea was only allowed seconds to kiss Sirius on the forehead and wish him luck, before they took him away. Remus had hung back behind both the Potters, his hands and feet fidgeting; and for the first time since she had found out, Dorea felt sorry for both of them. Sirius had clearly wanted Remus to be at his side and vice versa, but they were keeping their distance, possibly for the Potters and also the staff. The whites of his eyes had been rimmed red.

‘Sweetheart, why don’t you go home and rest for a little bit?’ She suggested, taking Remus’s hand in hers and startling him.

‘Ah, no,’ he replied, a little flustered, as he swiped at his dry eyes roughly as if checking for moisture. ‘I’m not really tired. I’d rather stay.’

She led him to the bench, forcing him to sit down in between Charlus and her. Padfoot sat on the other side, leaning his weight against her like he always did when he wanted to be pet. ‘It’s an eight hour procedure, Remus. Sirius isn’t going to notice if you’re gone for an hour.’ She fussed with his wayward hair, brushing the curls out of his face until they were parted neatly to the side. His face looked almost surprised by her affection; as if he’d been expecting her to push him aside after all these years. ‘You haven’t rested properly since you came back from Conwy. You’re going to make yourself ill like this.’

Remus shook his head, looking back to the end of the hallway where Sirius had been moments ago. ‘I promised.’

Dorea exchanged a glance with Charlus, who shrugged in a way that told her he wanted her to let it go. They fought silently for a while, her eyes communicating her reluctance and Charlus’s asking her to stop pushing and let Remus do what he felt was right. Finally, she sighed, knowing it was a lost cause. ‘All right,’ she acquiesced. ‘But how about you get some sleep? I’ll wake you up when it’s all over, I promise.’ She patted her lap with a smile, urging him to rest his head.

‘Is this-‘ he asked, eyes wide but not unwilling as he let her guide his head to her lap. ‘Is this okay?’ Padfoot, now jealous and fighting for affection, rested his own head beside Remus’s on her other thigh. Their combined weight was far from comfortable but she found that she couldn’t complain.

‘Why? Do you think you’re too much of a man to sleep on your mother’s lap now?’ She chuckled, pinching Remus’s cheek and making him laugh.

‘Do you need to talk about…anything?’ He asked, circling the patterns on her skirt with his forefinger nervously. ‘About Sirius and me?’

Charlus raised an eyebrow. ‘I believe we already gave you the talk when you were fifteen, but Dorea and I will be glad to rehash that lovely memory for you if you’re that keen.’

Remus groaned and shook his head, but Dorea could detect from his smile that he was secretly very pleased. She realised that the best way to accept them was not to question them. They didn’t need to talk about it, only love them with everything they had. She watched as Remus closed his eyes and snuggled into her lap, lulled into a peaceful sleep as she stroked his hair gently.

* * *

**3.12: Moving On**

‘I’m sorry. I-‘ Frank wrung his hands together, still not looking Charlus in the eyes. ‘I didn’t know who else to talk to and Remus told me about your…’ He stopped, searching for the right words and clearly trying not to be intrusive or inappropriate. ‘Your past with his mother. I felt that maybe you would understand and not judge me for the way I’m feeling right now.’ The last part came almost as a question and a plea, and Charlus felt sorry for the young Longbottom who was clearly fighting with himself just to be here. ‘I just…don’t know what else to do or where else to go.’

He looked exactly like Charlus had many, many years ago, after moving to London from Conwy.

So Charlus did what he wished someone had done for him that time: he sat down beside Frank on the sofa and put a comforting arm around his shoulders. He looked him directly in the eye and then asked a question he was sure he already knew the answer to. ‘Is it Remus?’

Frank looked at him startled, and then afraid. ‘No!’ His laughter was as fake as the smile he’d been wearing when he’d come in. ‘No, of course not. Why would you-‘

‘Frank,’ Charlus interrupted sternly. ‘You don’t have to protect him. I  _know.’_ When Frank still look worried, he tried to reassure him. ‘He and Sirius came out to us last week. Its fine, I promise. No one is getting in trouble for anything and I am not here to pass judgment. You can trust me.’

Frank nodded, his breath easing. ‘That’s good. I’m glad,’ he whispered, looking away and back at his own knees. ‘Remus was miserable for a long time and Sirius was-‘ He shook his head and Charlus was left in the dark about exactly what Sirius was. ‘Thank you for accepting him. Remus thinks the world of you and Mrs. Potter, and I know he’d be devastated if you hadn’t.’ His smile this time was genuine and infectious, but fell quickly as he took a deep breath. ‘It’s Remus,’ he admitted and all the times Charlus had wondered how the two boys had become such close friends finally felt explained. Charlus felt that Frank’s bravery was commendable. He himself had not been able to admit his feelings for Hope until many years later, when it was far too late. ‘I’m in love with Remus and I don’t know what to do.’

‘What do you  _want_ to do?’

Frank laughed bitterly. ‘I want to go back in time and change  _everything_. To just stop and give myself enough time to figure out everything I was feeling at that time, instead of rushing into things.’ He rested his head in his hands, elbows on knees. ‘God, I feel so stupid. I never once questioned why it took me so long to ask Alice to marry me, why my own bloody wedding felt like a condemnation, why the only time I felt happy was when Remus was with me. I justified my actions with excuses about family expectations, about social judgement, about the  _wrongness_ of the whole affair. And all it achieved is me drowning in this endless pool of misery that is only broken by Remus’s presence.’ His hair fell in front of his face, shielding his eyes. ‘I must sound so pathetic to you.’

Charlus was all too familiar with that very feeling. ‘You don’t,’ he reassured, more so because he wanted to think that he hadn’t been pathetic also when he had been in the exact same situation all those years ago. ‘But Frank, before I say anything to you, I need to know: are you…’ Charlus searched for the right word; words that rose out of the derogatory terms he heard all too often and breached the subject respectfully. ‘…gay?’

Frank shook his head. ‘I’m… _me_. I don’t know what category that fits in for you. I loved Alice. I  _still_  love her, but she’s not Remus. She’s not…’ He clenched his fists tightly and said no more.

He didn’t have to. Charlus understood. ‘Do you plan to talk to Remus about this?’

Frank shook his head again, his eyes sad. ‘I want him to be happy and right now, with Sirius, he is. I love him, but I can’t take that away from him. Maybe that’s why I’m here, asking you what I  _should_ do.’

Charlus wondered if he would have shown such maturity at Frank’s age. When he thought about it, he realised he hadn’t. He had dated Hope despite being aware of Lyall’s feelings and a part of him knew that he would have not hesitated to try again, had it not been for circumstances.

‘Frank, what I am going to tell you is perhaps not the best of advice, but I believe it’s the right advice.’ Charlus sighed and looked Frank in the eye. ‘This feeling you have will never leave you, but eventually it will fade. As humans, we are programmed to regret our actions; dwell on the “what ifs” of our lives.’ He placed his hand upon the other man’s. ‘But what you need to do is not allow it to consume your life. Think about the wife you have back home; does she not love you?’

Frank nodded miserably, as he confessed, ‘More than she should.’

‘Then accept it.’ Charlus smiled kindly. ‘The problem in your relationship is not her; it’s  _you_. You are comparing her to something she cannot be and asking her of things she can’t possibly give you. You need to learn to accept her for who she is and allow her to love you in her own way.’ Charlus thought of Dorea and all the ways she had accepted him, despite his flaws. Yes, he had married her because of an arrangement made by his father, but he had stayed because she had somehow managed to make him happier than he had ever felt his entire life. ‘There are things Alice  _can_ and  _is_ giving you: patience and understanding of your situation; unconditional love; and most of all, a child that I know you love with fibre of your being. Think of those things, Frank, and you will find yourself falling in love with her because you will realise that no one in this world can do as much for you as she already has.’

Frank looked at him with glassy eyes, and Charlus knew that while he still didn’t comprehend the advice fully, the realisation would eventually strike him in his own time. It was not something that came quickly. However, Charlus took it as a good sign that Frank was not denying the guidance given to him and at the very least  _trying_ to accept it. He was struck again by awe of the maturity Frank was showing; it was a measure of the man he had truly become.

‘But the very first part of loving her is realising that you need to let Remus go.’

The glassiness in Frank’s eyes shattered and before Charlus could prepare himself, the boy was sobbing into his hands with his whole body curving into itself in a small ball. It was difficult to watch and even more painful to hear, as Frank’s cries echoed in the otherwise quiet study. Charlus didn’t know how to comfort him; didn’t know whether Frank wanted to be hugged or left alone as he let his grief out. So Charlus could do nothing but watch helplessly as gut wrenching sobs wracked through Frank’s body and he shivered and shook in a way that spoke of more than just a heart being broken.

‘It’ll be okay, I promise,’ Charlus managed to say, a hesitant hand on Frank’s shoulder. ‘It’ll be okay.’ He didn’t even know if Frank could hear him past his own crying, but it was the only thing he felt he could say without sounding patronising and insincere. It seemed like Charlus really had been Frank’s last resort and Dorea’s complaints about his lack of tact rang clearer than ever. He wondered how he could have approached this differently and been less cruel.

‘Sorry,’ Frank sniffled after a long and awkward moment. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t want to lose him. I’m sorry,’ he hiccupped, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, only to have more tears leak out unbidden. ‘I’m really sorry.’ He apologised again, his voice breaking. ‘This…it stops hurting, right?’ He looked so small as he met Charlus’s eyes; small and hopeful. ‘Eventually, it stops hurting, doesn’t it?’

‘Yes, it does,’ Charlus lied.

* * *

**3.13: Madness in Fury**

‘Remus?’

Remus turned around, papers cups filled with tea for the Potters in each hand. ‘Fabian?’ Before he could process the figure standing in front of him, he was being hugged so tightly that he nearly overbalanced. The tea in his hands sloshed and spilled to the floor, where Padfoot took the opportunity to lap at it happily.

‘I knew you would come!’ Fabian mumbled into his neck. ‘I knew you would come for me. Gideon said you’d left. He always lies to me to be mean; he used to do it all the time when we were little.’ He looked up at a still startled Remus with teary eyes, his fingers clutching Remus’s shirt like a lifeline. ‘They won’t let me out to find you. Everyone keeps putting me into one box after another, and they won’t let me out. You’ve come to take me home, haven’t you?’

Remus stared a Fabian, speechless. A part of him wanted to ask what had happened these past few months, because the person in front of him was definitely not the Fabian Prewett he knew. This person was gaunt, with hollowed cheekbones, sunken eyes, and a shrunken waistline. The clothes he wore hung baggily off his frame and he was shivering and fidgeting, as if uncomfortable in his own skin. His face, while always pale, now looked ill and sallow; and his once well-kept hair stuck together in greasy clumps.

‘I still love you, you know,’ Fabian wept, burying his face into Remus’s chest. ‘I still love you so, so much. I can’t stop thinking about you or dreaming about you. No one understands, but I know you do. Gideon doesn’t know, but I still keep a picture of you under my pillow. They’ve taken all the others, but I still have that one. I knew you would look for me because you love me, too, right, Remus?’ His hold tightened. ‘I can show how much I love you now and change your mind completely. I can make you love me.’

‘Fabian,’ Remus said slowly, not sure what more he could say without causing further damage to the situation.

‘I  _need_  you, Remus,’ Fabian pressed, his frail fingers digging into Remus’s skin almost painfully. ‘I love you. Nobody understands. Everyone keeps treating me like I’ve gone crazy, but no one understands. I  _love_ you. They can’t-‘

‘FABIAN!’

Gideon Prewett came running in, followed by a gaggle of nurses, who were presumably all looking for Fabian. It took only seconds for the worry in the older Prewett’s eyes to be transformed to unadulterated fury, as he stared at the two of them. Remus knew how suggestive they looked, with Fabian hugging him so tightly, eyes filled with tears and still murmuring about how much he loved Remus. But even so, when the nurses came to take Fabian away, Remus instinctively held on with all his strength, fighting against their pulling.

‘NO!’ Fabian screamed in terror so clear that it chilled Remus to the bone. His fingers scrabbled for Remus’s hand, nails leaving bloody tracks across his arm. ‘NO! NO! NO! I DON’T WANT TO GO! NO!’ he pushed and pulled, his frail body struggling against their hold and his eyes blurred with tears. ‘NO!’  

‘Stop it!’ Remus protested. ‘He clearly doesn’t want to go! Gideon, don’t do this! He-’ His words were cut short when a hand descended sharply across his face, causing his hold on Fabian to finally loosen as he reeled back in shock.

Within moments, Padfoot was upon the older Prewett, tackling the man to the ground. His hackles had risen, making him seem enormous and foreboding as he bared his teeth in a menacing growl.

‘No, Padfoot!’ Remus ordered, before Padfoot could sink his sharp canines into Fabian’s arm. ‘No,’ he said again, grabbing Padfoot’s collar and forcing light grey eyes to look at him. ‘No.’ Padfoot looked at him insolently, clearly unwilling to follow through his master’s order because he felt Remus was wrong. ‘I’m not hurt. It’s all right.’ Padfoot huffed in annoyance and stepped down, allowing the other man to rise on his feet once again, shaking. Clearly unconvinced my Remus’s reassurance, Padfoot took stance right in between the two men, his body tense and ready for another attack.

In between the scuffle, the nurses had managed to take Fabian away, but Remus could still hear his desperate screams echoing through the hallway. He shivered, feeling goose bumps rise to the surface of his skin.

‘Why didn’t you tell me Fabian was this ill?’ Remus asked roughly, still staring at the place Fabian had been moments ago.

Gideon laughed bitterly. ‘You don’t think I tried? You  _left_ , Lupin. I came by almost every day at your door, knocking. I went to your workplace but they told me you didn’t work there anymore. I didn’t know any of your friends or your family; I didn’t know who to reach out to, to find you.’ He placed a shaking hand across his eyes, unable to look at Remus anymore. ‘All Fabian asks for is you; everyday fucking second of his breathing life. There are days when he doesn’t even recognise me; he’s so fucking delirious that he thinks I’m you. And you know what, I sometimes fucking let him, because I am  _that_  desperate to keep him happy.’

Remus felt guilt seep into his lungs and restrict his breathing. ‘Why are you keeping him locked up?’ he asked, despite dreading the answer.

‘He’s been hospitalised for attempted suicide,’ Gideon whispered miserably. ‘This is his third time.’

Remus felt sick. His knees wobbled, threatening to give away until Padfoot took notice and pushed against the back of his legs to provide support. ‘Oh God,’ he cried, putting a horrified hand to his mouth. ‘Oh God. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I never knew. I never meant to-‘

‘Meant to what?’ Gideon asked harshly, brows furrowed in anger ‘To fuck him? To lead him on to believe that he had a chance?’ He took a step towards Remus, as if wanting to hit him again, but backed off when Padfoot snarled at him. ‘You’re not sorry  _enough_ , Remus Lupin. You are not sorry enough, because if you were, you would dedicate your whole life to taking care of my brother and making him happy. You would try and love him, like he loves you.’ Tears pooled in Gideon’s eyes and he bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. ‘My little brother is slowly killing himself, Lupin, and all I can do is sit and watch. You empty words mean  _nothing_ to me.’

Remus did not apologise because Gideon was right; it was just empty words. ‘If there’s anything I can do…’

‘You can,’ Gideon replied harshly, a finger pointing towards Remus’s chest. ‘Stay the fuck away from my brother.’

Remus wasn’t even sure how he got back to the second floor after that, but he knew he owed a large part of it to Padfoot. There was a sense of numbness that was settling deep inside his core and he couldn’t shake off the image of Fabian’s terrified face from his mind. It was almost as if it had burned to the back of his eyelids.

‘Remus, I thought you were bringing us tea?’

Remus tried to smile. ‘Ah, sorry, I’ll go back. I must have forgotten.’

An unbearable silence swept over the room as all the Potters and Sirius looked at him. Padfoot circled his legs restlessly, a sign of protection and worry, and also that something was clearly very, very wrong.

Remus didn’t want to talk about it.

He didn’t want to think about it.

‘You don’t need to go,’ Sirius, who had been playing with Harry on his lap, stopped him with a hand on his arm. Their eyes met, grey on amber, and Remus felt small under Sirius’s searching gaze. He was the first to look away. ‘James will get us some, won’t you?’ He looked pointedly at James, before handing over baby Harry to Lily who was less questioning. Harry gurgled and dribbled happily, bringing a weak smile to Remus’s face. ‘Two sugars in Remus’s, please, Jamie-boy,’ Sirius said distractedly, pulling Remus by his hand and urging him to sit on the bed beside him. ‘And don’t you dare add any in mine! You know I hate sweet things.’

‘Isn’t that what you called Remus the other day when you thought no one was listening?’ James shot back, dodging a pillow Sirius threw at him and running out the door.

Everyone else laughed and the tension broke. All of it felt normal again.

No one questioned them when Remus dropped his head into Sirius’s lap and turned to hide his face in his lover’s stomach. He could hear Sirius’s still healing legs protesting, but the man didn’t say a word; rough, bandaged fingers kneading into Remus’s scalp. The conversation continued and if anyone noticed Sirius’s hospital gown slowly seeping wet where Remus had buried his face, they didn’t mention it.

He knew Sirius would ask later.

But for now, Remus was grateful for the silence.

* * *

**3.14: To the End of the World**

‘I’m going to stop looking,’ Remus whispered, looking out the window and watching the cars pass by. His grip tightened around the handles of Sirius’s wheelchair. ‘It’s futile anyway.’

‘Are you sure?’ Sirius asked, tilting his head back to look up at Remus. The bus rattled slightly and Sirius felt the lock on his wheels strain to keep him steady. Remus had widened his stance to centre himself as well, pulling Sirius’s wheelchair closer to his torso. Despite Remus’s reluctance, Sirius had been insistent about using public transport rather than hiring a private car. The fear from his accident was still fresh and Sirius did not want to spend an hour of commute back home trembling. To maintain anonymity, he had put on Remus’s rather plain and unassuming clothing and a pair of sunglasses so large that it threatened to eat his face. It helped that he still had a good few scars on his face from the accident that marred his features and that he had cropped his signature long hair quite short. ‘You’ve been trying so hard and there might be something more if you look further.’

Remus shook his head. ‘Dorea is right. I’m not going to achieve anything from digging up the past. I needed to know about my parents and I did. How I escaped doesn’t matter.’ He smiled unsurely and Sirius could not help but think he looked like a boy again. Remus had finally shaved off the beard he’d been sporting the last few weeks as a permanent gofer in Sirius’s hospital room and it had aged him backwards by years. James had laughed for a good hour when Remus had admitted that he had done it because he had wanted to look nice on his and Sirius’s first day back home. ‘What matters is that I’m here and I’m alive.’

Sirius hummed, not sure what more to say. He rubbed his palms against his knees, still unused to the feeling of his bare legs rather than a white cast. Deep scars marred his skin from where the stitches from his surgery had come off. ‘Will you be going back to Conwy?’

‘Maybe to visit,’ Remus admitted. ‘I left quite abruptly last time. Next time though, I-‘ he looked at Sirius with a shy smile. ‘I’d like you to come with me. We don’t have to tell my grandparents about us, but I would like to share this part of my life with you.’ His amber eyes shone hopefully and Sirius found it very hard to say no. Remus’s eyes had always been his weakness.

‘I would never miss a chance to see baby pictures of you,’ Sirius chuckled, dodging Remus gentle swat to the back of his head. ‘Shouldn’t we press the button? Ours is the next stop,’ Sirius pointed out, hurriedly grasping for the little red button on the support bar and crying out in alarm when Remus twisted his wheelchair to the left so he wouldn’t be able to reach. ‘Remus! What are you doing?’

‘That’s not home anymore,’ he replied coolly and Sirius was struck with a sudden fear that Remus would make him go back to his own flat. ‘After I noticed that you’d moved in all your things into my flat, without my permission by the way, I realised that my place just isn’t big enough for the both of us and Padfoot. Especially Padfoot, since he’s still a growing puppy.’ Sirius swallowed and unconsciously touched his chest where Remus’s key used to lay, hung from a silver chain. The doctors had taken it out after the accident and Remus had offered to hold it for him until he recovered. ‘So I decided to give it up and buy a home for us instead.’ 

Sirius’s eyes widened and he could already feel the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. ‘You what?’

‘I bought us a home. I’ve already moved in all your things, so your old flat is completely stripped bare. Though I had to sell some of your furniture because they were so atrocious.’ Remus wrinkled his nose and Sirius was sure Remus was remembering Sirius’s orange love seat. ‘I just thought we could start anew, with a home that is both yours and mine. And with the memories of Fabian in the last one, I just couldn’t…’ He looked at Sirius unsurely, his fingertips lightly brushing the back of Sirius’s neck. ‘You’re not cross, are you? I know I didn’t ask, but I wanted it to be a surprise. And since you were already living in my-‘

‘Remus Lupin, I could kiss you right now,’ Sirius interrupted, his expression one of unadulterated happiness. ‘In fact, I think I  _will_ kiss you right now.’ He didn’t wait for the other man to respond, pulling him in by the nape of the neck and pressing their lips together. He swallowed Remus’s noise of surprise and ignored the odd angle of their upside down kiss. He could feel Remus’s heavy breaths against his chin and hands gripping his shoulders tightly for support, as they lips slid messily against each other. His fingers tangled in Remus’s curls, pulling the man closer just enough to tease Remus with the slightest slip of tongue before parting.

‘I thought we agreed…’ Remus panted breathlessly, touching his lips with the tips of his fingers. They had agreed to only come out with the truth to close friends and family, but keep it discrete in public. Sirius was still not prepared to make a public statement; however, he had clearly told Remus that if it were to leak out at any point then he would stand by his sexuality and their relationship unashamed.

‘No one recognises me here,’ Sirius replied with a grin. He felt foolish and silly and deliriously liberated; his rebellious side feeding off of people’s shocked stares and disapproving mutters. ‘I wouldn’t care even if they did.’ He felt his heart flutter when Remus’s blushed prettily, cheeks rosy against his pale skin. He gave in to the urge and caressed Remus’s cheek lovingly. ‘You’re gorgeous. Have I ever told you that?’

‘Shut up,’ Remus muttered, his whole face aflame.

He ignored Sirius’s mischievous smile, looking pointedly away for the next five minutes as he tried to get his embarrassment under control. In fact, Remus was unable to look at Sirius even after they had got off the bus, wheeling Sirius through a quiet residential area. There were rows of identical houses, each surrounded by gardens and white picket fences. There were children playing in every corner, their laughter almost musical. The sun was shining and there was a light breeze that seemed in sync with the birds chirping. It felt like the most perfect day of their lives. So perfect that Sirius could not help but mimic Remus’s barmy smile the entire way through. His smile only got wider, when they turned into a house not dissimilar from the rest. They had gotten no closer than the mahogany front door, when Sirius heard Padfoot’s excited barks followed by large thumps as the dog undoubtedly jumped up and down in anticipation of his master.

‘Hold on, Padfoot!’ Remus laughed, as he opened the front door. Within moments, he was knocked to the ground by an over enthusiastic black dog and slathered by a very generous tongue. His large tail was wagging so fast that Sirius could feel the wind from it fanning his face. ‘Stop it,’ Remus giggled, writhing to get the large animal off him. ‘Padfoot, I missed you, too, but you need to let me in.’

They hadn’t been gone for that long. Remus always bought Padfoot to the hospital with the excuse that he was a medical dog and Remus needed him for any seizures that he might experience. In fact, today was the only day Remus had not brought his dog along because he wouldn’t be able to handle both Sirius and an over excited canine at the same time.

‘All right, all right. Say hello to Sirius, too, but be careful okay. Don’t hurt him.’ Heedful of his master, Padfoot waited until they were completely inside before laying his head gently on Sirius’s lap and graciously bestowing Sirius with a few kisses when he was petted. ‘What do you think?’ Remus asked nervously as he helped Sirius unsteadily to his feet. Sirius still wasn’t able to walk more than a few slow paces on his own and often had to lean on Remus for support. ‘Of this place, I mean.’

Sirius didn’t know what to think. Somehow, Remus had managed to make the house look both like Sirius’s and his own (though he had definitely not used any of Sirius’s fabulous orange love seats). He could see Remus’s lamps on his coffee table, a few of his awards displayed on Remus’s bookshelf, his rug underneath Remus’s sofas. On top of the fireplace there was a small framed picture of the two of them from when they were younger; a picture Sirius had kept well hidden in the depths of his drawers yet felt so right out on display.  _Home,_ Sirius thought,  _our_ home.

‘Lily helped set it up,’ Remus rambled, as he toured Sirius in the bedroom. It smelled faintly like chocolate which told Sirius that Remus had been living here for a while. ‘We can change it if you like; shift around a few things. You know how bossy she is; wouldn’t let me touch a thing. I had to draw the lines when she tried to switch our curtains to lace ones. But-‘

‘It’s perfect,’ Sirius interrupted, looking at Remus with a smile. As Sirius shifted his weight further into Remus for support, their faces were pushed so close that there was barely an inch between them. Sirius felt his whole body warm up at the intimate contact and his grey eyes smouldered. ‘So perfect that I was thinking maybe we should christen it?’

Remus spluttered, ‘You-Your-‘

Sirius looked completely unashamed by his suggestion. ‘I’m sure you can think of something that doesn’t involve too much legwork on my part.’

He had only to arch his eyebrow seductively before Remus was hooking both arms underneath Sirius’s knees and lifting him up effortlessly. Sirius tried not to show the bruise on his pride as he was carried like a princess and laid gently on top of the bed. He knew that he had lost a lot of weight these past few months of healing and Remus had always been deceptively strong. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Remus’s neck and pulled him into a deep kiss. He could feel Remus’s hesitance even through the kiss, as the man hovered over him cautiously, not even letting their bodies touch in fear of hurting Sirius.

‘I’m not going to break,’ Sirius breathed in frustration into Remus’s mouth before pulling him forcibly closer, so that Remus’s elbows on either side of him collapsed and his full weight fell upon Sirius. He swallowed Remus’s protests, plunging his tongue inside the willing mouth until nothing but moans filled the air. Sirius could already feel Remus hardening through his trousers and he arched up as far as he physically could, groaning when his muscles protested.

Remus pulled away, earning a whine from Sirius. ‘Just relax,’ he whispered, breath hot against Sirius’s neck. ‘Lay back and let me take care of you.’ His hands were already thumbing the button of Sirius’s trousers, expertly flicking it open and pulling down the zipper in a single practiced move. He mouthed Sirius’s neck, as his hands roamed under Sirius’s shirt and thumbed each sensitive nipple. Remus’s tongue followed, laving each nipple with attention and scraping his teeth against them.

‘Come on,’ Sirius urged impatiently, when Remus had only gone as far as his belly button and was driving him insane with his tongue. He ran his fingers through Remus’s ashy hair, pushing it lower where his cock was straining painfully in his underwear. He felt his eyes roll back into his head when Remus complied, sparing the foreplay and taking all of Sirius into his mouth. From there, Sirius was overwhelmed by the sensation of Remus’s talented tongue as it teased the head, ran along the underside, and wrapped around his cock sinfully. It might have been the pent up tension from all these months or the overpowering love he felt for Remus right at that moment, but he came in very little time. His body trembled as Remus bobbed relentlessly, his calloused fingers massaging Sirius’s inner thighs.

‘Fuck,’ Sirius cursed, looking up at the ceiling as he tried to catch his breath. He put a hand to his chest, feeling his heart pumping furiously as his whole body thrummed from post-orgasm. ‘You’re amazing,’ Sirius breathed when Remus joined him and lay his head on the same pillow. He saw Remus touching himself through his pants and swatted the man’s hands away before replacing them with his own. ‘You are so bloody beautiful.’ His hand worked furiously on Remus’s cock, as he wished he had the strength to fuck the other man into the mattress right now. He bit into Remus’s neck instead, sucking hard so that it would leave a mark for everyone to see. And when Remus came, he watched every nuance and change in expression on the man’s face, his heart filling with desire and want and  _love, love, love._ Sirius wondered why he hadn’t realised this sooner; that he was in love with Remus. It seemed so obvious now.

‘I can’t believe you’re here.’ Remus turned his head towards Sirius, as he tried to catch his breath. ‘That you aren’t leaving.’ He laughed, sounding almost relieved. ‘You are really still here.’

‘I’m still here,’ Sirius assured, wrapping his arm around Remus’s waist and nestling his face into the crook of the man’s neck. ‘These legs will make sure I don’t go anywhere.’ He grinned to show that the comment was light hearted. ‘Where would I be, if not here with you?’ He mumbled sappily, his fingers idly playing across Remus’s chest as he thought of more sappy things to say just to make Remus blush again. His hand traced the curve of Remus’s left shoulder before entwining their fingers together. The ring on Remus’s finger felt cool to touch; they were planning to buy Sirius one as well when he was healthy enough.

‘I never took it off,’ Remus murmured, eyes closed as a prelude to sleep. ‘Every time I tried…’ he shrugged, laying a hand above Sirius’s and tangling their fingers together. ‘It felt too permanent, like I was cutting you off completely from my life. I couldn’t do it.’ He smiled drowsily, his head tilting to the side so that his cheek rested on the crown of Sirius’s head. ‘I’m glad I didn’t.’

Sirius listened to Remus’s heart beat slow down, returning to its normal pace. ‘I meant it, you know. Even when I gave it to you, I just wanted you to know,’ He brought Remus’s hand to his lips and kissed it, ‘that this is forever. We are  _forever.’_

Remus hummed contentedly. ‘Forever.’

* * *

**End of Part 3**

* * *

**End of Series.**

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, sorry this took so long. This whole chapter actually got deleted and i had to rewrite the whole thing which took up a fair bit of time. So yes, I know that everything didn't get tied in together in a perfect little bow but i wanted to keep it that way because I felt it was more realistic. Often times, you don't get all your answers or your happy ending in real life.
> 
> But just in case you guys feel all Hazel Grace-ish curious, I had originally intended in the story to include how baby Remus survived. He crawled out of the doggy door. Yes, very anti-climatic I know. But because I decided not to include it, I'd taken the doggy door out of the description of the Lupin house. :D You don't want to know what I had orginally planned for Fabian - it might scar you.


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